Dear Mom and Dad....

It's been a long time since we spoke.  Whether face to face, over the phone, through letters to your grave or through silent moments of reflection.  It tends to be difficult to start these conversations lately.  Part of it has been the fact that I am pregnant.  It's difficult knowing that we are bringing the third and final child into our family and that none of my children had the opportunity to know you in this world.  It makes me sad because despite all the craziness, the abuse, the hurt and the scars left on my heart, I love you. 

Your lives and choices shaped me into the person and the mother that I am now, and for that, I am eternally grateful.  I love motherhood and I cherish it dearly.  I love being part of a family where we choose to have stability and peace.  I love the laughter and awesome moments of my children's personalities.  I know that you watch and guide from the other side, but how I wish you could hold my kids, hug them, sing them songs and just experience the joy they bring.


Josh and I have been married 6 years now.  Wow has it been a tough six years.  Marriage was a huge adjustment for me.  I don't think that I fully grasped the concept of team work and that it wasn't all about someone else walking in the door simply to make every wish and whim come true in my life.  I didn't understand that it wasn't Josh's job to make me happy, and that cause a lot of problems.  I fell back into coping patterns from my youth and it left a pretty hefty trail of hurt.  We have been through a lot in the nearly ten years we have been committed to each other.  Lots of loss, lies, financial struggles and over all growing pains of growing up and trying to grow together.  The good news is we are stronger now than we have ever been and we are more deeply connected and bonded because of the trials we have encountered along the way.

You would really enjoy Josh.  He is so incredibly caring and sweet.  He is a computer guy, so you wouldn't have a whole lot in common :)  He has a great appreciation for music and art and tends to be very introspective.  He is a really involved father which I am so incredibly happy about.  He has such a quiet personality that it really catches most people off guard with how hilarious he is. 

Katy is 20 now and she is quite the accomplished young gal.  She has chosen German and psychology as her major in school.  We aren't really sure what she is going to do with it, but truth be told, I don't think that she really knows either.  She is at a real turning point in her life where she has so many options available to her that I think that it tends to get a bit overwhelming.  I tried to raise her as a very independent, free thinking person and I would like to think that she has been.  She has developed a relationship with her birth parents that has been really neat to watch. 

Sophie is just a tender little bug.  She has the biggest heart for a girl so small.  She is very empathic and endearing.  She always knows when someone around her needs a hug or an "I love you".  It's the thing I love about her the most, yet struggle with the most.  She begins kindergarten in the fall and loves to learn.  She is already counting the days till she starts school.  She is reading and writing and its far too smart for her own good.  She always has a smart little comment to add to all the adult conversation. 

Duncan is a scream.  He is so tiny for his age, but what he lacks in size, he makes up for in personality.  He is my little ray of sunshine.  It's very seldom you will find him without a great big smile on his face and armed with a joke.  He is a music lover and never wastes a moment when he could be shaking his booty.  He is also the biggest mommy's boy ever.  I love that.  He needs lots of love, snuggles, back scratches and kisses.  I cant be around him without smiling. 

We are expecting a little girl to arrive in August.  I cant really introduce her as we havent really been introduced yet, but I cant wait.  She is by far my most active little one.  I think that I am more attached to this pregnancy and little one since I know this is our last time.  It's been a very bittersweet feeling to know that this is the last time I will experience having a little one growing inside me. 

I miss you two.  It's been too long and I don't know what happens to us after this world is through for us, but I would hope that we can be reunited and that you can meet the amazing children I have been blessed with.  I hope that you can see us and watch over us.  I know that I don't always make the right decisions, but I am trying my best and I hope you know that.  I love you. 

Eternally your daughter,
Kristen