And the heavens align....

What a day.  What a day.  Who knew it was possible to go from feeling so disappointed to so excited in one day.  I have been gearing up for my appointment with my OB/GYN today for about five weeks.  I finally have a firm birth plan.  I have been pretty upfront with my OB since I started in her care in January.  I told her that I wanted a natural delivery.  What exactly that entailed, I wasn't sure.  Little did I understand then that there is a big difference between a "drug free" and "low intervention" delivery. 

In reading and taking classes and in trusting in myself, I know what I want.  I know what I am open to and I know what I am capable of.  Well, fitting my wants into the conventional system is a bit more difficult than I expected.  I knew that there might be some apprehension on the part of my provider but that given my history and my experience there might be some room for understanding and compromise.  What I learned today is that I was wrong.  It makes me sad.  It was completely reaffirmed that what I want and what is in the best interest of myself and my baby just doesn't matter.

It wasn't even the exact words that were spoken that saddened me.  It was the attitude that "you can do what you want to but in the end, WE are in charge- you have no say, we are going to do what we are going to do".  The specific examples of this really aren't worth repeating.  The credit that I will give my provider is that when she could tell that I was upset, she said that she understood the experience I wanted and that she just couldn't ensure that she could give it to me.  At that point she asked me if I wanted a copy of my medical records.  And that was it.  The death of the relationship with my OB/GYN.

I left feeling like I had literally been punched in the stomach.  I couldn't even really cry because I was in shock over the bluntness of the conversation.  I couldn't understand why asking for something outside of drugs and intervention was looked at as crazy or outlandish.  I came home to talk to Josh about the discussion I had just had- and thats when the panic hit me.  Holy crap, I am 27 weeks pregnant with no provider and no one but my hubby and my doula on my side.  What the heck am I supposed to do?! 

That's when my head jumped to the hospitals website.  I had been searching for a specialists for my husband and stumbled across the fact that there was a list of midwives that had privileges at my hospital.  I decided to look them back up and give them a call to see if they would dare take someone on this late in the game.  Not only was she taking new patients but she had an appointment TODAY for a meet and greet.  Well- I took the appointment and called my doula.  Not only did my doula know the midwife I was going to talk with but she said she absolutely adored her and that I would immediately fall in love with her. 

I showed up with my same list of questions that I asked my OB/GYN.  I was locked and loaded and and wasn't ready to settle for anything other than what I wanted.  I was a woman on a mission on the outside and scared little pregnant girl on the inside.  Well, the minute she walked in and sat down, things just clicked.  I explained what brought me in and my situation.  She was AMAZING.  I didn't even have to break out my list of questions.  She answered every single one without me even asking.  It was like she knew what I was feeling and put all my fears to rest.  It was like the biggest full bodied sigh of relief.  I am back on board for my own delivery.  It feels so good to have a provider who is on my side and believes in my ability to birth.  Her faith in me reminded me to have faith in myself.