My girlfriend and I were talking over making dinner and I was at a loss for what to make. I had a pound of defrosted ground beef- and nothing to do with it. She told me that she would only tell me an idea if I put it on my blog. I know that she was kidding but I had to do it anyway. Oh, and dont ever play truth or dare with me. There isnt a whole lot I WONT do.
So dinner tonight was a recipe affectionately called:
BBQ Beef Ramen Noodles
1 lb ground beef
1-1/2 cups BBQ sauce
2 packages ramen noodles- any flavor
Brown the ground beef with some garlic salt and minced onions. Add the flavor packet to the beef and add BBQ sauce to make a thick sauce. Boil the noodles according to directions and add to sauce. I learned the hard way, break the noodles. The sauce is pretty thick and hard to mix when the noddles are 4 ft long. ENJOY! Sophie sure did- two bowls full!
Friday, April 29, 2011
What do you wish you would have known?
I grew up as the oldest of three kids and truth be told, I was....spoiled. And not just spoiled or well taken care of, but a brat- a big fat spoiled brat. I had nearly any and everything that I ever wanted. If I didnt, you would be hearing about it. In my teenage years, my parents attempted to reign me in, but the damage was done. I got what I wanted, when I wanted it- and I thought that was how life was.
I went away to college, it didnt change. I was a brat in college. I was a brat to my room mates and especially my mother. I worked and always had, but if you thought that taught me any sort of lesson about budgeting, living within my means or gratitude, you are wrong. Whenever I got into trouble, my loving, easily manipulated mother came to my rescue. It was really awesome to be me.
So, at the age of 23, my mother passes away and I find myself alone. No parents to support me or bail me out. In fact, I now had a 12 year old to take care of. What the heck?? How was this possible and how the heck was I going to make it? Did this change my attitude? Nope.
Josh and I had been dating and I never had expected him to take care of me. I wasnt comfortable with him seeing me in that kind of light. We chose to get married a couple of years later, had a daughter, adopted a Katy, bought a house, even had a puppy. Did my attitude change? Well, kind of. I still wanted what I wanted when I wanted it- and thus became the cavern of credit cards and lies to cover up. It wreaked havoc on my marriage. It wasn't just about the money. It was the general attitude of overwhelming brattiness. (yes, that's a word)
Well, cut to six years of marriage, going through rehab for addiction and counseling for a year. What did I learn? Its not all about me. Its not all about what I want and how I feel. I get to take a step back and ask myself if what I want is best for both me and those around me. What a revelation. I wish I would have known this much earlier in life. Here is the funny thing though, when people told me that in my younger years, I laughed at them. How DARE they not know that it's all about me, all the time?! Don't they know who I am?!
The funny thing was, I didn't know who I was, so how in the world would I expect others to know? The greatest lesson I have been able to take away from this is how I am going to raise my kids. I work to instill a sense of self worth so that they aren't looking for a Barbie or a new sweater to define them. I work to instill a greater sense of self. I also work with them on things like budgeting. I literally had NO idea how to do it and actually live by it until I was 30! So what do you wish you would have known? What lesson was lost on you? (I actually have a laundry list if anyone is interested) What do you strive to instill in the next generation?
I went away to college, it didnt change. I was a brat in college. I was a brat to my room mates and especially my mother. I worked and always had, but if you thought that taught me any sort of lesson about budgeting, living within my means or gratitude, you are wrong. Whenever I got into trouble, my loving, easily manipulated mother came to my rescue. It was really awesome to be me.
So, at the age of 23, my mother passes away and I find myself alone. No parents to support me or bail me out. In fact, I now had a 12 year old to take care of. What the heck?? How was this possible and how the heck was I going to make it? Did this change my attitude? Nope.
Josh and I had been dating and I never had expected him to take care of me. I wasnt comfortable with him seeing me in that kind of light. We chose to get married a couple of years later, had a daughter, adopted a Katy, bought a house, even had a puppy. Did my attitude change? Well, kind of. I still wanted what I wanted when I wanted it- and thus became the cavern of credit cards and lies to cover up. It wreaked havoc on my marriage. It wasn't just about the money. It was the general attitude of overwhelming brattiness. (yes, that's a word)
Well, cut to six years of marriage, going through rehab for addiction and counseling for a year. What did I learn? Its not all about me. Its not all about what I want and how I feel. I get to take a step back and ask myself if what I want is best for both me and those around me. What a revelation. I wish I would have known this much earlier in life. Here is the funny thing though, when people told me that in my younger years, I laughed at them. How DARE they not know that it's all about me, all the time?! Don't they know who I am?!
The funny thing was, I didn't know who I was, so how in the world would I expect others to know? The greatest lesson I have been able to take away from this is how I am going to raise my kids. I work to instill a sense of self worth so that they aren't looking for a Barbie or a new sweater to define them. I work to instill a greater sense of self. I also work with them on things like budgeting. I literally had NO idea how to do it and actually live by it until I was 30! So what do you wish you would have known? What lesson was lost on you? (I actually have a laundry list if anyone is interested) What do you strive to instill in the next generation?
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Yummy, yummy banana bread in my tummy!!
So, after years of experimenting and trying to find a decently healthy banana bread recipe, I decided to do a "mash-up" of a few recipes that I have tried and liked. (yes, pun intended) So, I thought that I would share :) Hopefully you enjoy as much as I do....usually by the entire loaf.
3-4 severely over ripe bananas
2 eggs
1/2 cup applesauce (no sugar added- natural organic is the best)
1/3 plain greek yogurt (you can use regular yogurt, I just like that there is more protein and tanginess in greek style)
1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 3/4 cups flour
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp vanilla extract
Optional:
1/2 cup flax seed or nut of your choice
Preheat oven to 325. Mix bananas, eggs, yogurt, apple sauce, vanilla and sugar first. Then add flour, soda and salt until everything is well incorporated. This makes a pretty huge loaf, so I use a greased 9 X 5 loaf pan. Bake for 60-75 minutes. Here is the HARDEST PART. Because you aren't using vegetable fat or animal fat for moisture, you have to let it sit for a couple of hours. Let it cool in the pan for at least an hour and then I wrap it in plastic wrap and store it in a gallon size freezer bag....if you dont eat it all in one sitting....not that I have ever done that.
3-4 severely over ripe bananas
2 eggs
1/2 cup applesauce (no sugar added- natural organic is the best)
1/3 plain greek yogurt (you can use regular yogurt, I just like that there is more protein and tanginess in greek style)
1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 3/4 cups flour
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp vanilla extract
Optional:
1/2 cup flax seed or nut of your choice
Preheat oven to 325. Mix bananas, eggs, yogurt, apple sauce, vanilla and sugar first. Then add flour, soda and salt until everything is well incorporated. This makes a pretty huge loaf, so I use a greased 9 X 5 loaf pan. Bake for 60-75 minutes. Here is the HARDEST PART. Because you aren't using vegetable fat or animal fat for moisture, you have to let it sit for a couple of hours. Let it cool in the pan for at least an hour and then I wrap it in plastic wrap and store it in a gallon size freezer bag....if you dont eat it all in one sitting....not that I have ever done that.
The power of suggestion
So I am choosing a natural delivery with the use of hypnosis for my next ones arrival in August and I was doing some home-play (because it isnt WORK- haha) and I came across an interesting assignment. I get to listen to this track called positive pregnancy affirmations everyday. When I started listening to it, I kind of started rolling my eyes- "I deserve to have an easy painless delivery, My body and my baby will work together.....".
I was initially kind of annoyed that I had to sit there for half an hour and listen to all of this. Then something interesting happened. I actually started listening, not just hearing. Why dont I deserve to have a healthy baby?? Why dont I deserve to have a pain free delivery?? And then it dawned on me, why do I do this in all of the different aspects of my life? I hear suggestions and I dismiss them as annoying or irrelevant, but what if it's not? What if I actually decided that I was worthy of good things? What if I decided that I should and can have good things come my way?
Now I am not one of those who believes that if you wish for something hard enough, that it will just appear. I believe that you have to do the work. I also believe that if you feel deserving and worthy of good things, that you will work a lot harder for the results you want. I also am not one that believes in being happy and only feeling happiness all the time. Life is hard. It wasn't intended to be easy. We are meant to learn and grow and we couldn't do that if it was easy all the time. But do we do ourselves any favors thinking that life will always be like this and that my life is harder than others?
After the death of my father in 1998, I remember thinking how incredibly unfair it was that I only had one parent left and that no one else could possibly understand how hurt and lonely I felt. I remember thinking that this was the lowest of the low feelings and that I would never bounce back from it. Well, granted I was 17 and ultra dramatic at the time, and that its been quite a few years, I can actually look back and laugh at myself. Yes, it was hard and no, I wouldn't wish loosing a parent on anyone, but was it the hardest thing I have endured?? Heck no. Is it up there in the top 25? Absolutely. Did I learn a ton and grow like crazy? You had better believe it. So I sit here and count that experience as one of the greatest blessings of my life.
I made a resolution today that I will only let reaffirming thoughts actively pass through my brain. That's right- for 24 hours, I will not let me tell myself that I am too fat or uncomfortable to do something, that I don't have time to do something, or that I am not worthy of an experience. Considering that I have been up for three hours, and I am having to remind myself of this resolution probably every ten minutes, I can tell you that it's going to be something that I stay conscious and aware of. What if we all tried this with just one thought to begin with? Whats your nagging thought about yourself and your ability? Is it your weight, intelligence, patience level, health?? I know I have negative self talk about myself in all of those categories. Lets all try changing one thought for one day and see what changes?!
I was initially kind of annoyed that I had to sit there for half an hour and listen to all of this. Then something interesting happened. I actually started listening, not just hearing. Why dont I deserve to have a healthy baby?? Why dont I deserve to have a pain free delivery?? And then it dawned on me, why do I do this in all of the different aspects of my life? I hear suggestions and I dismiss them as annoying or irrelevant, but what if it's not? What if I actually decided that I was worthy of good things? What if I decided that I should and can have good things come my way?
Now I am not one of those who believes that if you wish for something hard enough, that it will just appear. I believe that you have to do the work. I also believe that if you feel deserving and worthy of good things, that you will work a lot harder for the results you want. I also am not one that believes in being happy and only feeling happiness all the time. Life is hard. It wasn't intended to be easy. We are meant to learn and grow and we couldn't do that if it was easy all the time. But do we do ourselves any favors thinking that life will always be like this and that my life is harder than others?
After the death of my father in 1998, I remember thinking how incredibly unfair it was that I only had one parent left and that no one else could possibly understand how hurt and lonely I felt. I remember thinking that this was the lowest of the low feelings and that I would never bounce back from it. Well, granted I was 17 and ultra dramatic at the time, and that its been quite a few years, I can actually look back and laugh at myself. Yes, it was hard and no, I wouldn't wish loosing a parent on anyone, but was it the hardest thing I have endured?? Heck no. Is it up there in the top 25? Absolutely. Did I learn a ton and grow like crazy? You had better believe it. So I sit here and count that experience as one of the greatest blessings of my life.
I made a resolution today that I will only let reaffirming thoughts actively pass through my brain. That's right- for 24 hours, I will not let me tell myself that I am too fat or uncomfortable to do something, that I don't have time to do something, or that I am not worthy of an experience. Considering that I have been up for three hours, and I am having to remind myself of this resolution probably every ten minutes, I can tell you that it's going to be something that I stay conscious and aware of. What if we all tried this with just one thought to begin with? Whats your nagging thought about yourself and your ability? Is it your weight, intelligence, patience level, health?? I know I have negative self talk about myself in all of those categories. Lets all try changing one thought for one day and see what changes?!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Change of pace
The last couple of posts have been quite lengthy and a little heavy, so I thought that I would do a change of pace here. As a mom and daycare provider, I am surrounded by little munchkins all day long who say the funniest things. I thought that I would share a couple.
Sophie:
After getting in trouble and yelled at, I slipped down the stairs on my back. I was at the bottom of the stairs crying and Duncan ran over asking if I was ok. Sophie's response: "She'll be fine." Gave me a dirty look and walked away.
We were discussing whether a trip to the zoo or to the local water park would be a better fit for our summer staycation. Sophie of coarse chose the water park and I was disappointed. I told her that mommy didn't feel like getting into a swim suit at 8 months pregnant. Sophie's response: "You don't HAVE to come, you know." Well then...
"Mom, I am almost as excited for my baby sister to come as I am for the Easter bunny to come!"
Duncan:
"Mom! Get my disco ball! It's time to get this party started!!" This was said as we sat down to eat dinner. Maybe he was really excited about spaghetti night?!
"Wow mom, you need to go fix your hair- you look CRAZY!" That was the last time I let my naturally curly hair just air dry.
"Mom, we're having an Oswald!" That was Duncan's interpretation of his new baby sister when we showed him the ultrasound pictures. I guess I can see where Duncan would think a blurry ultra sound pic would liken a cartoon octopus.
And just for poops and giggles- here is a Katy classic:
Katy pulls up to the KFC drive thru after its closed and the automatic reel plays asking her to order. She begins to order and is cut off by a real person who informs her that they are closed.
Katy: "but the machine told me to order!"
KFC: "I'm sorry, its a machine, and we are closed"
Katy: thinks for about 5 seconds "but I'm already HERE!"
Sophie:
After getting in trouble and yelled at, I slipped down the stairs on my back. I was at the bottom of the stairs crying and Duncan ran over asking if I was ok. Sophie's response: "She'll be fine." Gave me a dirty look and walked away.
We were discussing whether a trip to the zoo or to the local water park would be a better fit for our summer staycation. Sophie of coarse chose the water park and I was disappointed. I told her that mommy didn't feel like getting into a swim suit at 8 months pregnant. Sophie's response: "You don't HAVE to come, you know." Well then...
"Mom, I am almost as excited for my baby sister to come as I am for the Easter bunny to come!"
Duncan:
"Mom! Get my disco ball! It's time to get this party started!!" This was said as we sat down to eat dinner. Maybe he was really excited about spaghetti night?!
"Wow mom, you need to go fix your hair- you look CRAZY!" That was the last time I let my naturally curly hair just air dry.
"Mom, we're having an Oswald!" That was Duncan's interpretation of his new baby sister when we showed him the ultrasound pictures. I guess I can see where Duncan would think a blurry ultra sound pic would liken a cartoon octopus.
And just for poops and giggles- here is a Katy classic:
Katy pulls up to the KFC drive thru after its closed and the automatic reel plays asking her to order. She begins to order and is cut off by a real person who informs her that they are closed.
Katy: "but the machine told me to order!"
KFC: "I'm sorry, its a machine, and we are closed"
Katy: thinks for about 5 seconds "but I'm already HERE!"
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Dear Mom and Dad....
It's been a long time since we spoke. Whether face to face, over the phone, through letters to your grave or through silent moments of reflection. It tends to be difficult to start these conversations lately. Part of it has been the fact that I am pregnant. It's difficult knowing that we are bringing the third and final child into our family and that none of my children had the opportunity to know you in this world. It makes me sad because despite all the craziness, the abuse, the hurt and the scars left on my heart, I love you.
Your lives and choices shaped me into the person and the mother that I am now, and for that, I am eternally grateful. I love motherhood and I cherish it dearly. I love being part of a family where we choose to have stability and peace. I love the laughter and awesome moments of my children's personalities. I know that you watch and guide from the other side, but how I wish you could hold my kids, hug them, sing them songs and just experience the joy they bring.
Josh and I have been married 6 years now. Wow has it been a tough six years. Marriage was a huge adjustment for me. I don't think that I fully grasped the concept of team work and that it wasn't all about someone else walking in the door simply to make every wish and whim come true in my life. I didn't understand that it wasn't Josh's job to make me happy, and that cause a lot of problems. I fell back into coping patterns from my youth and it left a pretty hefty trail of hurt. We have been through a lot in the nearly ten years we have been committed to each other. Lots of loss, lies, financial struggles and over all growing pains of growing up and trying to grow together. The good news is we are stronger now than we have ever been and we are more deeply connected and bonded because of the trials we have encountered along the way.
You would really enjoy Josh. He is so incredibly caring and sweet. He is a computer guy, so you wouldn't have a whole lot in common :) He has a great appreciation for music and art and tends to be very introspective. He is a really involved father which I am so incredibly happy about. He has such a quiet personality that it really catches most people off guard with how hilarious he is.
Katy is 20 now and she is quite the accomplished young gal. She has chosen German and psychology as her major in school. We aren't really sure what she is going to do with it, but truth be told, I don't think that she really knows either. She is at a real turning point in her life where she has so many options available to her that I think that it tends to get a bit overwhelming. I tried to raise her as a very independent, free thinking person and I would like to think that she has been. She has developed a relationship with her birth parents that has been really neat to watch.
Sophie is just a tender little bug. She has the biggest heart for a girl so small. She is very empathic and endearing. She always knows when someone around her needs a hug or an "I love you". It's the thing I love about her the most, yet struggle with the most. She begins kindergarten in the fall and loves to learn. She is already counting the days till she starts school. She is reading and writing and its far too smart for her own good. She always has a smart little comment to add to all the adult conversation.
Duncan is a scream. He is so tiny for his age, but what he lacks in size, he makes up for in personality. He is my little ray of sunshine. It's very seldom you will find him without a great big smile on his face and armed with a joke. He is a music lover and never wastes a moment when he could be shaking his booty. He is also the biggest mommy's boy ever. I love that. He needs lots of love, snuggles, back scratches and kisses. I cant be around him without smiling.
We are expecting a little girl to arrive in August. I cant really introduce her as we havent really been introduced yet, but I cant wait. She is by far my most active little one. I think that I am more attached to this pregnancy and little one since I know this is our last time. It's been a very bittersweet feeling to know that this is the last time I will experience having a little one growing inside me.
I miss you two. It's been too long and I don't know what happens to us after this world is through for us, but I would hope that we can be reunited and that you can meet the amazing children I have been blessed with. I hope that you can see us and watch over us. I know that I don't always make the right decisions, but I am trying my best and I hope you know that. I love you.
Eternally your daughter,
Kristen
Your lives and choices shaped me into the person and the mother that I am now, and for that, I am eternally grateful. I love motherhood and I cherish it dearly. I love being part of a family where we choose to have stability and peace. I love the laughter and awesome moments of my children's personalities. I know that you watch and guide from the other side, but how I wish you could hold my kids, hug them, sing them songs and just experience the joy they bring.
Josh and I have been married 6 years now. Wow has it been a tough six years. Marriage was a huge adjustment for me. I don't think that I fully grasped the concept of team work and that it wasn't all about someone else walking in the door simply to make every wish and whim come true in my life. I didn't understand that it wasn't Josh's job to make me happy, and that cause a lot of problems. I fell back into coping patterns from my youth and it left a pretty hefty trail of hurt. We have been through a lot in the nearly ten years we have been committed to each other. Lots of loss, lies, financial struggles and over all growing pains of growing up and trying to grow together. The good news is we are stronger now than we have ever been and we are more deeply connected and bonded because of the trials we have encountered along the way.
You would really enjoy Josh. He is so incredibly caring and sweet. He is a computer guy, so you wouldn't have a whole lot in common :) He has a great appreciation for music and art and tends to be very introspective. He is a really involved father which I am so incredibly happy about. He has such a quiet personality that it really catches most people off guard with how hilarious he is.
Katy is 20 now and she is quite the accomplished young gal. She has chosen German and psychology as her major in school. We aren't really sure what she is going to do with it, but truth be told, I don't think that she really knows either. She is at a real turning point in her life where she has so many options available to her that I think that it tends to get a bit overwhelming. I tried to raise her as a very independent, free thinking person and I would like to think that she has been. She has developed a relationship with her birth parents that has been really neat to watch.
Sophie is just a tender little bug. She has the biggest heart for a girl so small. She is very empathic and endearing. She always knows when someone around her needs a hug or an "I love you". It's the thing I love about her the most, yet struggle with the most. She begins kindergarten in the fall and loves to learn. She is already counting the days till she starts school. She is reading and writing and its far too smart for her own good. She always has a smart little comment to add to all the adult conversation.
Duncan is a scream. He is so tiny for his age, but what he lacks in size, he makes up for in personality. He is my little ray of sunshine. It's very seldom you will find him without a great big smile on his face and armed with a joke. He is a music lover and never wastes a moment when he could be shaking his booty. He is also the biggest mommy's boy ever. I love that. He needs lots of love, snuggles, back scratches and kisses. I cant be around him without smiling.
We are expecting a little girl to arrive in August. I cant really introduce her as we havent really been introduced yet, but I cant wait. She is by far my most active little one. I think that I am more attached to this pregnancy and little one since I know this is our last time. It's been a very bittersweet feeling to know that this is the last time I will experience having a little one growing inside me.
I miss you two. It's been too long and I don't know what happens to us after this world is through for us, but I would hope that we can be reunited and that you can meet the amazing children I have been blessed with. I hope that you can see us and watch over us. I know that I don't always make the right decisions, but I am trying my best and I hope you know that. I love you.
Eternally your daughter,
Kristen
Monday, April 25, 2011
What the heck, let's try something new....
OK, So for those who arent aware, Josh and I are expecting our third little bundle of joy in August. We were COMPLETELY caught off guard when we found out, and after a sick first trimester, we were able to feel really excited about this new addition. Yes, it took me three months to get excited, and no, I don't feel badly about it. Upon finding out that we were pregnant this time around, the notorious last words of our former anesthesiologist resounded in my head..."you should never, ever, have another epidural". At the time, I took these words with a grain of salt as I thought that my son's delivery was quite possibly the last one we would have. We had a girl, we had a boy, we were happy.
Well, it looks as though plans had changed, which meant I had to actually MAKE a plan. But where the hell do I start making a plan?? We really hadn't made a plan with either one of our children's deliveries. We were one of the many young couples who goes to an OB/GYN, trusts in the basic hospital birthing plan, which includes but is not limited to scheduling an induction if you go over your "due" (like its a library book) date by more than a week, pop your water, hook you up to an IV, give you fluids, pitocin and whatever else they put in there that I was too delirious to ask, get an epidural and push out a perfectly healthy child.
We followed this "plan" for the our little Sophie's arrival, I was 42 week+2 days and went into labor on my own the morning of the scheduled induction. I was dialated to a 2+ and had pretty steady contractions when I arrived at the hospital. They still hooked me on up, and told me I needed to have pitocin to help my contractions even out, since they were ranging from 2-5 minutes apart. Things went from tolerable to insane within half an hour. They are NOT messing around with this pitocin stuff. I progressed to a 5 on my own before the charge nurse insisted that I get my epidural. She told me that I was in too much pain and I was clenching which was keeping me from progressing, and if I didnt progress, I was a shoe in for a c-section. Scared to death, I got my epidural, and progressed quite quickly.
Keep in mind, I was under the impression that I was supposed to be numb from the waist down, so I was expecting NO pain. Well, it didnt quite happen that way. My stomach was numb and my feet were numb, and that was it. I was not numb in the place that you need to be for an episiotemy to be painless, so it was not painless. In fact, my poor cousin sitting in the waiting room heard loud explitives when it was performed. I was quickly given a local and was able to dialate quickly and pushed out a 7 lb 14 oz little bundle of perfection (after three hours of pushing, and two more threats of a c-section).
Would I call our experience traumatizing? No. Not at all. I would call it a very uneducated delivery on the part of myself. I should have known to ask questions and insist on what I knew was right with my body. I thought that we had just had a bum epidural and that it doesn't happen that way all the time. We were told that it would be easier next time around, and we trusted that.
Cut to 18 months post delivery, and we find out we are pregnant again! So, I decided to make a change. In OB/GYNs. I figured that I had heard such wonderful things about this other doctor, that it MUST have been a bad doctor experience, and not the actual process that is the hospital standard. So we change OB's. I LOVED our OB. I probably had a crush on him at the time looking back on it. He was young, personable and seemed really invested in me, and so complimentary during a time when a woman isnt exactly feeling the cutest :)
Pre- natal care went really well and was pretty routine until week 36. I started to measure quite large and so began the ultra sounds. We had an ultra sound once a week and I was terrified because I was being told that my son was well over 9 lbs! I had really struggled to get poor Sophie out and she wasnt even 8! So the logic was presented that if I wanted to avoid a c-section, we should induce. I was due Christmas Day, so we opted to induce the day after.
We arrived on time, got changed and settled in for what we expected would be a long, boring day. About 5 minutes after my paperwork was all complete, the nurse came in and informed me that it was time to break my water. I had heard nothing but passive comments about having your water broken. ie- it doesnt hurt, it just feels funny. Well I have a tilted cervix and was only dialted to a 1. Put those factors together with an impatient doctor, and I was in nauseating, cold sweat kind of pain. I thought that was the worst it, and it was- for a while.
I was started on a pitocin drip right after my water was broken and so labor began. It was pretty uneventful. We watched a TLC marathon and laughed. I tried moving around but was strapped up with monitors and IV's so it made it difficult to do more than switch sides that were going numb. Three hours later, I had progressed to a 3+ and was still feeling pretty ok. That's when the day took a change. The nurse came in and asked if I was planning on an epidural. She then proceeded to tell me that the anesthesiologist was about to go into a three hour conference and would be unavailable, so if I wanted an epidural, it had to happen now. Scared that contractions were going to get bad quickly, I opted for the proceedure.
The doctor came in and for the first time ever someone asked me about previous back injury. Well, low and behold, I had broken my back in two places in my early teens and still had pain from it. He told me that he was nervous about giving me an epidural but that he would go ahead since I had already had one with no problems. I had my epidural and guess what?! NO PAIN. I could feel NOTHING from the waist down. It was the strangest feeling, but Oh, so welcome. I was told a pain free birth with epidural and I was finally going to get it.
Three hour pass, I get a cervical check, NOTHING. I was still at a 3+. I stayed there for hours with no progress and no change, except for the flow of the epidural. That's right. The flow of the epidural went up rather than down somehow. I didn't lay down, I hadn't even really moved, since I couldn't feel literally anything. So I went from a state of concern about the fact that I was starting to tingle, to a state of panic in a matter of seconds. I quickly started to loose my ability to breathe, my ability to feel my arms and hands and finally, my ability to see started to go. My poor husband went from pushing the nurse call button to running down the hall screaming for a nurse.
When the anesthesiologist arrived, he began to scream asking what I had done. What I had done? What did YOU do? I didnt put my own epidural in! Once the pump had been shut off for roughly 20 minutes and I had been on straight oxygen, I started to regain sight and feeling. The doctor and I had an understanding that since it was already in place, I would continue with my epidural as long as I was monitored much closer. Crisis averted, right?
So the day went on and roughly 13 hours into labor, with my pitocin drip and epidural maxed, we started to notice that the monitors were showing a lower heart rate for our baby. Not only was it dropping, it wasn't bouncing back like it had been. Coinsedentally around this time, the frequency of nurses showing up in our room increased dramaticly. We went from seeing a nurse once every couple of hours to every five minutes. About thirty minutes after this started, a nurse came in and turned off the baby monitor and within three minutes, the room was filled with half a dozen nurses from maternity, three or four from NICU and my doctor and nothing was being said. We asked what was going on so many times I couldn't begin to count and the only thing that we were told was that the doctor would be in momentarily to explain.
Terrified, I began to sob uncontrollably. The doctor entered the room, panic written all over his face, and told the nurses to grab a leg because we had to get this baby out NOW. I am now eternally grateful that I had that epidural, because within seconds, the doctor had taken forcepts, reached in my not fully dialated cervix and pulled my baby out of me. I was in total shock. First of all, my 9 lb baby that I was terrified to have, the 9 lb baby that was the reason that we were inducing because of, ended up being a 6 lb 3 oz gray, unresponsive baby. In shock and in trying to cope, the only words that escaped me at this moment was, "where is the rest of him?". Comical to say now, terrifying at the moment. Within two minutes, the nurses had him taking his first breaths, and within seconds, he began to pink up.
I couldnt even tell you how long I cried, or really WHY I was crying. I was so relieved that this experience was over, I was so far in shock over what had just happened, I was so happy to meet my beautiful son. Who really knows at those kinds of moments WHY you feel the way you do. Does it really matter? I ended up with a cervical tear, two vaginal wall tears, a second degree episiotomy and a tear. In total, it took roughly two hours and 100 stitches to put me back together.
Would I call this experience traumatizing? Hell yes I do. I really didn't think that I would be able to get over the fear in order to give birth to another baby. At this point though, I really was convinced that we were done. I couldn't go through another experience like that. So here I sit, typing all of this out at 24 weeks pregnant facing my third delivery. Am I still traumatized? No. I have had three and half years to understand that given the situation we were facing, the medical team reacted appropriately. I have also come to terms the part that I played in that situation. I consented to an induction based on fear. My body and my baby were not ready. I was not educated that I most certainly could have delivered a 9 lb baby on my own and that I wasn't a broken machine. I had never thought to discuss with my medical providers or my anesthesiologists, my history of a broken back. I never looked for options. I did what I thought I was supposed to, and when things didn't go according to the plan I failed to make, I was traumatized.
So this time around, I decided that yes, this is my third baby, but no, I didn't have to have a repeat performance of my last two "helpless" deliveries. In fact, not really ever planning to have another baby, but purely out of curiosity, I started asking around about a year after Duncan's birth about other people's birth experiences. I ended up hearing through the grapevine that I had a friend from high school who also happened to live in my neighborhood, who delivered 5 beautiful, perfectly healthy children, at HOME! In her tub!! This was a completely foreign concept to me. I literally had never heard of this let along known someone who had chosen this, or that it was even an option. Me being the nosey, curious cat that I am, I picked up the phone armed with about a thousand questions. We chatted for nearly two hours and I must admit, my jaw was wide open about 90% of the time because I had no idea that you could actually DO that!
This conversation planted a seed in my head. I wasn't planning on getting pregnant any time soon, but for the first time in my life, I knew that there was another option. Cut to December 2010 and I am staring at a positive pregnancy test in complete shock. It looks like its time to actually make a plan. The exact words "what the heck, let's try something new" went through my head. I started reading blogs, watched a couple of documentaries and talking to people. I kind of went crazy for a while. I was in shock, but this time because I couldn't believe how many options were available to me. I couldn't believe that I didn't have to even go to an OB/GYN if there wasn't medical necessity for it. I was just in shock. I also had this complete an total feeling of embarrassment. How could I have TWO children and not know that there was another way? What a sheep I was programmed to be.
I want to make perfectly clear that I completely understand why there are hospitals, OB/GYNs, c-sections, epidurals and what their place is and I am SO grateful that they are there when they are genuinely needed. I also understand that I can trust in my body's ability to give birth. I am for the first time, EXCITED to give birth. I am EXCITED to bring this new life into this world. I am EXCITED to create the birth experience that I want.
I am learning so much, and the largest part is learning how to trust in myself. I know that if I can do that, it will carry into my life in all aspects, not just child birth. I am so grateful for an understanding and supportive husband that is behind me 100% with whatever I choose. I am grateful for the friends that support me in my decision to move forward with an un-medicated, natural delivery. I am even grateful for those who don't understand why in the world I would make this decision. It reminds me WHY I am making this decision and the importance of choice.
Thus far, I am armed with one of the best doulas that the world could ask for and I begin hypnobabies classes tomorrow. I have been continuing to read up on all of my options and doing my homework and feel confident in the decisions I have made.
Well, it looks as though plans had changed, which meant I had to actually MAKE a plan. But where the hell do I start making a plan?? We really hadn't made a plan with either one of our children's deliveries. We were one of the many young couples who goes to an OB/GYN, trusts in the basic hospital birthing plan, which includes but is not limited to scheduling an induction if you go over your "due" (like its a library book) date by more than a week, pop your water, hook you up to an IV, give you fluids, pitocin and whatever else they put in there that I was too delirious to ask, get an epidural and push out a perfectly healthy child.
We followed this "plan" for the our little Sophie's arrival, I was 42 week+2 days and went into labor on my own the morning of the scheduled induction. I was dialated to a 2+ and had pretty steady contractions when I arrived at the hospital. They still hooked me on up, and told me I needed to have pitocin to help my contractions even out, since they were ranging from 2-5 minutes apart. Things went from tolerable to insane within half an hour. They are NOT messing around with this pitocin stuff. I progressed to a 5 on my own before the charge nurse insisted that I get my epidural. She told me that I was in too much pain and I was clenching which was keeping me from progressing, and if I didnt progress, I was a shoe in for a c-section. Scared to death, I got my epidural, and progressed quite quickly.
Keep in mind, I was under the impression that I was supposed to be numb from the waist down, so I was expecting NO pain. Well, it didnt quite happen that way. My stomach was numb and my feet were numb, and that was it. I was not numb in the place that you need to be for an episiotemy to be painless, so it was not painless. In fact, my poor cousin sitting in the waiting room heard loud explitives when it was performed. I was quickly given a local and was able to dialate quickly and pushed out a 7 lb 14 oz little bundle of perfection (after three hours of pushing, and two more threats of a c-section).
Would I call our experience traumatizing? No. Not at all. I would call it a very uneducated delivery on the part of myself. I should have known to ask questions and insist on what I knew was right with my body. I thought that we had just had a bum epidural and that it doesn't happen that way all the time. We were told that it would be easier next time around, and we trusted that.
Cut to 18 months post delivery, and we find out we are pregnant again! So, I decided to make a change. In OB/GYNs. I figured that I had heard such wonderful things about this other doctor, that it MUST have been a bad doctor experience, and not the actual process that is the hospital standard. So we change OB's. I LOVED our OB. I probably had a crush on him at the time looking back on it. He was young, personable and seemed really invested in me, and so complimentary during a time when a woman isnt exactly feeling the cutest :)
Pre- natal care went really well and was pretty routine until week 36. I started to measure quite large and so began the ultra sounds. We had an ultra sound once a week and I was terrified because I was being told that my son was well over 9 lbs! I had really struggled to get poor Sophie out and she wasnt even 8! So the logic was presented that if I wanted to avoid a c-section, we should induce. I was due Christmas Day, so we opted to induce the day after.
We arrived on time, got changed and settled in for what we expected would be a long, boring day. About 5 minutes after my paperwork was all complete, the nurse came in and informed me that it was time to break my water. I had heard nothing but passive comments about having your water broken. ie- it doesnt hurt, it just feels funny. Well I have a tilted cervix and was only dialted to a 1. Put those factors together with an impatient doctor, and I was in nauseating, cold sweat kind of pain. I thought that was the worst it, and it was- for a while.
I was started on a pitocin drip right after my water was broken and so labor began. It was pretty uneventful. We watched a TLC marathon and laughed. I tried moving around but was strapped up with monitors and IV's so it made it difficult to do more than switch sides that were going numb. Three hours later, I had progressed to a 3+ and was still feeling pretty ok. That's when the day took a change. The nurse came in and asked if I was planning on an epidural. She then proceeded to tell me that the anesthesiologist was about to go into a three hour conference and would be unavailable, so if I wanted an epidural, it had to happen now. Scared that contractions were going to get bad quickly, I opted for the proceedure.
The doctor came in and for the first time ever someone asked me about previous back injury. Well, low and behold, I had broken my back in two places in my early teens and still had pain from it. He told me that he was nervous about giving me an epidural but that he would go ahead since I had already had one with no problems. I had my epidural and guess what?! NO PAIN. I could feel NOTHING from the waist down. It was the strangest feeling, but Oh, so welcome. I was told a pain free birth with epidural and I was finally going to get it.
Three hour pass, I get a cervical check, NOTHING. I was still at a 3+. I stayed there for hours with no progress and no change, except for the flow of the epidural. That's right. The flow of the epidural went up rather than down somehow. I didn't lay down, I hadn't even really moved, since I couldn't feel literally anything. So I went from a state of concern about the fact that I was starting to tingle, to a state of panic in a matter of seconds. I quickly started to loose my ability to breathe, my ability to feel my arms and hands and finally, my ability to see started to go. My poor husband went from pushing the nurse call button to running down the hall screaming for a nurse.
When the anesthesiologist arrived, he began to scream asking what I had done. What I had done? What did YOU do? I didnt put my own epidural in! Once the pump had been shut off for roughly 20 minutes and I had been on straight oxygen, I started to regain sight and feeling. The doctor and I had an understanding that since it was already in place, I would continue with my epidural as long as I was monitored much closer. Crisis averted, right?
So the day went on and roughly 13 hours into labor, with my pitocin drip and epidural maxed, we started to notice that the monitors were showing a lower heart rate for our baby. Not only was it dropping, it wasn't bouncing back like it had been. Coinsedentally around this time, the frequency of nurses showing up in our room increased dramaticly. We went from seeing a nurse once every couple of hours to every five minutes. About thirty minutes after this started, a nurse came in and turned off the baby monitor and within three minutes, the room was filled with half a dozen nurses from maternity, three or four from NICU and my doctor and nothing was being said. We asked what was going on so many times I couldn't begin to count and the only thing that we were told was that the doctor would be in momentarily to explain.
Terrified, I began to sob uncontrollably. The doctor entered the room, panic written all over his face, and told the nurses to grab a leg because we had to get this baby out NOW. I am now eternally grateful that I had that epidural, because within seconds, the doctor had taken forcepts, reached in my not fully dialated cervix and pulled my baby out of me. I was in total shock. First of all, my 9 lb baby that I was terrified to have, the 9 lb baby that was the reason that we were inducing because of, ended up being a 6 lb 3 oz gray, unresponsive baby. In shock and in trying to cope, the only words that escaped me at this moment was, "where is the rest of him?". Comical to say now, terrifying at the moment. Within two minutes, the nurses had him taking his first breaths, and within seconds, he began to pink up.
I couldnt even tell you how long I cried, or really WHY I was crying. I was so relieved that this experience was over, I was so far in shock over what had just happened, I was so happy to meet my beautiful son. Who really knows at those kinds of moments WHY you feel the way you do. Does it really matter? I ended up with a cervical tear, two vaginal wall tears, a second degree episiotomy and a tear. In total, it took roughly two hours and 100 stitches to put me back together.
Would I call this experience traumatizing? Hell yes I do. I really didn't think that I would be able to get over the fear in order to give birth to another baby. At this point though, I really was convinced that we were done. I couldn't go through another experience like that. So here I sit, typing all of this out at 24 weeks pregnant facing my third delivery. Am I still traumatized? No. I have had three and half years to understand that given the situation we were facing, the medical team reacted appropriately. I have also come to terms the part that I played in that situation. I consented to an induction based on fear. My body and my baby were not ready. I was not educated that I most certainly could have delivered a 9 lb baby on my own and that I wasn't a broken machine. I had never thought to discuss with my medical providers or my anesthesiologists, my history of a broken back. I never looked for options. I did what I thought I was supposed to, and when things didn't go according to the plan I failed to make, I was traumatized.
So this time around, I decided that yes, this is my third baby, but no, I didn't have to have a repeat performance of my last two "helpless" deliveries. In fact, not really ever planning to have another baby, but purely out of curiosity, I started asking around about a year after Duncan's birth about other people's birth experiences. I ended up hearing through the grapevine that I had a friend from high school who also happened to live in my neighborhood, who delivered 5 beautiful, perfectly healthy children, at HOME! In her tub!! This was a completely foreign concept to me. I literally had never heard of this let along known someone who had chosen this, or that it was even an option. Me being the nosey, curious cat that I am, I picked up the phone armed with about a thousand questions. We chatted for nearly two hours and I must admit, my jaw was wide open about 90% of the time because I had no idea that you could actually DO that!
This conversation planted a seed in my head. I wasn't planning on getting pregnant any time soon, but for the first time in my life, I knew that there was another option. Cut to December 2010 and I am staring at a positive pregnancy test in complete shock. It looks like its time to actually make a plan. The exact words "what the heck, let's try something new" went through my head. I started reading blogs, watched a couple of documentaries and talking to people. I kind of went crazy for a while. I was in shock, but this time because I couldn't believe how many options were available to me. I couldn't believe that I didn't have to even go to an OB/GYN if there wasn't medical necessity for it. I was just in shock. I also had this complete an total feeling of embarrassment. How could I have TWO children and not know that there was another way? What a sheep I was programmed to be.
I want to make perfectly clear that I completely understand why there are hospitals, OB/GYNs, c-sections, epidurals and what their place is and I am SO grateful that they are there when they are genuinely needed. I also understand that I can trust in my body's ability to give birth. I am for the first time, EXCITED to give birth. I am EXCITED to bring this new life into this world. I am EXCITED to create the birth experience that I want.
I am learning so much, and the largest part is learning how to trust in myself. I know that if I can do that, it will carry into my life in all aspects, not just child birth. I am so grateful for an understanding and supportive husband that is behind me 100% with whatever I choose. I am grateful for the friends that support me in my decision to move forward with an un-medicated, natural delivery. I am even grateful for those who don't understand why in the world I would make this decision. It reminds me WHY I am making this decision and the importance of choice.
Thus far, I am armed with one of the best doulas that the world could ask for and I begin hypnobabies classes tomorrow. I have been continuing to read up on all of my options and doing my homework and feel confident in the decisions I have made.
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