Its only 9 months, right?!

So the blessing of pregnancy is one that I am so eternally grateful for and honored that I get to experience.  That being said, there are days where I want certain things that I just cant have when pregnant.   It doesnt bug me for the most part, but other days, it feels like the death of me.  Here is a little list of things that I am so excited for once I have my little bundle of joy in my arms. 

*Sleeping how I want to, when I want to.  I miss the occasional stomach nap, without having to use 20 pillows.  I also miss actually being able to sleep.  I am one of those lucky ones that has insomnia from the day of conception until the day of arrival. 

*Steak.  I know, I know- you can eat steak when you are pregnant.  I will only eat a steak medium rare and not a degree over.  Hence- no steak for me.  What is the point of eating it once its well done and leathery?!

*Sushi.  I love, desire and crave raw fish.  I know some people find it gross but I cannot live with out it.  9 months about does me in.

*My feet.  I cant see them, I cant reach them and they morph into these strange Flinstone type things toward the end of the day.  My big toe actually swells to the point of pain.  Yes, my big toe.

*Clothing variety.  I refuse to spend tons of cash on maternity clothes.  I will buy a few shirts and a couple of pairs of pants and thats about it.  You can only make so many outfits out of those few basics.  I get tired looking in the mirror and seeing the outfit I wore two days ago. 

*Coffee.  Yes, I still partake in an occasional cup of coffee but a heightened sense of smell and a picky preggy tummy has made me a horrible coffee snob.  I cant take cheap coffee.  I seriously gag.

*Snuggle time.  I have this weird thing that happens when I get pregnant.  I get very claustrophobic.  I cant handle more than a little snuggle with the hubby without feeling like the walls are closing in on me.  Combine that with the ultra sensitive nose that I aquire and its no good.  I cant STAND the smell of Josh's deoderant when I'm pregnant.  Blech!

*Jogging.  I LOVE to jog.  It became one of my favorite things to do when I lost weight.  I miss being able to lace up my jogging shoes and crank my ipod in the basement and get in a couple of miles.  Im lucky if I can walk to the mailbox right now without feeling hip pain, round ligament pain, or having to pee.

*Wrestling with my kids.  I love to wrestle and play with my kids.  Its one of our favorite things to do.  Unfortunately, once I am on the floor, my mobility it pretty limited.  It can take me a few minutes just to figure out how the heck to stand up!

*Energy.  I miss having the energy to do the simple things that I typically do on a daily basis.  I miss carrying a basket of laundry upstairs.  I miss vacuuming without having to stop for 20 minutes afterward to sit down while Braxton Hicks ensue.  

I know that its just temporary and it's all for the greater good.  I know that once I am holding her in my arms that none of this will matter.  I know that there will always be SOMETHING that I can complain about having to do or not being able to do.  For now, these are the grievances that I air.

And the heavens align....

What a day.  What a day.  Who knew it was possible to go from feeling so disappointed to so excited in one day.  I have been gearing up for my appointment with my OB/GYN today for about five weeks.  I finally have a firm birth plan.  I have been pretty upfront with my OB since I started in her care in January.  I told her that I wanted a natural delivery.  What exactly that entailed, I wasn't sure.  Little did I understand then that there is a big difference between a "drug free" and "low intervention" delivery. 

In reading and taking classes and in trusting in myself, I know what I want.  I know what I am open to and I know what I am capable of.  Well, fitting my wants into the conventional system is a bit more difficult than I expected.  I knew that there might be some apprehension on the part of my provider but that given my history and my experience there might be some room for understanding and compromise.  What I learned today is that I was wrong.  It makes me sad.  It was completely reaffirmed that what I want and what is in the best interest of myself and my baby just doesn't matter.

It wasn't even the exact words that were spoken that saddened me.  It was the attitude that "you can do what you want to but in the end, WE are in charge- you have no say, we are going to do what we are going to do".  The specific examples of this really aren't worth repeating.  The credit that I will give my provider is that when she could tell that I was upset, she said that she understood the experience I wanted and that she just couldn't ensure that she could give it to me.  At that point she asked me if I wanted a copy of my medical records.  And that was it.  The death of the relationship with my OB/GYN.

I left feeling like I had literally been punched in the stomach.  I couldn't even really cry because I was in shock over the bluntness of the conversation.  I couldn't understand why asking for something outside of drugs and intervention was looked at as crazy or outlandish.  I came home to talk to Josh about the discussion I had just had- and thats when the panic hit me.  Holy crap, I am 27 weeks pregnant with no provider and no one but my hubby and my doula on my side.  What the heck am I supposed to do?! 

That's when my head jumped to the hospitals website.  I had been searching for a specialists for my husband and stumbled across the fact that there was a list of midwives that had privileges at my hospital.  I decided to look them back up and give them a call to see if they would dare take someone on this late in the game.  Not only was she taking new patients but she had an appointment TODAY for a meet and greet.  Well- I took the appointment and called my doula.  Not only did my doula know the midwife I was going to talk with but she said she absolutely adored her and that I would immediately fall in love with her. 

I showed up with my same list of questions that I asked my OB/GYN.  I was locked and loaded and and wasn't ready to settle for anything other than what I wanted.  I was a woman on a mission on the outside and scared little pregnant girl on the inside.  Well, the minute she walked in and sat down, things just clicked.  I explained what brought me in and my situation.  She was AMAZING.  I didn't even have to break out my list of questions.  She answered every single one without me even asking.  It was like she knew what I was feeling and put all my fears to rest.  It was like the biggest full bodied sigh of relief.  I am back on board for my own delivery.  It feels so good to have a provider who is on my side and believes in my ability to birth.  Her faith in me reminded me to have faith in myself. 

Ch Ch Ch Changes....

As you may or may not have read about in previous posts, I have "talked" about the fact that I deal with some pretty awesome anxiety from time to time being bi polar and all.  I am currently un-medicated as I am 6 1/2 months pregnant.  I have my good days and I have my not so awesome days just like anyone else but I must admit I have handled all the emotions that come along with pregnancy and life a LOT better this time around.  Maybe its all the counseling I have been through in the last year, maybe its just growing up but I feel like I have a much more stable head on my shoulders. 

So I can pretty much go with the flow with most things but randomly I will have a rush of anxiety about how drastically our lives are about to change again.  We are bringing a third baby into the home.  I have NO clothes for this one as I gave everything away thinking we were done.  We dont have a room for her since each child currently has their own room.  Can we financially swing all that goes along with having another baby?  How is breastfeeding going to play out with this one?  Will I  have postpartum depression with this child?  Will I want to work after she is born or will I be too overwhelmed?  And it makes me think- what in the heck were we thinking having another baby?!

I know, Im almost seven months pregnant and its not exactly the most ideal time to think about motivation.  She is coming like it or not in August.  And PLEASE, dont get me wrong, I am thrilled to tears.  Literally.  I cry every time I think that this is the last time I will experience pregnancy.  I am so excited to meet her and hold her and love her earth- side....Im just freaking out.

Motherhood, marriage and pregnancy have taught me a grave lesson that I fight tooth and nail every day of my life.  This lesson is : I AM IN CONTROL OF VERY LITTLE IN MY LIFE.  That's right.  I can not control the actions of my children, husband or really anyone except me.  I cant stop the hissy fits at dinner time.  I cant change my husband from being brutally frugal.  I cant change the fact that our family dynamic as we know it is about to forever change.  And it KILLS me sometimes.  I think that I should be able to control everything and be responsible for it all.  I have to actually let go and let things play out the way they were meant to and trust that it will all be for the best. 

I have a constant internal struggle where I have to tell myself that its OK to surrender.  Surrender to the process, surrender to the outcome and surrender to the emotions tied to it all.  So how is a control freak mommy supposed to surrender?!  I am still figuring this one out.  Its a day to day struggle for me.  Will it every STOP being a struggle?  I hope that as I experience more and grow that I have the opportunity to be more aware, breath and for a lack of a better term, let it be.  (Queue Beetles music)

Co showering

So yesterday I had a friend mention to me that she and her husband had made the decision to stop bathing with their children as they are now 5 and 7.  She said that she had a distinct memory of growing up and seeing her mother put on a bra that she wishes that she didn't remember.  I was a little confused because I still bathe with my nearly 6 year old little girl and I love our bath times.  Yes, she has likened my nipples to sausage (noticing the change in color while pregnant), but I wouldn't change it.  In fact, she asks me plenty of questions in the tub about bodies.  Why do I have hair in places she doesn't?  Why are my boobs bigger than hers.  When will she have to start shaving and wearing deodorant?  I answer them honestly and frankly and move on.

So tonight in the shower she mentioned that she could tell my belly was getting bigger and that she liked how round it was getting.  She asked me a very frank, very five year old question..."Mommy, do YOU like your body?"  As simple as that question is, it kind of took me by surprise.  I responded,"Yes, I love my growing belly because it means your sister is growing and getting big."  And then I turned the question around on her.  "Sophie, do YOU like YOUR body?"  The response was absolutely priceless.  She looked at me all confused and responded "Of coarse mom.  I have legs so I can run and hands so I can eat yummy food."  And yes, there was a silent duh! oh the end of that.  I asked her what else she liked her body and she told me she loved her fingernails because they can be painted and her skin because it keeps her put together and safe.

What a humbling conversation to have with a five year old.  There was no talk of her butt being too big, her calves being disproportionate, her nose sticking out, loose skin on her belly or stretch marks.  It was a gratitude for the job that her body does for her.  A gratitude for the ability to move and eat and enjoy life.  I cant help but to think how much I can learn from that.  I have an amazing experience happening to me right now...I am growing another human being inside of me.  How COOL is that?!  I forget myself how cool that is.  Its an amazing process when you think of all that is involved from conception to the actual arrival of this mini person.  What an amazing function to be grateful for.

I remember having great conversation with my mom in the car.  As a teenager, it was much easier to answer questions without having to make eye contact or even really acknowledge there was another person present.  Well, that is my bath time with Sophie.  Its one of the only places we can talk without being interrupted by the phone ringing or little brothers demanding attention.  Its where she asks me very frank questions about life and makes observations about life that I didn't realize she had.  It reaffirms the bond that I hope will stay strong for a long time to come.  I hope that she looks back and remembers the talks we were having and not the fact that it was traumatizing to see her mom naked.  And if she does?  I will be at peace and laugh and have this memory of awesome conversation in the tub with my daughter.

Wow, I promise this isn't the real me....

I worked in an office environment with my first two pregnancies.  I went to work sick, uncomfortable and hot.  While at work I had to deal with stupid clients and stupid co workers who made equally stupid comments.  (ie- wow, you look ready to pop!, gotta love that pregnancy appetite!, are you sure your not having twins?!)  Those of you who know me know that I tend to be pretty outspoken by nature.  I still try to maintain civility but I will let you know when a boundary has been crossed.  Well, combine the discomfort of the last trimester with my inability to deal with other people's stupidity and let me tell you- it wasn't pretty.  What little bit of a "filter" I had on my mouth was GONE by 32 weeks. 

I actually came back from maternity leave after 8 weeks to have people comment- "Wow, your....nice?!"  The poor things had been hired during my last trimester so they had never known anything that the horrible beast I evolved into in my last trimester.   I felt really horrible after the fact.  I couldn't take back my behavior for the last three months.  I could only try to apologize and make a better impression after the fact.

So guess what?  I'm pregnant again and the lovely third trimester beast has already started to rear its ugly head....and I'm not ACTUALLY in the third trimester yet!  I still have two weeks to go!  I have hit a wall where I want to enter my cavern of solitude.  I don't want to answer the phone, I don't want to leave my house, I don't want to deal with anyone but my own little immediate family and maybe two other people.  I cant even stand extended family at this point!  What is wrong with me?!  I feel like I am taking crazy pills!  And no, telling me repeatedly that I am pregnant and overly sensitive does NOT help.

In my hypnobabies class, we talk about creating a bubble of peace during our pregnancy.  Keeping positivity in and negativity out of our bubble.  I feel like I do a pretty decent job at that until a random stranger at Starbucks asks me if I should REALLY be drinking coffee while pregnant.  That is when my bubble of peace explodes and third trimester beast rears its ugly head.  I think that the best medicine for me is to do what feels right and honor my limits.  I also have to honor the fact that I KNOW that this isn't me and that I wont always be like this. 

I think that I need to take more time to actually be with myself too- to "self care".  I may be in my home, but I need to take more time to actually be in a positive place with myself.  As much as I would love to blame everyone around me for the beast rearing its ugly head....Im the one that has to own my actions and take responsibility for my behavior.  So don't take it personally if you don't see me for a while.  Like at least 15 more weeks.....

Laundry, dishes, dinner....

So part of what I love about my life is also the bane of my existence...ROUTINE.  Having children has made a routine not just a nicety but mandatory.  On any given day, you can find me doing at least a couple loads of laundry, doing dishes, making dinner, picking kids up from school, etc.  I find that I can tell you my routine per day probably ver batum and it doesn't vary from day to day let along from week to week.  I could do my routine in my sleep, while on the phone and holding at least one child.

I find myself reminiscent of the days where we would take off to Village Inn at 11 PM for pancakes because we had the hankering.  Or when we would decide Friday morning that we would take off for a three day excursion to Vegas.  Ah yes, my early twenties.  Before children, a mortgage and puppy came into play.  Things were so much simpler then.  But were they really?

I find that I have romanticized my late teen, early twenties quite a bit.  I remember only the carefree irresponsible fun that I had and I tend to forget how hard that time in my life really was.  How unpredictable things seemed to be....I had no permanent residence, I had no career, I wasn't settled.  I didnt realize how desperately I wanted all of those things.  So I ended up getting married, buying a home, getting pregnant and adopting a Katy all in six months.  There you go- BAM!  I am settled.  No turning back now- huh?!

It took some getting used to- thats for sure.  I also must admit, there were days I fought it tooth and nail.  I didn't want to be grown up!  Its just not as fun.  I find humor in the fact that now the things that I look forward to are trips to McDonald's with the kids and having some decent sunshine so that I can relax in it.  So my friend, my routine, I give.  I surrender to you because there is so much security and love in my routine that I cant imagine going back.  I really do love my life.

Hello?! Is there anybody out there?!

So let me preface this entire entry with the fact that I work from home.  I watch children in my home in addition to my lovely spunky kidos.  So you would think that I would just be too busy to be lonely.  You would think wrong.  It's pretty sad when I KNOW its a solicitor calling and I answer the phone just to hear another adult voice.  I will call my husband at work just to know how delicious his Costco hotdog lunch was.  I will even brave the isles of Walmart with a minimum of four children just to get out of the house. 

I get lonely.  It's true.  Its not that I'm not occupied, entertained or happy....I just get lonely sometimes.  By nature, I have always been a very outgoing person who is not afraid to strike up a conversation with just about anyone.  I love people.  I love hearing about their lives.  I love getting to know people.  I love hearing things about my good friends that I have known for years that I didn't know.  I love to hear about their wins and struggles.  I think that it keeps me grounded in humanity.  The more moms I know and I have the opportunity to get to know, the more I find we are actually all very similar.  We all struggle.  We all have days where we question if we are making the right choices.  We all love our children in an unspeakably deep way and we would do ANYTHING to protect them. 

I am very open and honest about the fact that I am bi polar.  I was diagnosed at the age of 15 with post traumatic stress induced depression.  Despite years and years of therapy and drugs, I struggled.  I struggled with addiction in trying to self medicate in my twenties and finally after the birth of my precious Sophie, a light went on.  I dont get to be crazy.  I am a mother.  I am helping in shaping and molding this precious gift from what ever higher power you believe in.  I no longer have the right to play games with my meds, feel sorry for myself and give into the disease.  So I started with a great psych doctor who played the game with my meds till we found a cocktail with the results we were looking for. 

Amidst my counseling and 12 step programs, I was introduced to a little thing called HALT.  It stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.  These are the four most influential reasons that people start to struggle and ultimately relapse.  I found it very impactful that even in a 12 step program, there was a recognition that loneliness is a real valid thing.  Its not some silly emotion to be ignored.  What a revelation!

So as a stay at home mom of 2+3, I have to make an effort to stay connected to something or someone everyday.  Whether its talking on the phone to a friend, facebook or even writing a quick blog entry- I have to stay in touch.  I have also gotten rid of the guilt that I had associated with that need for so many years.  Why should I feel guilty for reaching out?  Why should I assume that I am inconveniencing someone else?  How do I know that a phone call from a friend isn't exactly what the person on the other end of the line needed?  How do I know that they aren't struggling too?  I don't.  You just might make someones day by reaching out, and there is no way to know until you try it out. 

Pregnancy MUST HAVES

So, like Oprah, I have a list of my favorite things.  In fact, I believe I posted a list in jest a while back.  Now that I am pregnant again, and for the last time, I have found certain things that I cannot function without.  I thought that I would share them.  What are your cant live with-outs??

1- Fold Over Yoga Pants- Never before have I found such comfort in a pair of pants that wasn't necessarily maternity wear.  I love them because they stretch and move with you.  When you are pregnant, I just pull the fold over all the way up to conceal the babe and then after you have the baby, fold down for some extra lower pooch support.  Love, love, love them!  My personal favorite are Old Navy's version.  They are cheap, they wear well and I adore that they come in long length for us leggy gals too!

2- CamelBak Better Bottle- I discovered these wonderful water bottles after my gastric bypass surgery a couple of years ago and I will never stray.  I found it really difficult to drink as much water as I needed to without getting a lot of air in my stomach.  (which is really painful when your stomach doesn't stretch)  These little babies are awesome because they are straw mechanism water bottles but they dont get air in the line.  I ALWAYS drink more through a straw so its easier for me to drink for two while pregnant.

3- Secret Fit Belly Motherhood Maternity Jeans-  I don't know how I EVER survived my last two pregnancies without these jeans.  They are SUPER stretchy, so they accommodate a growing mommy, not just a growing belly.  I love the belly panel.  Its stretchy, thin and it helps support.  I cant say enough awesome things about them.  OH!  And they come in petite and talls too!!

4- Hypnobabies Birth Classes-  I have elected to go natural with this birth and I couldn't be more excited.  I opted to try Hypnobabies after suggestions from more than a couple of friends and online buddies.  I LOVE IT.  Never before have I felt so at peace, confident and excited for my birthing time!  I love the exercises you do at home, its kept me so much more relaxed and comfortable this time around.  I cant say enough good things. 

5- Online Communities of Like Minded Women- Its been really important for me to surround myself with people who feel the same way and support me in my birthing plan.  When you choose something other than the standard experience, you get looked at like you are crazy.  In fact, I couldn't tell you how many people have straight up told me that I'm nuts for going natural.  So it has been really awesome to find online communities and other blogs where you can go for some encouragement and who support your decision.

6- Wendy's Apple Pecan Chicken Salad- Are you kidding me?!  I am pretty sure that you could take just about anything and dip it in Pomegranate Vinaigrette and it would be heavenly.  I couldn't tell you which component of the salad I love the most because they are all so lovely together.  Yes, its $6, but if I am eating out anyway, I would rather get something other than burger and fries. 

7- doTERRA Essential Lavender Oil-  It is so potent and concentrated that you only need a drop to completely relax you.  I love it while meditating/self hypnosis, bath time, massage time, lunch...just kidding, but I really love it!

8- Suave Professional Volumizing Mousse- I got a coupon for a free product from Suave and this is the one that I chose.  First off, having a sensitive pregnancy nose, smell is very important.  I like this because it has a really great fresh citrus scent to it.  It does a great job adding volume and I even use it to scrunch when I am feeling lazy.  The best part?!  Its less than $3!!

9- Lane Bryant Balconette Bra- Being a plus size and chesty gal, SUPPORT is the number one priority.  It doesnt hurt when you can pick up extenders at the same time so in case you flux like I do, you can still wear your awesome bra!  Its also a sweet bonus when you can get it in a ton of cute colors and prints.  Its always nice to have a little something to help you feel a little sexy on those days when your not feeling your best. 

There are plenty more, but these are my faves.  What were or are your faves?  Share and let me know!

Exhaustion

One of the most difficult parts of parenting for me has been the complete and utter lack of sleep.  It started with pregnancy insomnia and the inability to get comfortable to sleep.  Then you have the baby, and we all know how demanding newborns and infants can be between the hours of 9 PM and 6 AM.  Then we have toddler transition, bad dreams, irregular waking patterns, teething, monsters in the closet, and stuffy noses.  I BARELY started to feel like I was actually able to get into a semi normal sleep pattern now that my children are 3 1/2 and 5 1/2....then I got pregnant and the sleep deprivation kicked in all over again.

I must admit that I have the worlds most AWESOME partner who takes most nights for me.  Even when the kids were infants and would take a bottle, Josh was up with them so I could get some sleep.  It saved me in ways that I cant explain.  I dont know if I am wired funny, but there is only so much sleep deprivation that my body and mind can handle.  I seriously will just start crying in the middle of nothing simply because I am SO tired.  (I have done it in public too...) 

You want to make a million dollars fast?!  Invent a way to a- let a mom to feel like 2 hours of sleep is actually 8 and is completely energized without it involving drugs...b- figure out a way to ensure a 8 hour sleep schedule for kids that doesn't involve drugs....or c- have the government pay for wonderful free post pardum doulas for the the first year of life like they do in France.  Where is my 23% in taxes really going anyway?!  I wish you all a great nights sleep or in the very least, a refreshing nap.  I know we could all use one. 

Mothers Day

So Mothers Day is approaching this weekend.  A day to give thanks to the woman who gave birth to you, took you in and raised you, loved you and helped form you into a better person.  The family dynamic that I have is a bit different from the "norm".  (what is norm anymore though)  I was adopted through a closed adoption and have never met my birth mother.  My sister on the other hand was adopted through a family friend in an open adoption.  Our mom, the woman who adopted, raised and loved us, passed away in 2004.  I then took in my sister and raised her from the age of 14.  So when I look at our family dynamic, I have to giggle because I have many women to give thanks to.  Our birth mother and our adoptive mother, and really- each other.  I "raised" Katy, but she made me grow up.

I typically don't try to set my expectations very high when it comes to Mothers Day.  Really, all I want is a day to relax and not have to cook and clean.  (but yet the cooking and the cleaning actually gets done)  When I talk to most of my girlfriends, this is their wish too.  Unfortunately, due to the fact that there are many women to be grateful for in our lives, it causes a day of driving to every single persons home or resting place to visit, chaos with kids sleep schedules and eventually, sheer exhaustion.  Again, I ask the question that I do OH SO OFTEN.  WHY do we do this to ourselves?!  I totally and completely understand wanting to show appreciation to these amazing women.  I understand wanting to show your gratitude in a formal way.  How on earth can everyone win?

I am proposing something a bit unconventional- maybe even a little crazy.  What if we took more time on a daily/weekly/monthly basis to show love and gratitude for those that we love so that when it comes down to the all important day, you do what you can and let the rest go.  What if that means someone doesn't get a visit?  It's ok.  There are these wonderful things called telephones.  They work both ways so that people can effectively communicate.  Google Alexander Grand Bell if you don't believe me.  All of the women that I am grateful for in my life are especially wonderful because they understand what it is to have young children.  They understand what it is to have to plan around late morning melt downs, nap times, potty breaks and frequent snacking.  And if they don't understand?  Well, then it's nothing that I have done wrong or bad- they just don't know better or have forgotten. 

I hope that for Mothers Day, we can all just have the day that we want.  If that involves 24 straight hours of pajamas and no shower or a big fancy dinner- I hope you get it.  If you are blessed to be a mother, enjoy the children that made you one.  If you have yet to become a mother, cut yourself some slack and know it will happen if you want it to.  If you have lost your mother, tell her how much you miss her.  If you have your mother, thank her for the late night hugs and kisses when you woke up with a nightmare.  Thank her for the reassurance about the boy you liked in the eighth grade.  Thank her for believing in you when you graduated from high school.  Thank her for holding your hand and giving you her blessing on your wedding day.  Most of all, thank her for making you the wonderful woman you are today.

Mommy guilt

I have had the lovely trials of mommy guilt since before my little Sophie was even welcomed into this world.  I gained a lot of weight, mostly due to poor eating choices.  But when you have been throwing up non stop for three months and the only thing that sounds good is french fries- I say go for it!  I still had guilt for feeding my growing baby fried potatoes rather than....a banana.  Then she was born.  I struggled with breast feeding for a few months and when the post pardum depression got real bad, I quit.  Thus, adding to the mommy guilt.  Then the six weeks of maternity leave was up and I had to leave her.  Even though I had the worlds greatest daycare provider, the guilt multiplied.  And so I was walking around with a three month old baby already feeling like the worlds biggest failure and worst mother on record.

I am now in a completely different place of my life.  I have two young children and expecting a third.  I am a stay at home daycare provider, so I have the luxury of staying home with my children and a couple more all day, everyday.  Now I experience mommy guilt for completely different reasons.  Because I watch other peoples wonderful kids, I see the mommy guilt when they are dropped off every morning.  I have mommy guilt for letting my kids have an oreo before breakfast.  And as completely excited as we are to welcome a new one into our growing family, I feel guilty that my two older children will feel left out. 

Motherhood is all about finding a balance, and part of that is balancing your mommy guilt.  I am secure that I am home with my kids all day and that they know I'm here for them.  On the other hand, I feel it necessary to try to expand their horizons in as many different ways as possible since they are home all day.  What may be balance for one mom may be completely un-doable for another.  I think the biggest contributing factor to mommy guilt it watching other mommies who appear to have it all together despite harder trials, more children, or seem to make it all appear so very easy.  Why do we do it to ourselves? 

Living in the highest anti-depression prescribed state in the nation makes me wonder do any of us really have it together or is life about just making everyday as good as possible and trying harder then next day?  I feel like turning 30 has liberated me as a mom.  I have become confident in the choices that I make for me and my kids.  I have quit comparing myself to the other seemingly perfect moms that I see all around me.  I quit listening to the criticisms that I hear from "friends" and family.  Doing these three things have made motherhood a much more enjoyable experience for me.  Is this the golden key to happiness?  For me- yeah, it sure helps.  For you or for other people- couldn't tell you.  I just hope that we can all just cut ourselves some slack and remember why we wanted to have kids to begin with. 

Nesting, nesting, nesting....

So the one thing that I LOVE about late second, early third trimester is nesting.  I know that sounds kind of funny though, huh?!  It usually begins with a massive panic attack brought on by the feeling that I have nothing prepared.  I will have a freak out that I have no clothes, (which I dont- I gave them all away), no room, (which is true, but we co-sleep for the first year anyway), no name picked out, (which I THINK we do, I just cant decide if it's right) and an overwhelming feeling of unpreparedness.  The great thing is when I am standing on the other side of all the panic, with a clean kitchen, and feeling like somehow it will all work out.
The other great thing about the post freak out is that I stop and realize how much support I DO have.  How many people around us are more than happy to help, we just need to tell them what we need.  Now, I am quite outspoken and outgoing and generally have no problem talking to people- except when it comes to needing help.  Why is that?  It's really so stupid that I do that.  I end up killing myself with the stress of things when all it would take is a couple of phone calls to make it all go away.  Duh, it really is a no brainer, and yet, I struggle.  I also have a hard time when people spontaneously give to me and my family.  I dont want to accept it, or I feel like its far too much.  (which sometimes it is- SHAR)  I need to learn to let it go and be open to help.  I am usually the first lined up to help someone else, but when the shoe is on the other foot, I freak the crap out.  Dumb.  Really- it is.
I am feeling quite good today.  No braxton hicks, no cramping, and shockingly enough- NO HEADACHES!!  So what is a feeling good mother to do??  CLEAN.  Haha, I have put off really deep cleaning things for so long that it feels really good to wash walls and baseboards.  I still dont think I will be mopping, I think I will leave that for Josh.  I am so grateful that I have a hubby that helps out.  He doesnt always do things the way that I WANT them done or on my time schedule, but he helps.  He will put away clean clothes and dishes, wipe poopy Duncan bums, take out the garbage- and let's be real, thats the stuff I REALLY hate doing anyway.  I will gladly iron and vacuum.  
I really do have an awesome partner.  I like to whine about silly things, but when push comes to shove, no one in the world has got my back like my Josh.  When I decided to go against the grain and have a natural delivery for our third, he was completely on my side and just wanted to know what he could do to support me.  When I decided to quit working out of the home and open our home to other peoples children so that we could make ends meet, he bought me a new car so I could haul children around.  When I decided that I was prepared for gastric bypass surgery and ready to move forward, he helped research the best possible providers and talked to as many people as he could to find out their experience for me.  He just rocks like that.  Now if I could only get him to put the dirty dishes in the SINK, rather than the counter....

I am blessed and I am grateful for all that I have.  I have so much that I could sit here and list them all but it would make for one LONG- A post.  We will save that for another day.