I play favorites....

So I have been blessed with a sweet, loving, emotionally sensitive almost six year old girl and a crazy, rambunctious, and fearless little three and a half year old boy.  I am SO blessed to have them and I am grateful for them both.  They teach me lessons everyday that I would never be able to learn without them.  They fill my heart with love, joy and gratitude for this life.  Do I love them both?  With every fiber of my being.  Do I love them differently?  Yes.  Do I have a favorite?  Yes.

I know, I know, what a horrible thing to say and I should never ever let my kids hear me say that, but its true.  Its funny because they are SO completely different.  Sophie is so gentle, loves to learn, wants to please EVERYONE.  Duncan is so funny, easy going and energetic.  Sophie was blessed with her daddy's sweet temperament and Duncan is a bit more on the spontaneous side like his mommy.  Sophie has always been more independent and head strong.  She wanted to learn everything immediately, and did.  Duncan has always needed me more.  Even at three and a half, he struggles to nap without mommy rocking him to sleep.

So in poor parenting fashion, I admit to myself and the world, my son is my favorite.  He and I have a different connection.  He is far more my personality and I feel better equipped to parent him.  I know when to just let him be and when to push him.  I feel more at ease parenting Duncan because its a perfect mini me, and I get me.  Sophie is a tough one for me.  I have to be very careful about how to give feed back or risk breaking her heart.  I cant tell you how hard it is for me to watch her sob uncontrollably over me asking her to put away her shoes.  Part of me wants to shake her and tell her to toughen up while the other part of me just melts and wants to tell her its all ok.

Sophie is 100% girl in a way that I never was allowed to be.  You see, I was raised as a southern bell beauty queen and we were trained from the time we were born how to behave.  So I really was never allowed to be sensitive and teary.  I was always told to have a stiff upper lip and hold your head high- so I did.  Its hard because the same part of what makes me crazy about Sophie's sensitivity is the thing that I treasure the most about her.  There aren't enough truly sensitive, loving people in the world any more.  But to be honest, I struggle.  I struggle to feel like I am meeting her needs and parenting her in a fashion that works.  I feel lost a lot of the time because I don't know what is right- for HER and it breaks my heart.

As a parent, the thought of failing your child in any way, shape or form can be devastating.  Don't get me wrong, we have our awesome days where we are so in sync and so connected that it reminds me that I cant be doing THAT horrible of a job.  I also have days that I have just laid in bed crying wondering how to move forward and why parenting a beautiful little girl could be so hard for me.  Part of it is that I connect well with people in general very well.  I can get along with most anyone.  So why on earth is it so difficult for me to connect with the one little girl I want so desperately to?

I know that all I can do is take it one day at a time and make the most out of every experience that I can.  I know that I have to eventually cut myself some slack and understand that sometimes she is JUST going to be upset and that there is nothing I can do about it.  I also have to remember to take all of those small moments to praise and reinforce her, love and snuggle her and to keep the lines of communication as open as possible.  I love being a mom and I hope and pray that I am doing the best job I can to raise happy and healthy kids.