I play favorites....

So I have been blessed with a sweet, loving, emotionally sensitive almost six year old girl and a crazy, rambunctious, and fearless little three and a half year old boy.  I am SO blessed to have them and I am grateful for them both.  They teach me lessons everyday that I would never be able to learn without them.  They fill my heart with love, joy and gratitude for this life.  Do I love them both?  With every fiber of my being.  Do I love them differently?  Yes.  Do I have a favorite?  Yes.

I know, I know, what a horrible thing to say and I should never ever let my kids hear me say that, but its true.  Its funny because they are SO completely different.  Sophie is so gentle, loves to learn, wants to please EVERYONE.  Duncan is so funny, easy going and energetic.  Sophie was blessed with her daddy's sweet temperament and Duncan is a bit more on the spontaneous side like his mommy.  Sophie has always been more independent and head strong.  She wanted to learn everything immediately, and did.  Duncan has always needed me more.  Even at three and a half, he struggles to nap without mommy rocking him to sleep.

So in poor parenting fashion, I admit to myself and the world, my son is my favorite.  He and I have a different connection.  He is far more my personality and I feel better equipped to parent him.  I know when to just let him be and when to push him.  I feel more at ease parenting Duncan because its a perfect mini me, and I get me.  Sophie is a tough one for me.  I have to be very careful about how to give feed back or risk breaking her heart.  I cant tell you how hard it is for me to watch her sob uncontrollably over me asking her to put away her shoes.  Part of me wants to shake her and tell her to toughen up while the other part of me just melts and wants to tell her its all ok.

Sophie is 100% girl in a way that I never was allowed to be.  You see, I was raised as a southern bell beauty queen and we were trained from the time we were born how to behave.  So I really was never allowed to be sensitive and teary.  I was always told to have a stiff upper lip and hold your head high- so I did.  Its hard because the same part of what makes me crazy about Sophie's sensitivity is the thing that I treasure the most about her.  There aren't enough truly sensitive, loving people in the world any more.  But to be honest, I struggle.  I struggle to feel like I am meeting her needs and parenting her in a fashion that works.  I feel lost a lot of the time because I don't know what is right- for HER and it breaks my heart.

As a parent, the thought of failing your child in any way, shape or form can be devastating.  Don't get me wrong, we have our awesome days where we are so in sync and so connected that it reminds me that I cant be doing THAT horrible of a job.  I also have days that I have just laid in bed crying wondering how to move forward and why parenting a beautiful little girl could be so hard for me.  Part of it is that I connect well with people in general very well.  I can get along with most anyone.  So why on earth is it so difficult for me to connect with the one little girl I want so desperately to?

I know that all I can do is take it one day at a time and make the most out of every experience that I can.  I know that I have to eventually cut myself some slack and understand that sometimes she is JUST going to be upset and that there is nothing I can do about it.  I also have to remember to take all of those small moments to praise and reinforce her, love and snuggle her and to keep the lines of communication as open as possible.  I love being a mom and I hope and pray that I am doing the best job I can to raise happy and healthy kids.

Ah, the love of a good friend...

My very best friend from high school is flying in town tomorrow to celebrate her 31st birthday.  We have known each other since we were 15.  I am SO excited to see her and be able to spend time with her that doesn't involve a long distance bill.  We haven't gotten together for probably three or four years now.  She lives in Texas and I live in Utah, so road trips are somewhat out of the question and flying is expensive and require time off of work and childcare.

The thing that I LOVE about N is that no matter what craziness is going on in each others lives, we can pick up where we left off and its like nothing ever happened.  She supports me in everything that I have ever chosen and is one of the most dependable, loving and honest people I know.  I hate to brag that I have the greatest bestie ever- but its true.

The reason for me bringing this up is that I have found myself very sensitive to comments and perceived criticism during this pregnancy.  I have had quite a few friends, family member and neighbors make comments that have really stung.  I was told by one person that I'm not a "real mom" because I choose to do daycare out of my home.  I had another tell me that she was shocked that I would have another baby with all of "my problems".  I know that they were not meant to hurt or offend, but it did.  I also know that these kinds of comments would not normally piss me off but in a heightened emotional state, I cant help myself.

It has been a god sent to have that ONE person who wont tell me that I am being crazy and to quit being so sensitive.  Its been beautiful to have someone who is always in my corner and even in the middle of hormone meltdowns can remind me that its all ok.  Now dont get me wrong, my husband is fantastic but its something else completely to have a woman who has been through pregnancy understand what you are going through.  Josh is the greatest but he cant ever really identify and part of me suspects that he still thinks a part of me last lost it when I whine.

I am honored and cherish my friendship with N so much and I am blessed that I have that one person who I can always call.  Who has got your back, not just in pregnancy but in life?  Is it a mother, sister, neighbor or a friend?  Who ever it is, give them a hug, a high five or a phone call and let them know how appreciative you are of them.  Let them know how much it means to you to have such wonderful angels on earth.

And this is why I dont watch television...

I used to be quite the television watcher until about two years ago.  I LOVED all things "reality" and crazy like that.  In the last two years it just feels like there aren't enough hours in the day to actually sit and watch a program for one hour, let along watch it uninterrupted by the chitlins.  Well tonight I was feeling overly tired and especially crampy so I laid down in bed and turned on the television just in time to catch the latest season of the Bachelorette.  I don't really watch this show except in spurts here and there when I recall that its on.  I say this because maybe there is more to the story than what I caught in the hour or two that I watched this evening.

I watched as a "gentleman" from the same area that I live in lead a girl on and laughed about it to the camera.  He was crude and hurtful behind her back and prince charming to her face.  It was HORRIBLE to watch.  I cant imagine how hurt and upset this poor girl is.  I cant imagine having that done to me on national television and then having to watch it all over again when it airs.  It made me really stop and think, what the heck is wrong with people?  Why is it ok for this guy to leave his daughter and his responsibilities at home with no other intention than to go on television and hurt someone.  What part of this entire idea was appealing or justified? 

Again, I don't watch the show so maybe I missed something.  I just cant imagine something that I missed that would justify such deplorable behavior.  Why is this kind of thing allowed to take place in the sake of "entertainment"?  I saw nothing entertaining or amusing in this poor girl crying.  Is this reality?!  Really, is this what dating is like these days?  I haven't dated in nearly a decade and maybe I am so out of the loop that I don't know that this is what dating has amounted to.  I just find it horrible that this kind of thing is played on national television as entertainment.  I know that the drama is why so many people tune in....for the "Oh no he didn't" moments but where is the line? 

I just remembered tonight why I don't waste my time watching programs on television.  It makes me sad that as a nation we give programs like this a vote every week and ask for it to be aired for another season.  I am making the choice NOT to vote for this program again.  I know one vote wont change a whole lot but I can rest assured that I am not endorsing or supporting programs like this. 

Family Planning

So I have 12 weeks roughly to go till this little one arrives and we couldn't be happier.  This is our third baby and I think the most frequently asked questions that we have heard are 1- What are you having? 2- What are you naming her? 3- Are you done having kids?  It really doesnt bother me anymore.  I really thought that it was nosy in the beginning to ask about our family planning but I understand why people ask.  We are 30, we have adopted an older child and this is our third baby in six years.  Four children by national standards is a large family.  In our highly religious community though, it isn't unheard of to have families of six, eight, ten, or twelve children. 

About a year ago Josh's brother and his wife decided that they were a complete family and made a permanent decision.  That prompted the family planning discussion for Josh and I.  After the traumatic birth of our son, I wasn't sure that I could handle having another baby.  I didn't know if it would be possible to heal those wounds and to have a healthy fear free pregnancy.  In the same token, the thought of completely stopping any and all possibility of future children scared me.  I somewhat panicked and begged him to wait until we both were on the same page.  So we decided to wait.  Cut to the chase...by December we were pregnant again- against what were seemingly staggering odds. 

I know a lot of women that from the moment they conceive that final child, they know that they are done.  Call it a prompting, or a woman's intuition, but they just know.  I did not have this feeling off the bat.  Yes, in the first trimester I swore everyday that this was the LAST time I EVER wanted to be pregnant because of the exhaustion and the severe nausea.  (pay no attention to the fact that I also did this with my first AND second pregnancy)  I didn't feel that way early in the second trimester.  Half way through when we went for our 20 week ultra sound and discovered that it was a girl (a complete shock) it hit me like a ton of bricks that she was the missing piece to our family puzzle. 

Would I call it divine or spiritual?  No, not really.  It was just a complete assurance that washed over me and told me, this was it.  And my reaction shocked even me.  I was sad.  I love the process of becoming a mother almost as much as I love being a mother.  The thought of this being the last pregnancy and the last child I will carry made me sad.  It has also made me cherish every kick, hiccup and even pain.  I look forward to our little girl arriving but I'm in no rush.  She can take her time growing strong and healthy.  I cant wait to meet our little one and to sit surrounded by the full family that we were blessed with. 

Its only 9 months, right?!

So the blessing of pregnancy is one that I am so eternally grateful for and honored that I get to experience.  That being said, there are days where I want certain things that I just cant have when pregnant.   It doesnt bug me for the most part, but other days, it feels like the death of me.  Here is a little list of things that I am so excited for once I have my little bundle of joy in my arms. 

*Sleeping how I want to, when I want to.  I miss the occasional stomach nap, without having to use 20 pillows.  I also miss actually being able to sleep.  I am one of those lucky ones that has insomnia from the day of conception until the day of arrival. 

*Steak.  I know, I know- you can eat steak when you are pregnant.  I will only eat a steak medium rare and not a degree over.  Hence- no steak for me.  What is the point of eating it once its well done and leathery?!

*Sushi.  I love, desire and crave raw fish.  I know some people find it gross but I cannot live with out it.  9 months about does me in.

*My feet.  I cant see them, I cant reach them and they morph into these strange Flinstone type things toward the end of the day.  My big toe actually swells to the point of pain.  Yes, my big toe.

*Clothing variety.  I refuse to spend tons of cash on maternity clothes.  I will buy a few shirts and a couple of pairs of pants and thats about it.  You can only make so many outfits out of those few basics.  I get tired looking in the mirror and seeing the outfit I wore two days ago. 

*Coffee.  Yes, I still partake in an occasional cup of coffee but a heightened sense of smell and a picky preggy tummy has made me a horrible coffee snob.  I cant take cheap coffee.  I seriously gag.

*Snuggle time.  I have this weird thing that happens when I get pregnant.  I get very claustrophobic.  I cant handle more than a little snuggle with the hubby without feeling like the walls are closing in on me.  Combine that with the ultra sensitive nose that I aquire and its no good.  I cant STAND the smell of Josh's deoderant when I'm pregnant.  Blech!

*Jogging.  I LOVE to jog.  It became one of my favorite things to do when I lost weight.  I miss being able to lace up my jogging shoes and crank my ipod in the basement and get in a couple of miles.  Im lucky if I can walk to the mailbox right now without feeling hip pain, round ligament pain, or having to pee.

*Wrestling with my kids.  I love to wrestle and play with my kids.  Its one of our favorite things to do.  Unfortunately, once I am on the floor, my mobility it pretty limited.  It can take me a few minutes just to figure out how the heck to stand up!

*Energy.  I miss having the energy to do the simple things that I typically do on a daily basis.  I miss carrying a basket of laundry upstairs.  I miss vacuuming without having to stop for 20 minutes afterward to sit down while Braxton Hicks ensue.  

I know that its just temporary and it's all for the greater good.  I know that once I am holding her in my arms that none of this will matter.  I know that there will always be SOMETHING that I can complain about having to do or not being able to do.  For now, these are the grievances that I air.

And the heavens align....

What a day.  What a day.  Who knew it was possible to go from feeling so disappointed to so excited in one day.  I have been gearing up for my appointment with my OB/GYN today for about five weeks.  I finally have a firm birth plan.  I have been pretty upfront with my OB since I started in her care in January.  I told her that I wanted a natural delivery.  What exactly that entailed, I wasn't sure.  Little did I understand then that there is a big difference between a "drug free" and "low intervention" delivery. 

In reading and taking classes and in trusting in myself, I know what I want.  I know what I am open to and I know what I am capable of.  Well, fitting my wants into the conventional system is a bit more difficult than I expected.  I knew that there might be some apprehension on the part of my provider but that given my history and my experience there might be some room for understanding and compromise.  What I learned today is that I was wrong.  It makes me sad.  It was completely reaffirmed that what I want and what is in the best interest of myself and my baby just doesn't matter.

It wasn't even the exact words that were spoken that saddened me.  It was the attitude that "you can do what you want to but in the end, WE are in charge- you have no say, we are going to do what we are going to do".  The specific examples of this really aren't worth repeating.  The credit that I will give my provider is that when she could tell that I was upset, she said that she understood the experience I wanted and that she just couldn't ensure that she could give it to me.  At that point she asked me if I wanted a copy of my medical records.  And that was it.  The death of the relationship with my OB/GYN.

I left feeling like I had literally been punched in the stomach.  I couldn't even really cry because I was in shock over the bluntness of the conversation.  I couldn't understand why asking for something outside of drugs and intervention was looked at as crazy or outlandish.  I came home to talk to Josh about the discussion I had just had- and thats when the panic hit me.  Holy crap, I am 27 weeks pregnant with no provider and no one but my hubby and my doula on my side.  What the heck am I supposed to do?! 

That's when my head jumped to the hospitals website.  I had been searching for a specialists for my husband and stumbled across the fact that there was a list of midwives that had privileges at my hospital.  I decided to look them back up and give them a call to see if they would dare take someone on this late in the game.  Not only was she taking new patients but she had an appointment TODAY for a meet and greet.  Well- I took the appointment and called my doula.  Not only did my doula know the midwife I was going to talk with but she said she absolutely adored her and that I would immediately fall in love with her. 

I showed up with my same list of questions that I asked my OB/GYN.  I was locked and loaded and and wasn't ready to settle for anything other than what I wanted.  I was a woman on a mission on the outside and scared little pregnant girl on the inside.  Well, the minute she walked in and sat down, things just clicked.  I explained what brought me in and my situation.  She was AMAZING.  I didn't even have to break out my list of questions.  She answered every single one without me even asking.  It was like she knew what I was feeling and put all my fears to rest.  It was like the biggest full bodied sigh of relief.  I am back on board for my own delivery.  It feels so good to have a provider who is on my side and believes in my ability to birth.  Her faith in me reminded me to have faith in myself. 

Ch Ch Ch Changes....

As you may or may not have read about in previous posts, I have "talked" about the fact that I deal with some pretty awesome anxiety from time to time being bi polar and all.  I am currently un-medicated as I am 6 1/2 months pregnant.  I have my good days and I have my not so awesome days just like anyone else but I must admit I have handled all the emotions that come along with pregnancy and life a LOT better this time around.  Maybe its all the counseling I have been through in the last year, maybe its just growing up but I feel like I have a much more stable head on my shoulders. 

So I can pretty much go with the flow with most things but randomly I will have a rush of anxiety about how drastically our lives are about to change again.  We are bringing a third baby into the home.  I have NO clothes for this one as I gave everything away thinking we were done.  We dont have a room for her since each child currently has their own room.  Can we financially swing all that goes along with having another baby?  How is breastfeeding going to play out with this one?  Will I  have postpartum depression with this child?  Will I want to work after she is born or will I be too overwhelmed?  And it makes me think- what in the heck were we thinking having another baby?!

I know, Im almost seven months pregnant and its not exactly the most ideal time to think about motivation.  She is coming like it or not in August.  And PLEASE, dont get me wrong, I am thrilled to tears.  Literally.  I cry every time I think that this is the last time I will experience pregnancy.  I am so excited to meet her and hold her and love her earth- side....Im just freaking out.

Motherhood, marriage and pregnancy have taught me a grave lesson that I fight tooth and nail every day of my life.  This lesson is : I AM IN CONTROL OF VERY LITTLE IN MY LIFE.  That's right.  I can not control the actions of my children, husband or really anyone except me.  I cant stop the hissy fits at dinner time.  I cant change my husband from being brutally frugal.  I cant change the fact that our family dynamic as we know it is about to forever change.  And it KILLS me sometimes.  I think that I should be able to control everything and be responsible for it all.  I have to actually let go and let things play out the way they were meant to and trust that it will all be for the best. 

I have a constant internal struggle where I have to tell myself that its OK to surrender.  Surrender to the process, surrender to the outcome and surrender to the emotions tied to it all.  So how is a control freak mommy supposed to surrender?!  I am still figuring this one out.  Its a day to day struggle for me.  Will it every STOP being a struggle?  I hope that as I experience more and grow that I have the opportunity to be more aware, breath and for a lack of a better term, let it be.  (Queue Beetles music)