As you may or may not have read about in previous posts, I have "talked" about the fact that I deal with some pretty awesome anxiety from time to time being bi polar and all. I am currently un-medicated as I am 6 1/2 months pregnant. I have my good days and I have my not so awesome days just like anyone else but I must admit I have handled all the emotions that come along with pregnancy and life a LOT better this time around. Maybe its all the counseling I have been through in the last year, maybe its just growing up but I feel like I have a much more stable head on my shoulders.
So I can pretty much go with the flow with most things but randomly I will have a rush of anxiety about how drastically our lives are about to change again. We are bringing a third baby into the home. I have NO clothes for this one as I gave everything away thinking we were done. We dont have a room for her since each child currently has their own room. Can we financially swing all that goes along with having another baby? How is breastfeeding going to play out with this one? Will I have postpartum depression with this child? Will I want to work after she is born or will I be too overwhelmed? And it makes me think- what in the heck were we thinking having another baby?!
I know, Im almost seven months pregnant and its not exactly the most ideal time to think about motivation. She is coming like it or not in August. And PLEASE, dont get me wrong, I am thrilled to tears. Literally. I cry every time I think that this is the last time I will experience pregnancy. I am so excited to meet her and hold her and love her earth- side....Im just freaking out.
Motherhood, marriage and pregnancy have taught me a grave lesson that I fight tooth and nail every day of my life. This lesson is : I AM IN CONTROL OF VERY LITTLE IN MY LIFE. That's right. I can not control the actions of my children, husband or really anyone except me. I cant stop the hissy fits at dinner time. I cant change my husband from being brutally frugal. I cant change the fact that our family dynamic as we know it is about to forever change. And it KILLS me sometimes. I think that I should be able to control everything and be responsible for it all. I have to actually let go and let things play out the way they were meant to and trust that it will all be for the best.
I have a constant internal struggle where I have to tell myself that its OK to surrender. Surrender to the process, surrender to the outcome and surrender to the emotions tied to it all. So how is a control freak mommy supposed to surrender?! I am still figuring this one out. Its a day to day struggle for me. Will it every STOP being a struggle? I hope that as I experience more and grow that I have the opportunity to be more aware, breath and for a lack of a better term, let it be. (Queue Beetles music)
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