Love never fades

So I am thrilled and scared to death to write this post.  This is something life altering and remarkable but that I have been private about.  This subject is beyond near and dear to my heart and I am scared that posting this may change things but I want to document every tiny emotion so I have it always with me.  Let me preface all of this with the fact that I just wrote that my blog had become an online journal of sorts.  I was given a blessing (a patriarchal one for my LDS friends) when I was 14 that told me to journal my life not only for my posterity but for myself.  I am not a good diary keeper and I am not exactly consistent with my blogging but little did I know that this tiny little blog with 9 followers would forever change my life for the better.

Let me start from the beginning.  I am adopted.  I was placed through LDS family services when I was two months old in the loving arms of my parents, Gerald and Laurel Macdonald.  I cant think of a time when I didn't know that I was adopted.  My parents told me from the time I was an infant the story of the loving mother who made my body and gave to to my parents to raise me.  I was adopted back in the 80's where everything was closed and adoption records were sealed.  The details of how I came to be were very sketchy but the only thing that I was told was that my birth mother was a return missionary of the LDS church, she attended BYU and that she made a mistake.  That part was always a little hard for me.  I grew up with the unspoken belief that I was a mistake.  It wasn't until I was a mother myself that I could process through and completely be at peace with the choice of wording.

I grew up in a home with two other adopted siblings.  I also had a few friends who were adopted.  I always felt different from them because I was never angry.  I didn't grow up being angry with a mythical mother figure who discarded me or gave me away.  I have always been at peace and have always felt that I was where I was supposed to be.  Make no mistake- I was always curious who this woman was.  Did she think of me?  Did she know anything about me?  Did she want to know me?  I was always curious but I also knew that if I were to pursue the dream of seeking her out that in a way it would devastate my parents and I never wanted to disappoint them.  I knew from a very early age that if I were ever to find my birth parents, I would have to wait until after my parents passed away.  Unfortunately, the day where my parents passed away came much, much earlier that I ever imagined it would.  My father passed away from complications of cancer in 1998 and my mother died from complications after an accident in 2004.

A year or so after my mother passed away I made the decision that it was time for me to seek out my birth mother.  I did a lot of investigating through hospital records, just trying to find a name.  I contacted the agency I was adopted through looking for any information.  I went as far as to try to hire a private investigator to locate my birth parents.  After an interview, I was told that because of the adoption laws back then, it was going to take a court injunction to have my records opened and that the likeliness of a judge granting it was slim to none unless it was a life threatening medical reason.  He told me that the best bet I had at this point was to go online to some of the various adoptee registries and put my information out there. That way, if they were looking for me, they could find me.  I was told that it was a total needle in a haystack situation as there are hundreds and hundreds of places to register.

Eight years passed along with no thought of the registry and really no hope that my dreams would come to fruition.  I went through a lot of therapy in those years and I came to an amazing place within myself where I feel complete and whole.  I wasn't looking for anyone else to fill a void for me or complete me.

So cut to Thursday February 9th at 3:57 PM.  I had just gotten Sophie from school, got the kids a snack and sat down to nurse Lyza when my phone rang.  I cant explain in words what happened to me.  My hands went numb and I felt like I needed to answer the phone.  I didn't know the number but I recognized that it was a Colorado phone number.  I fought myself and finally I decided to let the answering machine get it.  I figured if someone wanted to really get a hold of me- they could leave a message.  The message transcribed was- "Hi this is Lynn and Im looking for Kristen Parsons.  My number is XXXXXXXX and I live in Denver, Colorado and I would like to talk to Kristen."  I dont know how- but I knew it was my mother.  Shaking, I picked up my phone and redialed the phone number.  Lynn answered the phone and I told her that I am Kristen and that I missed a phone call from her.  Her response was: I dont know how to say this....(long pause) and before she could say anything else- I blurted out- "are you my mother?"  She responded that she thought that she was.

She asked me my birthday and asked if I was adopted through LDS family services.  I said yes, yes, yes and wept.  All I could say over and over and over was- Oh my God. Oh my God.  She started out with explaining how a day hasn't gone by without thinking and loving me.  She explained her reasons for giving me up for adoption and wanted to make it clear that she was not a teenage floosie and told me the story of how I came to be (which is extreamly private and I am not willing to post here.)  It matched ver batum the story I was told from the time I was young.

We sat and talked for over two hours.  She explained that she had found me through that needle in a haystack registry.  SUPER long story shorter- she found my blog.  She found my online journal and was able to read it and learn about me.  She was able to see a picture of me and knew without a doubt that I was hers.  I cant really tell you the specifics of our conversation because I was in shock and not really with it.  I learned that I have three siblings.  I want to give them the respect of not opening them up to my online world so I will not go into detail about them.  I will say that I found them on facebook and could not stop looking through pictures.  I look like my mom.  A LOT.  I was shocked because I have never looked like anyone- ever!  My children were the first genetic relatives that I have ever known.

I am still in a state of shock, amazement, gratitude and overwhelmingly- LOVE.  My mother wrote the words "love never fades" on her facebook status.  Truer words have never been spoken.  I am completely overwhelmed right now with all of the emotions and I am trying to process and digest all of this.  I found out a few years ago from my Aunt that my mother and her spoke before she passed away about the desire for me to find my birth mother.  I truly believe that she facilitated this from the other side.  Miracles do happen and prayers really are answered.  I look forward to the future and I look forward to getting to know the woman who brought me into this world.  I look forward to my family expanding and for my children to get to know her.

The one thing that I ask, beg and plea is that my friends and more importantly, my family can give me the respect and space to get through this- and in my own way.  I am overwhelmed trying to process this on my own, let along help others through this.  I know those around me love and support me but I do need a bit of time to digest.  Please, please, please be respectful of my birth family and their feelings- and please don't inform me how I need to feel and how to process.  Thank you all for your love, respect and support.