Don't believe the lies you tell yourself

I turned 33 on October 30th.  On that day I weighed myself and such a sense of sadness, humiliation, frustration and anger flowed over me.  On that day- I realized I had gained 20 lbs since my hysterectomy 11 months earlier.  I know all the reasons I gained the weight.  It all boils down to three reasons- hormones, peanut butter cups and lies.  Hormonally I was told that I was already in early stage menopause due to the removal of both my ovary and my uterus.  The hormones were also affecting my mood and I was severely depressed.  I had a scary diagnosis and it took me a lot longer to come to terms with it than I imagined.  Third- I lied to myself.  I have told myself for SO long that "I'm just a big girl"  "with my previous injuries I couldn't possibly work out"  "I'm just not the athletic kind of girl".

Now let me back up a bit if you aren't familiar with my past.  In 2009 I weighed over 400 lbs and decided to under go gastric bypass surgery.  I lost 200ish pounds in the time of 2 years.  When I weighed my most- I had hit this point where I just felt like a total failure and I told myself that I couldn't do better.....then I did.  I lost a dramatic amount of weight but I was still not thin by any stretch of the imagination.  I told myself I would NEVER let the weight come back on.  Never.  Well....I did.

So....I had this coming to clarity moment where I decided- Oh my, this is IT.  I looked back and saw what worked best for me in the past and what I hadn't done to well on.  My body loves carbs.....I mean I love carbs.....my body likes to hoard them- in fat.  I have done weight watchers where you count points, and counting calories and as obsessive as I started off with it- within weeks I was over tracking calories and eventually gave up.  When I was going through the surgical process for my gastric bypass they told me that I needed to eat 70 % protein and 30% veg.  I did that religiously to loose the bulk of my weight and then over time I let naughty things creep back in- and eventually bread (the bane of my body's existence) was back in my diet. I knew I had to go back on a carb restrictive diet.  Don't get me wrong- I don't eat direct carbs but what I DO eat- I am eating A LOT.  I am NEVER EVER hungry or sad that I don't have a Reeses cup handy.

The other part of this gigantic slap in the face- Working out.  Guess what- I hate working out.  I hate sweating, I hate feeling everything wiggle around, I hate having to wash my pain in the butt hair everyday- ugh, I just don't like it.  To top it off I have both a knee and back injury that I have ongoing treatment due to nerve damage and chronic pain.  I had told myself that I COULDN'T work out because I would just hurt myself again.  So I was living this lie that I wasn't strong enough to work out.

I realized that when I workout- I eat better, really without trying.  I cant fathom eating chocolate cake after all the hard work it took me to burn those 400 calories in the morning.  So I decided that I NEED to find SOMETHING that was going to work for me and that was maintainable.  Group classes, gyms or basically anything I have to leave my house and pack up the kids to do is....out of the question and not maintainable.  I had to look at my schedule and realized that the only real time I had to work out was my beloved "coffee hour".  NO!  Not my quiet time with a strong cup (or two, sometimes three) of coffee and the internet!  What to do?  Get up 20 minutes earlier and cut my coffee hour down from 60 minutes to 30 minutes.  Crap- there I have time.

Then I saw my primary care physician.  He is the one that really put the lights on for me.  He knows my history and my injuries.  I asked him what I could do- I have a treadmill, a yoga mat and balance ball.   I have some hand weights- where do I start?  His answer literally had me slack jawed- "Have you ever thought of taking up running?"  Without hesitation I answered- "oh no, I cant run!  My knee, my  back, my....no!"  He explained I would have to do a modified plan but there is no better cardio workout than running.

So I came home and realized- I don't know HOW to run.  Seriously- I had no clue how to run.  I figured you just put one foot in front of the other really fast- right?  Well- I tried that for 30 seconds and I was convinced death was imminent.  Like NOW.  I started slow- 30 second run and 4 minute walks.  Let me tell you- I hadn't sweat that much in years.  But guess what?  I did it.  AND- I didn't die.  And guess what?  I felt proud!  I had run for a total of 2 minutes for the first time in my adult life.

I will save you the day by day of the last 77 days.  It has been a process.  I have indeed injured myself and then guess what- I figured out WHY and fixed it and it doesn't happen anymore.  I haven't been perfect and I still cant run one mile with out stopping.  But you know what I can do?  I can run 8 minutes straight through with a two minute walk and then do another 8 minutes.  For my pace- that's just over a mile and a third.  Guess what else I can do?  I can do dead lifts, cleaners, bench presses, rows, and I can lift weights!

The last 77 days has resulted in exactly 25 pounds in weight loss.  But I have gained SO much more!  I gained confidence that I can try things and I can do things I never thought I could.  Guess what else?  I found that hiding inside this fat girl is an athlete that is having fun.  My goal is to run my first ever official 5K by the end of this summer.....and I really think I can do it!