My soapbox rant on mental health....

This week the beloved Robin Williams passed away.  He passed away from an apparent suicide after dealing with a lifetime of mental health and addiction issues.  Its also come out in the press that he was also in the beginning stages of Parkinson's Disease.  Before I start my rant, I would like to say that Robin Williams was love and adored by many as he touched so many of us via many roles that spoke to us on basic human levels.  He was funny, he was rash, he was touching and most of all, he was sincere.  He spoke to the many pieces that compose our human experience and for that, he will be missed by so many.

In the high tech, social media'ed world that we live in, we were bombarded with tributes, both positive and negative.  They ranged from beautiful to ruthless and made me question where we stand as a human race.  The ones that affected me the most negatively and that really enraged me were the posts that over simplified the situation and were quick to remind us that he died via suicide and that it was...."a choice".  Now, as I see the point that they were attempting to make...I get it.  I was still enraged.  Yes, that's right, I said enraged.  That is a rarity for me, especially when it comes to social media.  I am usually one to shake my head and move on, but this is a topic very near and dear to me and I feel like there needs to be a different view put out there. 

I AM THE FACE OF MENTAL ILLNESS AND ADDICTION.

That's right, this unassuming mother, wife, employee, sister, and neighbor is both an addict in recovery and dealing with the ongoing battle of bipolar depression.  For those who know me well, this isn't a shock.  For others- I just stepped out of the closet.  I have been in recovery for five years now.  It hasn't been perfect, it hasn't been easy, but its been worth it. 

I live in the depression capitol state of the US.  We have a lot of social pressure here to appear a certain way and to live a certain way.  Mental health is still a very hush-hush topic and one that is usually spoken about within the context of shame and humiliation.  When you add addiction to the conversation, it's a whole other level that is hard to explain unless you have been in it.

"Are you really an addict or did the doctors just tell you that?"
"You cant be an addict- your a mom!"
"If you tell people, your kids are going be taken away from you"

These are all things that were said to me during my coming out process of getting clean.

NOW- there is going to be people who say, why didn't you just stop?  You knew alcohol was bad for you before you started, so you shouldn't have gone there to begin with.  There lies the paradox of addiction.  Some people....MOST people can have a drink and then be fine.  Not me.  I have a drink and it takes over my life.  How can I expect others who haven't dealt with it to understand it- I cant.....but I can share my story.

I was raised in a pretty rigid religious structure that taught me that suicide was the most selfish thing and "the sin next to murder" was thrown around a lot.  So I believed that. Then at the age of 15, I started dealing with undiagnosed manic and depression episodes.  When I was manic- I felt like superwoman.  I felt smart, funny, sexy and untouchable.  When I was depressed, I felt....nothing.  The nothingness was the scariest part.  It was beyond feeling down and a "loss of interest".  It was a feeling that I could walk out of my life and no one would notice....or that they would be better off not having to care for me.  It sounds so cliche....I know.  So when my own mental health issues started kicking in, and suicide crept into my life like a shadow, it scared me and most of all shamed me.  I was selfish.

When dealing with mental health issues- the disease is in control.  I am by nature a very methodical, rational, pragmatic personality type.  When I am in the throws of mental illness the very logical rational part of me was gone.  Depression ran the show and I was a passenger.  I was not in my right mind.  I could still pull off the facade that everything was fine....but I wasn't well.  It wasn't a choice to be affected by bipolar or manic depression.  It wasn't a choice at all.  It wasn't even my choice to get help.  I didn't realize that what was happening wasn't "normal".  Luckily I had people in my corner who recognized that something was off and put me in a position to get help. 

So why was I ENRAGED by the "choice theory"?  Mental health is such a personal and often shameful topic that people cant talk about and to have someone essentially victim shame is beyond heartless to me.  You don't know what happens in their head.  You don't know their personal experiences.  You don't know their pain.  I feel like the "choice theory" sets people back even further and keeps people hidden and shamed by a misunderstood disease.  It's one thing to write an opinion piece, its another to actively do damage when you speak to a community already plagued by silence.

This is why I choose to be open and honest about my mental health and addiction issues.  I will talk about them openly and I will share.  Talking about mental health and de-mystifying the disease and who it plagues is where we need to start.  There is no "type" of person that is affected by mental illness or addiction.  Its not just the homeless, or the poor, or the young.  Its probably a family member, a neighbor, a friend or it could be you...  AND THAT'S OK.  It all starts with a conversation.

There are resources available in every community and as much as I would love to list all of them, I don't know them all.  As cliche and cheesy as it sounds there are hotlines and non profits here for this very purpose.  The National Suicide Prevention Hotlines number is 1-800-273-8255.  And if you know someone who needs some help- be that person.  Be that person who takes some time to talk to them.  I didn't know I wasn't well until someone pointed it out to me.  You could be that person for someone else.