Hello?! Is there anybody out there?!

So let me preface this entire entry with the fact that I work from home.  I watch children in my home in addition to my lovely spunky kidos.  So you would think that I would just be too busy to be lonely.  You would think wrong.  It's pretty sad when I KNOW its a solicitor calling and I answer the phone just to hear another adult voice.  I will call my husband at work just to know how delicious his Costco hotdog lunch was.  I will even brave the isles of Walmart with a minimum of four children just to get out of the house. 

I get lonely.  It's true.  Its not that I'm not occupied, entertained or happy....I just get lonely sometimes.  By nature, I have always been a very outgoing person who is not afraid to strike up a conversation with just about anyone.  I love people.  I love hearing about their lives.  I love getting to know people.  I love hearing things about my good friends that I have known for years that I didn't know.  I love to hear about their wins and struggles.  I think that it keeps me grounded in humanity.  The more moms I know and I have the opportunity to get to know, the more I find we are actually all very similar.  We all struggle.  We all have days where we question if we are making the right choices.  We all love our children in an unspeakably deep way and we would do ANYTHING to protect them. 

I am very open and honest about the fact that I am bi polar.  I was diagnosed at the age of 15 with post traumatic stress induced depression.  Despite years and years of therapy and drugs, I struggled.  I struggled with addiction in trying to self medicate in my twenties and finally after the birth of my precious Sophie, a light went on.  I dont get to be crazy.  I am a mother.  I am helping in shaping and molding this precious gift from what ever higher power you believe in.  I no longer have the right to play games with my meds, feel sorry for myself and give into the disease.  So I started with a great psych doctor who played the game with my meds till we found a cocktail with the results we were looking for. 

Amidst my counseling and 12 step programs, I was introduced to a little thing called HALT.  It stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.  These are the four most influential reasons that people start to struggle and ultimately relapse.  I found it very impactful that even in a 12 step program, there was a recognition that loneliness is a real valid thing.  Its not some silly emotion to be ignored.  What a revelation!

So as a stay at home mom of 2+3, I have to make an effort to stay connected to something or someone everyday.  Whether its talking on the phone to a friend, facebook or even writing a quick blog entry- I have to stay in touch.  I have also gotten rid of the guilt that I had associated with that need for so many years.  Why should I feel guilty for reaching out?  Why should I assume that I am inconveniencing someone else?  How do I know that a phone call from a friend isn't exactly what the person on the other end of the line needed?  How do I know that they aren't struggling too?  I don't.  You just might make someones day by reaching out, and there is no way to know until you try it out.