I play favorites....

So I have been blessed with a sweet, loving, emotionally sensitive almost six year old girl and a crazy, rambunctious, and fearless little three and a half year old boy.  I am SO blessed to have them and I am grateful for them both.  They teach me lessons everyday that I would never be able to learn without them.  They fill my heart with love, joy and gratitude for this life.  Do I love them both?  With every fiber of my being.  Do I love them differently?  Yes.  Do I have a favorite?  Yes.

I know, I know, what a horrible thing to say and I should never ever let my kids hear me say that, but its true.  Its funny because they are SO completely different.  Sophie is so gentle, loves to learn, wants to please EVERYONE.  Duncan is so funny, easy going and energetic.  Sophie was blessed with her daddy's sweet temperament and Duncan is a bit more on the spontaneous side like his mommy.  Sophie has always been more independent and head strong.  She wanted to learn everything immediately, and did.  Duncan has always needed me more.  Even at three and a half, he struggles to nap without mommy rocking him to sleep.

So in poor parenting fashion, I admit to myself and the world, my son is my favorite.  He and I have a different connection.  He is far more my personality and I feel better equipped to parent him.  I know when to just let him be and when to push him.  I feel more at ease parenting Duncan because its a perfect mini me, and I get me.  Sophie is a tough one for me.  I have to be very careful about how to give feed back or risk breaking her heart.  I cant tell you how hard it is for me to watch her sob uncontrollably over me asking her to put away her shoes.  Part of me wants to shake her and tell her to toughen up while the other part of me just melts and wants to tell her its all ok.

Sophie is 100% girl in a way that I never was allowed to be.  You see, I was raised as a southern bell beauty queen and we were trained from the time we were born how to behave.  So I really was never allowed to be sensitive and teary.  I was always told to have a stiff upper lip and hold your head high- so I did.  Its hard because the same part of what makes me crazy about Sophie's sensitivity is the thing that I treasure the most about her.  There aren't enough truly sensitive, loving people in the world any more.  But to be honest, I struggle.  I struggle to feel like I am meeting her needs and parenting her in a fashion that works.  I feel lost a lot of the time because I don't know what is right- for HER and it breaks my heart.

As a parent, the thought of failing your child in any way, shape or form can be devastating.  Don't get me wrong, we have our awesome days where we are so in sync and so connected that it reminds me that I cant be doing THAT horrible of a job.  I also have days that I have just laid in bed crying wondering how to move forward and why parenting a beautiful little girl could be so hard for me.  Part of it is that I connect well with people in general very well.  I can get along with most anyone.  So why on earth is it so difficult for me to connect with the one little girl I want so desperately to?

I know that all I can do is take it one day at a time and make the most out of every experience that I can.  I know that I have to eventually cut myself some slack and understand that sometimes she is JUST going to be upset and that there is nothing I can do about it.  I also have to remember to take all of those small moments to praise and reinforce her, love and snuggle her and to keep the lines of communication as open as possible.  I love being a mom and I hope and pray that I am doing the best job I can to raise happy and healthy kids.

Ah, the love of a good friend...

My very best friend from high school is flying in town tomorrow to celebrate her 31st birthday.  We have known each other since we were 15.  I am SO excited to see her and be able to spend time with her that doesn't involve a long distance bill.  We haven't gotten together for probably three or four years now.  She lives in Texas and I live in Utah, so road trips are somewhat out of the question and flying is expensive and require time off of work and childcare.

The thing that I LOVE about N is that no matter what craziness is going on in each others lives, we can pick up where we left off and its like nothing ever happened.  She supports me in everything that I have ever chosen and is one of the most dependable, loving and honest people I know.  I hate to brag that I have the greatest bestie ever- but its true.

The reason for me bringing this up is that I have found myself very sensitive to comments and perceived criticism during this pregnancy.  I have had quite a few friends, family member and neighbors make comments that have really stung.  I was told by one person that I'm not a "real mom" because I choose to do daycare out of my home.  I had another tell me that she was shocked that I would have another baby with all of "my problems".  I know that they were not meant to hurt or offend, but it did.  I also know that these kinds of comments would not normally piss me off but in a heightened emotional state, I cant help myself.

It has been a god sent to have that ONE person who wont tell me that I am being crazy and to quit being so sensitive.  Its been beautiful to have someone who is always in my corner and even in the middle of hormone meltdowns can remind me that its all ok.  Now dont get me wrong, my husband is fantastic but its something else completely to have a woman who has been through pregnancy understand what you are going through.  Josh is the greatest but he cant ever really identify and part of me suspects that he still thinks a part of me last lost it when I whine.

I am honored and cherish my friendship with N so much and I am blessed that I have that one person who I can always call.  Who has got your back, not just in pregnancy but in life?  Is it a mother, sister, neighbor or a friend?  Who ever it is, give them a hug, a high five or a phone call and let them know how appreciative you are of them.  Let them know how much it means to you to have such wonderful angels on earth.

And this is why I dont watch television...

I used to be quite the television watcher until about two years ago.  I LOVED all things "reality" and crazy like that.  In the last two years it just feels like there aren't enough hours in the day to actually sit and watch a program for one hour, let along watch it uninterrupted by the chitlins.  Well tonight I was feeling overly tired and especially crampy so I laid down in bed and turned on the television just in time to catch the latest season of the Bachelorette.  I don't really watch this show except in spurts here and there when I recall that its on.  I say this because maybe there is more to the story than what I caught in the hour or two that I watched this evening.

I watched as a "gentleman" from the same area that I live in lead a girl on and laughed about it to the camera.  He was crude and hurtful behind her back and prince charming to her face.  It was HORRIBLE to watch.  I cant imagine how hurt and upset this poor girl is.  I cant imagine having that done to me on national television and then having to watch it all over again when it airs.  It made me really stop and think, what the heck is wrong with people?  Why is it ok for this guy to leave his daughter and his responsibilities at home with no other intention than to go on television and hurt someone.  What part of this entire idea was appealing or justified? 

Again, I don't watch the show so maybe I missed something.  I just cant imagine something that I missed that would justify such deplorable behavior.  Why is this kind of thing allowed to take place in the sake of "entertainment"?  I saw nothing entertaining or amusing in this poor girl crying.  Is this reality?!  Really, is this what dating is like these days?  I haven't dated in nearly a decade and maybe I am so out of the loop that I don't know that this is what dating has amounted to.  I just find it horrible that this kind of thing is played on national television as entertainment.  I know that the drama is why so many people tune in....for the "Oh no he didn't" moments but where is the line? 

I just remembered tonight why I don't waste my time watching programs on television.  It makes me sad that as a nation we give programs like this a vote every week and ask for it to be aired for another season.  I am making the choice NOT to vote for this program again.  I know one vote wont change a whole lot but I can rest assured that I am not endorsing or supporting programs like this. 

Family Planning

So I have 12 weeks roughly to go till this little one arrives and we couldn't be happier.  This is our third baby and I think the most frequently asked questions that we have heard are 1- What are you having? 2- What are you naming her? 3- Are you done having kids?  It really doesnt bother me anymore.  I really thought that it was nosy in the beginning to ask about our family planning but I understand why people ask.  We are 30, we have adopted an older child and this is our third baby in six years.  Four children by national standards is a large family.  In our highly religious community though, it isn't unheard of to have families of six, eight, ten, or twelve children. 

About a year ago Josh's brother and his wife decided that they were a complete family and made a permanent decision.  That prompted the family planning discussion for Josh and I.  After the traumatic birth of our son, I wasn't sure that I could handle having another baby.  I didn't know if it would be possible to heal those wounds and to have a healthy fear free pregnancy.  In the same token, the thought of completely stopping any and all possibility of future children scared me.  I somewhat panicked and begged him to wait until we both were on the same page.  So we decided to wait.  Cut to the chase...by December we were pregnant again- against what were seemingly staggering odds. 

I know a lot of women that from the moment they conceive that final child, they know that they are done.  Call it a prompting, or a woman's intuition, but they just know.  I did not have this feeling off the bat.  Yes, in the first trimester I swore everyday that this was the LAST time I EVER wanted to be pregnant because of the exhaustion and the severe nausea.  (pay no attention to the fact that I also did this with my first AND second pregnancy)  I didn't feel that way early in the second trimester.  Half way through when we went for our 20 week ultra sound and discovered that it was a girl (a complete shock) it hit me like a ton of bricks that she was the missing piece to our family puzzle. 

Would I call it divine or spiritual?  No, not really.  It was just a complete assurance that washed over me and told me, this was it.  And my reaction shocked even me.  I was sad.  I love the process of becoming a mother almost as much as I love being a mother.  The thought of this being the last pregnancy and the last child I will carry made me sad.  It has also made me cherish every kick, hiccup and even pain.  I look forward to our little girl arriving but I'm in no rush.  She can take her time growing strong and healthy.  I cant wait to meet our little one and to sit surrounded by the full family that we were blessed with.