What the heck, let's try something new....

OK, So for those who arent aware, Josh and I are expecting our third little bundle of joy in August.  We were COMPLETELY caught off guard when we found out, and after a sick first trimester, we were able to feel really excited about this new addition.  Yes, it took me three months to get excited, and no, I don't feel badly about it.  Upon finding out that we were pregnant this time around, the notorious last words of our former anesthesiologist resounded in my head..."you should never, ever, have another epidural".  At the time, I took these words with a grain of salt as I thought that my son's delivery was quite possibly the last one we would have.  We had a girl, we had a boy, we were happy. 

Well, it looks as though plans had changed, which meant I had to actually MAKE a plan.  But where the hell do I start making a plan??  We really hadn't made a plan with either one of our children's deliveries.  We were one of the many young couples who goes to an OB/GYN, trusts in the basic hospital birthing plan, which includes but is not limited to scheduling an induction if you go over your "due" (like its a library book) date by more than a week, pop your water, hook you up to an IV, give you fluids, pitocin and whatever else they put in there that I was too delirious to ask, get an epidural and push out a perfectly healthy child.

We followed this "plan" for the our little Sophie's arrival,  I was 42 week+2 days and went into labor on my own the morning of the scheduled induction.  I was dialated to a 2+ and had pretty steady contractions when I arrived at the hospital.  They still hooked me on up, and told me I needed to have pitocin to help my contractions even out, since they were ranging from 2-5 minutes apart.  Things went from tolerable to insane within half an hour.  They are NOT messing around with this pitocin stuff.  I progressed to a 5 on my own before the charge nurse insisted that I get my epidural.  She told me that I was in too much pain and I was clenching which was keeping me from progressing, and if I didnt progress, I was a shoe in for a c-section.  Scared to death, I got my epidural, and progressed quite quickly.
Keep in mind, I was under the impression that I was supposed to be numb from the waist down, so I was expecting NO pain.  Well, it didnt quite happen that way.  My stomach was numb and my feet were numb, and that was it.  I was not numb in the place that you need to be for an episiotemy to be painless, so it was not painless.  In fact, my poor cousin sitting in the waiting room heard loud explitives when it was performed.  I was quickly given a local and was able to dialate quickly and  pushed out a 7 lb 14 oz little bundle of perfection (after three hours of pushing, and two more threats of a c-section).

Would I call our experience traumatizing?  No.  Not at all.  I would call it a very uneducated delivery on the part of myself.  I should have known to ask questions and insist on what I knew was right with my body.   I thought that we had just had a bum epidural and that it doesn't happen that way all the time.  We were told that it would be easier next time around, and we trusted that.

Cut to 18 months post delivery, and we find out we are pregnant again!  So, I decided to make a change.  In OB/GYNs.  I figured that I had heard such wonderful things about this other doctor, that it MUST have been a bad doctor experience, and not the actual process that is the hospital standard.  So we change OB's.  I LOVED our OB.  I probably had a crush on him at the time looking back on it.  He was young, personable and seemed really invested in me, and so complimentary during a time when a woman isnt exactly feeling the cutest :)
Pre- natal care went really well and was pretty routine until week 36.  I started to measure quite large and so began the ultra sounds.  We had an ultra sound once a week and I was terrified because I was being told that my son was well over 9 lbs!  I had really struggled to get poor Sophie out and she wasnt even 8!  So the logic was presented that if I wanted to avoid a c-section, we should induce.  I was due Christmas Day, so we opted to induce the day after. 

We arrived on time, got changed and settled in for what we expected would be a long, boring day.  About 5 minutes after my paperwork was all complete, the nurse came in and informed me that it was time to break my water.  I had heard nothing but passive comments about having your water broken.  ie- it doesnt hurt, it just feels funny.  Well I have a tilted cervix and was only dialted to a 1.  Put those factors together with an impatient doctor, and I was in nauseating, cold sweat kind of pain.  I thought that was the worst it, and it was- for a while.

I was started on a pitocin drip right after my water was broken and so labor began.  It was pretty uneventful.  We watched a TLC marathon and laughed.  I tried moving around but was strapped up with monitors and IV's so it made it difficult to do more than switch sides that were going numb.  Three hours later, I had progressed to a 3+ and was still feeling pretty ok.  That's when the day took a change.  The nurse came in and asked if I was planning on an epidural.  She then proceeded to tell me that the anesthesiologist was about to go into a three hour conference and would be unavailable, so if I wanted an epidural, it had to happen now.  Scared that contractions were going to get bad quickly, I opted for the proceedure. 
The doctor came in and for the first time ever someone asked me about previous back injury.  Well, low and behold, I had broken my back in two places in my early teens and still had pain from it.  He told me that he was nervous about giving me an epidural but that he would go ahead since I had already had one with no problems.  I had my epidural and guess what?!  NO PAIN.  I could feel NOTHING from the waist down.  It was the strangest feeling, but Oh, so welcome.  I was told a pain free birth with epidural and I was finally going to get it. 
Three hour pass, I get a cervical check, NOTHING.  I was still at a 3+.  I stayed there for hours with no progress and no change, except for the flow of the epidural.  That's right.  The flow of the epidural went up rather than down somehow.  I didn't lay down, I hadn't even really moved, since I couldn't feel literally anything.  So I went from a state of concern about the fact that I was starting to tingle, to a state of panic in a matter of seconds.  I quickly started to loose my ability to breathe, my ability to feel my arms and hands and finally, my ability to see started to go.  My poor husband went from pushing the nurse call button to running down the hall screaming for a nurse. 
When the anesthesiologist arrived, he began to scream asking what I had done.  What I had done?  What did YOU do?  I didnt put my own epidural in!  Once the pump had been shut off for roughly 20 minutes and I had been on straight oxygen, I started to regain sight and feeling.  The doctor and I had an understanding that since it was already in place, I would continue with my epidural as long as I was monitored much closer.  Crisis averted, right?
So the day went on and roughly 13 hours into labor, with my pitocin drip and epidural maxed, we started to notice that the monitors were showing a lower heart rate for our baby.  Not only was it dropping, it wasn't bouncing back like it had been.  Coinsedentally around this time, the frequency of nurses showing up in our room increased dramaticly.  We went from seeing a nurse once every couple of hours to every five minutes.  About thirty minutes after this started, a nurse came in and turned off the baby monitor and within three minutes, the room was filled with half a dozen nurses from maternity, three or four from NICU and my doctor and nothing was being said.  We asked what was going on so many times I couldn't begin to count and the only thing that we were told was that the doctor would be in momentarily to explain.
Terrified, I began to sob uncontrollably.  The doctor entered the room, panic written all over his face, and told the nurses to grab a leg because we had to get this baby out NOW.  I am now eternally grateful that I had that epidural, because within seconds, the doctor had taken forcepts, reached in my not fully dialated cervix and pulled my baby out of me.  I was in total shock.  First of all, my 9 lb baby that I was terrified to have, the 9 lb baby that was the reason that we were inducing because of, ended up being a 6 lb 3 oz gray, unresponsive baby.  In shock and in trying to cope, the only words that escaped me at this moment was, "where is the rest of him?".  Comical to say now, terrifying at the moment.  Within two minutes, the nurses had him taking his first breaths, and within seconds, he began to pink up. 
I couldnt even tell you how long I cried, or really WHY I was crying.  I was so relieved that this experience was over, I was so far in shock over what had just happened, I was so happy to meet my beautiful son.  Who really knows at those kinds of moments WHY you feel the way you do.  Does it really matter?  I ended up with a cervical tear, two vaginal wall tears, a second degree episiotomy and a tear.  In total, it took roughly two hours and 100 stitches to put me back together. 

Would I call this experience traumatizing?  Hell yes I do.  I really didn't think that I would be able to get over the fear in order to give birth to another baby.   At this point though, I really was convinced that we were done.  I couldn't go through another experience like that.  So here I sit, typing all of this out at 24 weeks pregnant facing my third delivery.  Am I still traumatized?  No.  I have had three and half years to understand that given the situation we were facing, the medical team reacted appropriately.  I have also come to terms the part that I played in that situation.  I consented to an induction based on fear.  My body and my baby were not ready.  I was not educated that I most certainly could have delivered a 9 lb baby on my own and that I wasn't a broken machine.  I had never thought to discuss with my medical providers or my anesthesiologists, my history of a broken back.  I never looked for options.  I did what I thought I was supposed to, and when things didn't go according to the plan I failed to make, I was traumatized.

So this time around, I decided that yes, this is my third baby, but no, I didn't have to have a repeat performance of my last two "helpless" deliveries.  In fact, not really ever planning to have another baby, but purely out of curiosity, I started asking around about a year after Duncan's birth about other people's birth experiences.  I ended up hearing through the grapevine that I had a friend from high school who also happened to live in my neighborhood, who delivered 5 beautiful, perfectly healthy children, at HOME!  In her tub!!  This was a completely foreign concept to me.  I literally had never heard of this let along known someone who had chosen this, or that it was even an option.  Me being the nosey, curious cat that I am, I picked up the phone armed with about a thousand questions.  We chatted for nearly two hours and I must admit, my jaw was wide open about 90% of the time because I had no idea that you could actually DO that!

This conversation planted a seed in my head.  I wasn't planning on getting pregnant any time soon, but for the first time in my life, I knew that there was another option.  Cut to December 2010 and I am staring at a positive pregnancy test in complete shock.  It looks like its time to actually make a plan.  The exact words "what the heck, let's try something new" went through my head.  I started reading blogs, watched a couple of documentaries and talking to people.  I kind of went crazy for a while.  I was in shock, but this time because I couldn't believe how many options were available to me.  I couldn't believe that I didn't have to even go to an OB/GYN if there wasn't medical necessity for it.  I was just in shock.  I also had this complete an total feeling of embarrassment.  How could I have TWO children and not know that there was another way?  What a sheep I was programmed to be. 

I want to make perfectly clear that I completely understand why there are hospitals, OB/GYNs, c-sections, epidurals and what their place is and I am SO grateful that they are there when they are genuinely needed.  I also understand that I can trust in my body's ability to give birth.  I am for the first time, EXCITED to give birth.  I am EXCITED to bring this new life into this world.  I am EXCITED to create the birth experience that I want.

I am learning so much, and the largest part is learning how to trust in myself.  I know that if I can do that, it will carry into my life in all aspects, not just child birth.  I am so grateful for an understanding and supportive husband that is behind me 100% with whatever I choose.  I am grateful for the friends that support me in my decision to move forward with an un-medicated, natural delivery.  I am even grateful for those who don't understand why in the world I would make this decision.  It reminds me WHY I am making this decision and the importance of choice. 

Thus far, I am armed with one of the best doulas that the world could ask for and I begin hypnobabies classes tomorrow.  I have been continuing to read up on all of my options and doing my homework and feel confident in the decisions I have made.