Five Months to Forever...

So, it has been quite some time since I have checked in and let you all know developments in the life of- ME.  As you all know, my birth family is now a part of my life.  My Mom and Dad came to Utah for eight days and then in June I traveled to Denver for 8 days.  It has been a truly amazing journey.  I guess that its OK to let you all know about my family dynamic a little more.

I have a brother named Ryan.  He is married to Anni, and has Riley 8, Melanie 5 and new little man- Gavin who is 7 weeks old.  Katy says that we are the girl/boy version of each other.  We really get along quite easily.  We share the same sense of humor and a lot of the same personality traits.  He has an amazing capacity to love.  He is very protective and very kind.  He is also a staggering 6 foot 4!  He really is my big brother!  Duncan refers to him as a giant :)

Megan is my middle sister.  She and I couldn't look more different.  She has the most amazing blond ringleted curly hair, and BLUE eyes.  Think Sophie's color blue.  In fact, when I saw a picture of Megan for the first time, I broke out in tears because I FINALLY knew where Sophie's blue eyes came from.  Megan has the most AMAZING heart.  She is more internal than I.  She is very thoughtful and gentle.  She is the most like our Dad both looks and personality wise- and I really look up to her.  She is pretty amazing.

My younger sister is Whitney.  She is married to Trenton.  She and I look the most alike and you can really tell we are sisters :)  She is spunky and uniquely- Whitney.  She makes me laugh SO much.  She reminds me of well- ME when I was 23.  It cracks me up.  I find myself laughing and giggling whenever we are together.

Don't forget the baby of the group- Katy.  She has been called to serve a full time mission to Romania and Moldova and will be leaving August 22nd.  We have been INSANE trying to get all of her preparations completed.  We are having a blast doing lots together before she leaves.  Shopping, temple stuff, vacations-etc.  We are actually leaving this Sunday for a trip to Yellowstone with Katy and her birth family and myself and my birth family.  Isn't that awesome?!  I cant wait!!!

Speaking of temple- we had the most AMAZING experience this weekend.  Katy, Grandpa Richardson, Taunna Vance, Amy Lofgreen, Marcia Mitchell, my Mom Lynn, and Katy's birth Grandmother Reba were all invited to go through for Katy's live ordinance session this weekend.  Though I was not able to attend the service inside the temple, I was absolutely honored to share in the experience.  It was a reminder to me that we are all entwined and we are all connected.

Our family has grown and expanded so greatly in the last few years that sometimes its hard to comprehend.  The temple was the perfect reminder that we are so blessed to have such an amazing family.  Both the ones we were born into and the ones that we were raised with.  It is a beautiful circle that has come around.  I cant wait to sit together with both of my Moms and giggle about what an amazing experience we shared.  I never in a million years dreamed that we would share this in this lifetime.

People have been asking a lot about how me and my birth family are getting along.  The only way that I can explain it is that it really feels like we are just picking up where we left off.  It has been beautiful and easy.  I was worried before my trip to Colorado that I wasn't sure where my place was in the family.  The funny thing is once I got there, I just fit.  Without discussion, without even trying, I just fit.  It was a really surreal experience.  We sat around my first night there with my Mom and Dad, my brother and two sisters and just talked and laughed.  It was so natural and like we had done it a thousand times before.  My sweet Daddy was just a total marshmallow to see all four of his babies all together for the first time.  Shhh, dont tell him I told you so.

I don't have anything earth shattering or crazy to report when it comes to my family because we are just- being us.  I don't know how else to explain it.  We all talk daily.  We all are close in our own ways.  We are a family- in our own unique way.  I have said it before and I will say it again.  Before February, I was not a crying woman.  I didn't cry very easily at all.  Now, I struggle to turn the water works off.  It was almost like I had turned a piece of my heart off and reuniting with my family has engaged that piece once again.

So- our next adventure is Yellowstone!  8 days with our ever expanding family!  I cant wait.  Pictures and stories to come!  Thanks for all of your love, well wishes and support through such an amazing time.  I love you all and I am so grateful for each and every one of you.

The Metamorphosis of Mothers Day

So.....Mothers Day.  Im not gonna lie.  It hasnt always been my favorite thing.   I spent many years crying on it.  The Mother that raised me, Laurel, has a birthday that falls on Mothers Day- as it does on this year....May 13.  Lucky 13.  I have struggled through the change of having a Mom, to being the Mom.  I went through a phase where I thought fanfare would lessen the blow.  It didnt.  I thought that if I simply acted as if it was any other day that it would make the disappointment fade.  It didnt.  The only thing that helped me was time.  That and I recieved the blessing of acceptance.  Once I accepted my reality and quit fighting it, I found peace.

I have not been an advocate of visiting my Mothers grave in the past.  I didn't like the thought of visiting a piece of grass where I knew she wasn't, and feeling sad.  I wanted to do something to celebrate her and remember her without being sad.  It has been a source of contention between Katy and I for many years.  Saturday night we visited the grave together for the first time in six years.  It was beautiful, perfect and happy.  Katy and I sat and reflected on how many blessings and joyous happening have taken place since the last time we sat there together.  We were able to recognize how much we have grown separately and together.  We were able to celebrate our family- and how it means and encompasses SO much more than we could have ever guessed it would have.

I had a great friend of mine speak in church one Mothers Day and he called to ask me what I would speak of if I had the opportunity.  I will never forget our conversation and I will never forget that talk.  So, if you think that your 10 minute talks on Sunday have no bearing on others lives, you are wrong.  The first thing that came to my mind was gratitude.  And no, it wasnt because I wanted acalades for all the hard work that I do the other 364 days of the year.  It was because my mother had past on and I felt that it was important to have gratitude for whatever maternal figure you have- be it a sister, an aunt, a friend- or maybe YOU are the maternal figure.  Be grateful that you can be that figure to someone else or that you have that figure- even if it isnt the conventional MOTHER role.  Its funny, because I wrote about Mothers Day this time last year....(here) I have to smile to see how one short year changes things so immensely.

So circumstances have changed in my life.  I now HAVE a mother....well I guess I always had one- she just found me :)  I have a much deeper gratitude for the mantle of mother now.  I always had a deep reverence and respect for the loving Mother that gave me a life- that gave me the soul and spirit that I have today.  I always knew that she loved me.  I always imagined what she would look like, how she would be, what she would think of me.  I always wondered if there was a burden on her heart on this day because of me or if she felt peace.  I always hoped that she knew I was well....that I was loved, happy, secure and where I was meant to be.  I also had hoped that she would make her way back to me.  She did.

Not in a million years, my wildest dreams or in any other facet of my imagination did I ever imagine that she could be as amazing as she is.  She is not perfect, but she is perfectly HER- and I am SO grateful for that.  I still smile when I pick up the phone and can say- Hey Mom, what are you up to?  It feels so natural, yet so surreal.  It never ceases to amaze me how much God knows our heart.  He knows what we need and when we need it.

I am so beyond blessed to be where I am today.  I know that it is a fleeting moment and it will all change when I wake up tomorrow, but I will relish in it while its here.  Who knows what tomorrow brings, and quite frankly- I'm having too much fun today to worry about tomorrow.

Update on healthy eating!

Hey guys, remember how I told you we are done with the sugar?  I thought that I would do an update to how that is working for the family!  First off- the kids.  The kids have been in total sugar and junk food deprivation.  I got rid of it all at the same time.  The good news is that Duncan was pretty on board from the beginning.  I phrased it that we were all grounded from yucky food- so he could understand it.  He is pretty understanding and pretty on board.  He now asks before he eats anything if its yucky food or good for you food.  I love that.  I love that he is learning food choices in his own 4 year old way.  He is hooked on the high protein yogurt and scrambled egg whites.  Things have been pretty good with him.

Sophia has been pretty on point as well.  She is the best one at the store helping pick out all the vegetables.  We get our weekly veggies- carrots, onion, garlic, sweet potato, celery, green beans or asparagus.  After that, we stand back and look at all the veggies available and pick the ones that look the best.  She LOVES color, so she is always intrigued by the red/yellow/orange peppers and yellow squash.  I love that she is invested in picking the veggies.  I think that its easier to get her to eat them if she helped pick them.

I think the biggest struggle is Josh.  Bless his heart.  He has a pretty simple palette.  He isn't crazy about veggies and isn't very experimental with them.  He tries hard though.  Its hard to get the kids to get excited about trying new things when Daddy isn't crazy about it.  He is trying hard though.  Rather than picking up a two liter of soda (which I cant stand), he picked a packet or orange Kool Aid.  At least I can sweeten it with something other than sugar or cut the sweetness down a bit.  Baby steps....

I have found that my favorite workout videos are by Jillian Michaels.  She is easy to follow and she keeps it simple for us big folks who cant contort like a pretzel.  I have the Biggest Loser Sculpt and the 30 day shred.  I have been pretty diligent about working out.  Lyza's afternoon nap is JUST long enough for me to pop in a DVD.

Results wise....in a week I have dropped about six pounds.  Pretty decent-huh?  I haven't been hungry or cranky.  I actually have had A LOT of energy.  My joints haven't been QUITE as achy.  I have chronic back problems...so yeah.  I always drop a lot of weight in the first week, and then it tapers off- so Im not shocked by the first weeks results.

How are you all doing with your food choices and workouts?  What are you finding that works best for you?  What isnt working?  Let's keep it going guys!!

Getting back in the saddle

Ok, So after a lifelong struggle with weight, I researched and decided that gastric bypass was the right decision for me.  (Please spare me your judgement- I researched, and researched and made a long thought out decision that has forever changed my life for the better.) I had a dietitian do a work up on me taking into account my personal body chemistry.  We found that due to my body hyper producing insulin, I HAVE to stay away from carbs.  My blood sugar struggles to stay consistent without sugar. (and yes I know that there are carbs in vegetables and fruit)  My body turns grains, flours and sugars (duh) into sugar.  I have found that I feel the best when I eat 50% vegetables and fruit and 50% protein.  This is personal to ME.  Consequently,  I dropped an astounding 200 lbs in my first two years.

I have had my struggles with staying on the wagon here and there but I adhere to the core principals of it for the most part.  So I had a baby 7 1/2 months ago.  She is amazing and beautiful and perfect and I am SO glad to have her.  I am still nursing her so I kind of went into dietary free fall.  Nursing makes me hungry ALL THE TIME.  No seriously, every two hours I am hungry.  I only gained 12 lbs when I was pregnant with her and so I left the hospital ALMOST at my pre-preg weight.  Within 8 weeks, I was actually down 12 lbs from my pre-preg weight.  I didnt really watch what I ate while pregnant and got really relaxed about it.

Cut to 8 days ago....

I have put back on 15 lbs.  Yup- FIFTEEN pounds.  I about CHOKED when I got on the scale.  I knew something was up when my jeans were getting tight- and I believe in not looking at the numbers all the time- but 15 lbs?!  Yikes.  Not good my friend, not good at all.

So the Easter Bunny was an evil bastard this year and SPOILED me and the kids like crazy with Hershey Kisses, Crunch Bars and the ever evil- Peanut Butter Cups.  I am pretty sure that I single handedly ate about 2 POUNDS of chocolate.  I also lost it because the kids were refusing to eat, only to find their rooms covered in tin foil and Kisses flags.  They were climbing the refrigerator to find chocolate.  They were clawing each others eyes out over candy.  I got ANGRY.  I took a garbage bag and went through the pantry, everyone's bedroom, closet and any other hiding place I could find and threw out the junk.  ALL OF IT! All the Dorritos, the BBQ Lays, the Cream Soda, the chocolate, jelly beans- ALL OF IT- GONE.

My ass was huge and my kids were huge asses.  That was motivation enough for me.  I was back to eating right and going to get back on the horse!  I don't believe in counting calories.  I believe in food choices and eating whole, real foods.  Foods that contain only one ingredient like- chicken, eggs, fish, asparagus, carrots, nuts.  You know- FOOD.  I grill, roast, steam and poach to my hearts content.  I use LOTS of herbs- they are calorie free and make everything taste good.  I quit drinking soda YEARS ago- but I have replaced it with both black and herbal teas (hot and iced).  I carry a 32 ounce water bottle with me EVERYWHERE.  I drink over a gallon a day.  I DO drink coffee and that is where my indulgence and my bad thing takes place- I use artificial sweetener in my coffee.  Oh well....sue me.

I am back to eating slowly until I am full.  I eat when I am hungry and I NEVER deprive myself.  If I want something sweet- I find a way to make it happen without it being horrible.  I don't believe in cooking two meals- so whatever I eat, the kids eat or a modified version of it.  If its nutritious for me, its good for them too.   I also have chosen to make it an adventure in cooking again.  We are finding new ways to make everyone happy AND healthy.  The kids attitudes have improved and they just know- we are all grounded from sugar.

Its funny though because within two or three days, we all are fine with making different choices.  Even the kids are on board.  No one is crying for pasta or screaming for ice cream.  I know that looking at food as a source of nutrition has really helped in changing the way our family eats.  The kids get excited to choose the veggies and protein for dinner.  When I let them choose what to eat, we all have a better dinner experience.  Take tonight for instance.  Sophie chose ham and egg cups, broccoli and cauliflower and a mashed sweet potato.  That had all of our nutrition covered and it was YUMMY.  No screaming or crying at the dinner table and we all felt GOOD after dinner.

I have three young kids and two daycare children too- so leaving to go to a gym is impossible not to mention- I hate the gym.  I have a treadmill that I LOVE LOVE LOVE but after a while, I get bored.  I decided to go the video route this time.  I have a couple of Jillian Michaels DVDs, a Six Week Body Make Over, Windsor Pillates, Jazzercise, and then I found some stuff on Netflix as well.  I am not looking to drop TONS of weight- maybe 30 lbs.  I guess that is a ton of weight to some of you- but after 200, 30 seems pretty minuscule.    I am also not hyper focused on the scale.  I try to weigh in only once a week or I make myself crazy.

Do it with me!  Lets keep each other motivated and inspired.  Share recipes, share successes, share new workout ideas!  Who's with me??

Everything should be rainbows and unicorn farts...

So recently I have read a lot about people choosing attitudes, eliminating drama, always finding the best in everything, etc.  Sometimes I find myself agreeing and sometimes I don't.  I thought that I might step onto my soapbox for the day- so here we go.  Attitude and happiness are choices- correct.  Is it easy? Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.  I think that it's natural that you aren't always happy and aren't always joyous and over the moon.  I feel like being happy is actually the exception and not the rule.

I remember moving here from Puerto Rico at age 13 and being in total and utter culture shock.  Everyone was beautiful and everyone was happy and hyper all the time.  I was REALLY overwhelmed.  I struggled all through my teenage years feeling like I didn't fit in.  It really had nothing to do with the looks aspect- it was a difference in personality.  People were happy all the time and spouting scripture and cheesy catch phrases about choosing good attitudes...and this was before social media like facebook existed.  I felt like I was doing something wrong that I didn't feel like that.  I also felt like I was being punished by God that my life was tough.  If I had more faith, if I had more friends, if I was doing it right, it would all be perfect- right?!

Skip ahead 10 years...When I chose to be a full time stay at home mom- I experienced a big adjustment period.  I was overwhelmed with everything that was involved with taking care of....EVERYTHING.  I went into this crazy place where I felt like I had to control everything all the time.  I seriously drove myself to drink because of it.  When I went through therapy because of the drinking problem that I developed- I realized all of the pressure that I had put on myself.  You want to know what the secret to my success was? I let myself believe that I was ALREADY perfect. My children were already perfect.  I realized that perfection was not something that I could create or force- it just WAS.  We are wonderful, perfect creatures and the rest- really doesn't matter all that much.  Sometimes good enough is perfect.

When I figured that much out, everything else worked itself out.  Life is not roses all the time.  There are ups and downs, ebbs and flows.  There are times when things will be amazing and wonderful and then there will be times that are down right hard.  Sometimes all it takes for me is to say- "yeah, things are really tough, and basically suck, but it wont always be like this and ITS OK.  I cant control or change the negativity, I can only accept it and try to move forward."  Acknowledging where you are in your journey and trying to go along for the ride is the key to freedom.

I also want to touch on "the secret".  I completely believe in the power of intention.  Where I struggle is that there is an attitude that if all your dreams aren't coming true all the time or if you are having a hard time- that you are doing "the secret" WRONG.  Guess what- your not doing anything wrong, that's just life.  Stop beating yourself up for it!

I get frustrated when I see people pinning or sharing goofy quotes on Facebook or Pinterest that are supposed to be deep and meaningful.  Its spouting messages about the beauty in all things.  Guess what- there is beauty in struggle and beauty in difficulty too.  THAT is where growth happens- when you are being challenged.  I know people mean well by them and that there is no harm in a good reminder sometimes but I wish that there were messages out there that said- It's ok that life sucks today, ride it out, there is always tomorrow.  Where are those messages?  Where are the messages that say- I am grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow because things aren't going the way I think they should go.

Relax, take a deep breath.  What if today you just decided that you were already perfect.  What if you were already whole and complete.  What would you accomplish?  What would change?  What would you give yourself permission to do?

How to make it happen??

So I have wanted to move to Denver for what feels like years.....three actually.  Three years.  After a reunion with the family, I now know- Denver is where I should be.  Yup.  I'm moving to Denver!  Well, hypothetically.  I just need to get out of the last bit of credit card debt, find Josh a job, sell our current house, buy a new house- oh, and pack.  Not necessarily in that order.

I know what I want to do, but if you know me at all, I'm a bit jump the gun happy.  I likes to make moves before I have the logistics figured out.  To some, it may seem inspired- to my husband its impulsive.  I love my life here in Utah but I am ready for a move.  I am ready for a change- and I think Denver could be IT.  I want my kids to be around their cousins.  I want to be around my brother and sisters.  I want to hang out on my Moms couch when I don't feel like making dinner (haha- that was a half joke).  I want to do the things that normal families that live in the same general area do.  So keep your fingers crossed for me dear friends and family.  To Denver- and Beyond!

Im blue daba dee daba di....

So its officially a week since my family left.  I must admit- I have had a hard time with it.  It's hard to feel like I just got them back and then I had to let them go all over again.  We are closer than ever.  We talk or text or facebook at least once a day.  It's all good- I just MISS them.  I have officially started the countdown to my trip in June.  I am taking Lyza since baby flies free right now (and Im nursing, and I have never been separated from her and I would go insane, etc.)  Its 69 days from today in case you were wondering :)

It was hard to get back to "real life" after living what felt like a dream for 8 days.  Its been crazy to hear my kids talk about my family as if they were always in our lives...(Uncle R would buy that for me- why wont you?  Aunt M has the most beautiful hair- you wouldn't believe it.  Aunt W is cute mama, she loves me- huh?!)  It's so awesome to think that they have THREE sets (at least) of grandparents now.  Gotta love kids :)

Here's hoping that this week will be easier.  I know there has to be a balance between missing someone and functioning in real life.  Im just trying to figure that one out.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.  :)

Beauty dont live here anymore...

Oh!  I forgot to post on THIS blog that if you are looking for the beauty "stuff", it has been moved to my new baby project- Budget Beauty Mama!  I have gone all in with it.  Tips, product recommendations, reviews, what's in my bag/ kit, pictures, information on workshops- you name it- I got it!  So mosey on over there if you would like.  You can "like" me on Facebook  or subscribe through Blogger to get all the up to date fun beauty info!  Thanks for your support!!

Love found its way to Utah

So as you all may or may not know, I recently reunited with my birth mother.  (you can click here to find the whole story)  We have been chatting for what seems like a lifetime and arrangements were promptly made for my Mom and Dad to fly out.  I anxiously awaited, cleaned my house from top to bottom, wrote emails, facebook stalked my brother and sisters....you get the idea.  SO- my Mom and Dad flew in on March 16th.  


I got up at 5 AM, got myself ready, got my family all ready and packed up to head to the airport.  My kids had made signs so that Nana and Papa would know who they were- they were very concerned that they wouldn't know :)  Josh drove- thank heavens.  I was super calm and ridiculously excited and not a hint of nerves, until we hit Bangeter Highway.  Everything just hit me all at once- what if, they don't approve of me, what if they don't like me, what if we just don't click at all, what if I don't fit in with their family unit?!  Get the picture?  I was a nervous wreck.


We got to the airport early as planned.  I wanted to make sure that we were on time and that we would be READY for them to step foot on the other side of TSA.  The kids wanted Sour Patch kids and I got a cup of coffee.  I really needed something to feel normal- and evidently coffee was it.  I sat down and tried to keep calm and just focus on the kids.  I kept glancing at the arrival board to see if they had come in yet.  Nothing was changing.  I was getting really anxious.  I made Josh check his watch roughly every 3 seconds.  My sister was there taking photos and attempting to lighten the mood.  Every time she reached over and asked: "aren't you excited?"  I wanted to scream- YES- DUH!  NOW LET ME BE!!  (totally not her fault- I was just a wreck)


I looked up and actually caught my Dad's eye first.  I told Sophie that they were here since she was sitting on my lap....I assume that I gently put her down- but I couldn't really tell you.  I was in shock and a bomb could have gone off and I wouldn't have noticed.  I saw Mom and I couldn't help myself.  I yelled- I'M RUNNING!  Just to give Mom a heads up so I didn't trample her to death.  I reached her and hugged her.  Tears just flowed and we held each other for what felt like an hour.  I'm sure it was only two or three minutes but I was just soaking it all up.  I couldn't let go.  I tried to loosen my grip a couple of times and I just couldn't bring myself to let go.  Finally- we both let go and looked at each other.  All I could muster was- HI.  It was the craziest thing.  If there was any hesitation (which there wasn't) that we were Mother and daughter- it was gone.  There was an overwhelming peaceful feeling that just swept over me.  I KNEW without a doubt 100% that this is just as it was meant to be.


I imagined that we looked alike via pictures but nothing could compare to looking her in the face.  She was magnificent.  We look so much alike that it still catches me off guard.  I then turned to Dad and gave him a huge hug.  I was smitten.  I absolutely without a doubt love my Dad.  He didn't have to say a word- I FELT how much he already loved me.  It was amazing and unlike anything I have ever felt before.  I just stood there and looked at our family and all I could say was- WOW.  


I weakly attempted introductions and Josh took over from there- baggage claim, getting to the car- all of the level headed things.  We headed to my home to spend some time together.  I set about two steps inside of the house and Mom turned around and placed a beautiful opal ring on my finger.  It has four oval opals and two tiny diamonds.  She told me the significance of this ring.  She wore it the entire time she was pregnant with me.  She intended to send it off with me when I was born but a week or so before I was born one of the opals fell out and was lost.  She didn't have the time or money to fix it so she held onto it.  When we reunited she took it in to see if they could fix it and they told her it would take over a month.  They had to find a perfect color match and that would take time.  She explained the situation to them and within a week- Mom was holding my ring seamlessly fixed.  When she slipped it on my hand, it was if it was made JUST for me.  It fits me PERFECTLY.  No need for any sort of alteration. ***(funny side note.  My four year old niece M had told me on the phone: "Nana got you a ring but it's a surprise so I can't tell you about it again"  I had no idea what she was talking about but it all came together and made me laugh even harder when I realized what she meant.)***


I sat and showed Mom the photo album of me growing up that I had made for her and Dad.  The kids showed them pictures that they had made, they played with Papa- it was just like this was the thousandth time they had been over- not the first.  The only thing Duncan wanted on the agenda for Nana and Papa was Happy Donalds.  (McDonalds for those of you who dont speak Duncan)  We went to lunch, talked some more- it was just easy.


Duncan and I took Nana and Papa to Cafe Rio for dinner and took them to their hotel where they stayed for the first night they were out here.  We walked them to their room- and talked some more.  Duncan and I returned home somewhere around 10:30- and you would think I would have collapsed- nope!  I just was so tickled from the days events that I couldn't sleep- and neither could the kids!  We snuggled and laughed (and got in trouble from Daddy).  We just laid there and talked about how wonderful it was to have Nana and Papa here.


From there- we just were.  We would eat when we wanted, go here and there if we wanted and ALWAYS talking.  (I know your shocked....Kristen was talking?!)  We talked about everything from favorite foods to our family dynamics to gospel principals and we were able to re-tell "our story" to each and every person we encountered.  It was so surreal to tell people- "I would like you to meet my Mom and Dad".  I wanted to giggle every time I did.  Each one of the older children got to take Nana and Papa somewhere of their choice.  I wanted to make sure that they felt a part of what was happening.  I also wanted the kids to loosen up and be able to relax and just be themselves.  


One of the highlights of their trip was when me and my parents and Katy and her parents were able to sit in one room and talk.  It was SO awesome to sit and compare stories and feelings.  Our adoptions and our life stories couldn't be more different but the love was exactly the same.  The love that I see in Dennis and Frank's eyes for Katy is EXACTLY the way I see the love from my Mom and Dad.  There is no manual on how to do this- but between the two families (or one LARGE family) I think we are doing pretty ok.  I kept joking that our family tree is starting to resemble a tumble weed.  Its hard to explain how we are all related without drawing a diagram :)


We shopped for Katy's 21 birthday present (which Mom went Hog Wild on!), Mom and Dad picked out little things for each grand-kid.  We just were a family.  It was relaxed and no pressure.  We were able to laugh and talk and drool over things for our home that caught our eye.  ("projects" is a curse word in our home- and now I know where it came from).  Mom and I both have a love for home interiors and making a house a home.  Our taste is very similar too.  I could tell you step by step what we did and where we went but it would probably cause you to snore.  It was just life.  Pure, simple, love filled life.  


Monday night Dad had to return home to Denver.  He had to catch a plane later in the evening to return to his job the next day.  I was expecting the kids to be sad but WOW.  Poor Sophia just lost it.  She was modeling a sweet dress Papa had gotten her and then she found out he had to leave.  I have never seen her so devastated.  She was doing the "I cant catch my breath" cry.  Her only other Grandparents up till now (Jean and Jeff, Arlene and Dave) live less than 5 miles away and have always been around so she was devastated to find out that Nana and Papa live so far away.


Mom and I took Dad to the airport together.  It was so sweet.  Dad was holding Mom's hand, giving her kisses and whispering sweet nothings the entire time he was here.  I cant count the times that he told me- "I sure love your mother".  My heart melted each and every time.  My Dad is this rough and tough manly man who rides his motorcycle and then he turns to a giant marshmallow around his family.  The entire ride to the airport Mom and Dad held hands and told me stories of their newly wed days.  They are still madly in love with each other- after 30 years of marriage.


When we dropped Dad off at the airport I just lost it too.  I LOVE my Dad and he loves the crap out of me too!  We just hugged and cried and we started the countdown to my trip in June.  I was on the fence about taking Lyza with me to Colorado in June, but after seeing Dad with his girls, the decision was made for me.  I HAD to bring her.  Dad would never forgive me if I didn't.  After we left Dad, we went and just did some more life stuff.  Grabbed some dinner, went grocery shopping.  It was so awesome to just BE together.  I had thought of taking them here and there around the valley but then I thought- they came to see US, not the new Nordstrom. 


Later that week Mom clued me in that the two babies weren't acting like themselves, so we made an appointment to take them to the doctors office.  Duncan had the flu and Lyza a sinus infection.  It was awesome just to have my moms support when my kids were sick.  She went to the doctors office with us, she bought the kids juice boxes...you know- NORMAL stuff.  I kept reeling from the simplicity of it all.  I must be honest though- It was a strange and amazing adjustment.  After the death of my parents I had to come to terms with the fact that I would never have that parental relationship again.  I would never have a loving mothers arms around me.  It was my job to BE the mom, not to HAVE the mom.  It was far beyond my wildest dreams to ever have this type of relationship again.  I never could even dream this.  


Mom and I went to Katy's birthday party with Sophie and Mom had the opportunity to meet Katy's birth mom and chat.  It was a really neat experience.  Sophie was castanet dancing around and things just seemed to be as they always were.  Mom decided to head home after the dinner.  She needed to prepare for my big surprise on Friday and needed to do all the packing she could.  The reality that she was leaving in 24 hours hit me hard.  I started bawling in the parking lot.  I felt like I just had gotten her and now I was already giving her away.  It was tough to say goodnight.  


Every one around me knew what my big Friday surprise was- except me.  All I got was- Your going to LOVE it.  I was thinking that my Aunt Juliette was in town, maybe the three of us were going for pedicures or something?!  Then Dad wrote me a sketchy text message about sky diving which confused the crud out of me.  WHAT COULD IT BE?!  I got up, got ready and was still confused as to what the day would bring.


I was nursing Lyza in the front room when Mom showed up Friday morning as normal.  She somewhat hesitated when she arrived which I thought was strange.  She has been walking into my home every morning for a week- why the hesitation now?!  I told her to come on in.  I put my self together and sat the baby up and then the mother of all surprises arrived- My brother R, and my sisters M and W walked in my front door.  I screamed- no really I did. I just kept screaming- Oh my GOSH!, Oh my GOSH!  What are you doing here?!  I was SHOCKED.  I went over and gave hugs and tried to memorize each one of their faces.  I couldn't help but to cry.  


We attempted to snap some pictures but I was completely out of it.  I was reeling!  I NEVER in a thousand years would have imagined my siblings walking in my front door.  We sat down and I just stared- Im sure that they were probably weirded out but I couldnt help it. I wanted to just stare into their faces and keep it in my memory and in my heart.  Mom told me that this was all their idea.  They wanted to ensure that I knew that we were doing this as a family- not just Mom and Dad.  They needed me to know that they were all on board.  


I had told Mom and Dad multiple times throughout the week that I was more nervous to meet my sibs that I was to meet Mom and Dad.  Mom and Dad HAVE to like me- I'm their baby.  My sibs could accept me- but I was really concerned about rocking their boat and family structure.  There is a difference between just accepting someone and LOVING someone.  


They were each just how I imagined them being.  R is an amazing big brother (all 6 foot 4 inches and size 14 shoe of him) and really outgoing and what you see is what you get.  He has two children and one on the way.  Our kids are all about the same age- which is AWESOME.  Its so strange to have a brother who is #1 so much like me and #2 in the same place in life.  I never could have imagined that we would be so much alike.  I was actually told that I am the girl version of R :)


M is just stunning.  She is absolutely beautiful inside and out.  You just feel calm and at ease just being with her.  She is EXACTLY as I pictured her.  She and I look NOTHING alike.  I look exactly like Mom and she is Dads twin.  Her heart and mine couldn't be more alike though.  She is very generous and loving.  She too is very much....just her.  We share the love of books so I lent her a series that I had read hoping that she would enjoy it too.  She is artistic and very much a free spirit.  I was the most worried about her acceptance- but I couldn't have asked for a more perfect sister.


My baby sister W is sheer perfection.  We look the most alike.  I was initally kind of taken a back by her shyness but then I remembered- I can be kind of a lot to take in and our situation is a bit heavy- so that would make anyone a bit shy.  I instantly fell head over heels for her and found myself completely protective of her.  I just wanted to snuggle her to death and never let go.  She instantly took to Lyza.  Lyza instantly took to her.  W let R and M have their turns but then stole her back.  I kept teasing her that it was her turn to have one since R and me have our families completed.  


We went to In and Out Burger as I had teased Ryan that if he would come to Utah, I would buy him an In and Out Burger.  I never thought that he would really come out though.  I am a woman of my word- so I did.  Katy came down to meet everyone too.  It was crazy to sit there and look at all my sibs in one place.  Everyone is so individual and unique, but so loving and all on the same page.  We took pictures much to some's dismay but I needed them.  I knew I would be studying them every day until I saw them again in June.  I need to memorize every curve, line and nuance of those photos.  


We went shopping and just walked around talking to each and everyone.  The shocked feeling started to disappear at that point.  We all have the same sense of humor though I think I am kind of the loud one of the bunch- oops.  We were able to drive all together- just me and my "new" sibs.  I don't think anything could have topped that.  We laughed most the time- no heavy stuff- just laughing and having a good time.


We helped Mom take the car back and get all the final stuff packed for their return trip home.  We laughed more.  We teased each other and it was just as if it had always been this way.  R and Mom were arranging the boarding passes while M and W and I got to just chill and talk.  I touched on a bit of the heavy stuff and just told them how much I love them and how appreciative of them making this move.  I would have made myself crazy with nerves between now and June and now the ice is broken and everyone is on the same page and happy.  I just thanked them for their love and support and fought off tears.  


We had a bite to eat for dinner and I just found myself staring and feeling at peace and at home.  It was like all the pieces to the puzzle just fit.  (though I was missing Dad like CRAZY that day)  There was no drama, there was no weirdness- just love.  We took more pictures :)


Taking everyone to the airport was hard.  I struggled to put one foot in front of the other.  I didn't want to let any of them go back to their "real lives".  I wanted to to kidnap them all and just live in our little happy bubble a little longer.  Hugging everyone goodbye and taking pictures was difficult.  At one point I said- OK I'm keeping it together....no I'm not- and I just started bawling some more.  I saw them off to TSA and took the escalator up.  Snapped a few more pictures and bawled.  and bawled. and bawled.  I was kind of shocked that I made it home in one piece.  At one point I couldn't really see from all my crying.  


I was crying for so many reasons that I couldn't just pick one.  Mainly I was crying because of the miracle in this for everyone.  It's undeniable how perfectly this miracle was facilitated from something other than this world.  The timing was perfect for each one of the people that were involved.  If this even happened a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to handle all of this.  I know my sibs and parents feel the same way.  I felt so blessed and honored to be part of this family unit that is already AMAZING.  I know that God has a plan for me- and its so much bigger and better than I could have ever expected it to be.  


I am beyond grateful for each and everyone around me.  My family, my friends- everyone.  It's amazing to have the support that I do.  I couldn't do it without YOU.  Yes, you- reading this right now.  I am so lucky to have amazing people who love me and are supportive of this miracle in my life.  Thank you, to all of you- on this side of life and the other.  I feel each of you with me in my heart.  I love you. and you. and you.  Thank you.

Influenster!!

So, I promise to come back to my makeup blog later today, I just wanted to let you all know about a fun opportunity that I have!  I was selected as a participant to receive a "Vox Box".  A "Vox Box" is a box full of items from companies who want you to try out their items and give them feedback as part of their market research.  I was selected to receive the "Love Box" and there wasn't any information on what items are coming- so it's a great surprise!  I am supposed to receive it next Wednesday or Thursday so I will keep you guys posted!

Second of all, I wanted to clue you in on a couple of my new favorite websites!!  I ordered some Simple brand shoes for Josh that retail for $75 a pair, for $14.99 at 6PM.com.  They have shoes for the whole family and clothes.  Their shipping is free too!!  The other one I am obsessed with right now is Hautelook.com.  I LOVE their beauty section.  They will have expensive lines like Stila, Urban Decay and Crown Brush for over 50% off!!  Their offers change everyday- so its always something new.  The other one that I am waiting on but that I am obsessed with is HauteFox.com.  Its for us plussies who want something edgy, sexy and fun.  I ordered two shirts for $9.99 a piece!!  I am waiting on the package to arrive so I will let you know what the quality is once I receive my package.

OK, I'm just so excited about some fun online shopping and who doesn't love a good deal?!  Anyway- I shall return later today with a blush, bronzer and contouring piece!  Thanks ladies!!

"Oh she died? Well she deserved it."

OK, So I am totally going to go there.  I am opening a can of worms and I am somewhat scared for the backlash.  I know I have been doing a carefree fun makeup blog but I have really been thinking about this for a while and felt it necessary to touch on it.  Whitney Houston just passed away, before that it was Amy Winehouse, Heath Ledger, Anna Nicole Smith, River Phoenix, Elivs Presley, Marilyn Monroe and Judy Garland.  They all allegedly passed away from addiction.  Some deaths were intentional, some were not.  We can never be sure because, we aren't them.

I bring this up because there has been quite a few posts on social media like facebook and twitter with messages that basically shame the nation for grieving for Whitney Houston's death.  "How dare a state or city put a flag at half mass for her?"  "Why are people shocked, she was a crack head?" "It's all her ex's fault anyway for getting her hooked on drugs".   These statements have made me really sad.  When did we become so calloused that the loss of a human life was brushed off because they lost the battle with a horrible disease?

I know a lot of people who also do not believe that addiction is a disease, that its just poor choices.  I can tell you first hand as a person who has looked addiction straight in the face- that statement is really false.  If a person was healthy in their mind, would they put their life in danger?  If a person was healthy, would they take their own life to escape the demons they are battling?  If a person was healthy, would they steal and hurt and lie to others, bankrupt themselves, prostitute or worse for their drug of choice?  The answer is no.  When you are battling addiction and making horrible decisions, addiction is truly running the show.

Now, before I get clobbered and misunderstood, please understand that I am not justifying or saying that its ok for people to go and do whatever they want just because they are dealing with addiction.  I am just saying that it is obvious that they are not healthy or they wouldn't be putting themselves or those around them in danger in the first place.

I think that its important to remember that people are more than just their problems too.  These celebrities that passed away were someones child, parent, sibling or spouse.  Those that are left are grieving the loss of their family member.  It makes sad to think that their family members have to hear horrible and derogatory remarks while trying to cope and heal.  I guess what I am saying is I wish there was more compassion from people.  Everyone has problems and I for one am grateful that my problems are mine.  Have a little bit of compassion and understanding and respect for others- even if you don't understand their choices.

OK, I am stepping off my soap box once again.  Thanks for "going there" with me :)

Love never fades

So I am thrilled and scared to death to write this post.  This is something life altering and remarkable but that I have been private about.  This subject is beyond near and dear to my heart and I am scared that posting this may change things but I want to document every tiny emotion so I have it always with me.  Let me preface all of this with the fact that I just wrote that my blog had become an online journal of sorts.  I was given a blessing (a patriarchal one for my LDS friends) when I was 14 that told me to journal my life not only for my posterity but for myself.  I am not a good diary keeper and I am not exactly consistent with my blogging but little did I know that this tiny little blog with 9 followers would forever change my life for the better.

Let me start from the beginning.  I am adopted.  I was placed through LDS family services when I was two months old in the loving arms of my parents, Gerald and Laurel Macdonald.  I cant think of a time when I didn't know that I was adopted.  My parents told me from the time I was an infant the story of the loving mother who made my body and gave to to my parents to raise me.  I was adopted back in the 80's where everything was closed and adoption records were sealed.  The details of how I came to be were very sketchy but the only thing that I was told was that my birth mother was a return missionary of the LDS church, she attended BYU and that she made a mistake.  That part was always a little hard for me.  I grew up with the unspoken belief that I was a mistake.  It wasn't until I was a mother myself that I could process through and completely be at peace with the choice of wording.

I grew up in a home with two other adopted siblings.  I also had a few friends who were adopted.  I always felt different from them because I was never angry.  I didn't grow up being angry with a mythical mother figure who discarded me or gave me away.  I have always been at peace and have always felt that I was where I was supposed to be.  Make no mistake- I was always curious who this woman was.  Did she think of me?  Did she know anything about me?  Did she want to know me?  I was always curious but I also knew that if I were to pursue the dream of seeking her out that in a way it would devastate my parents and I never wanted to disappoint them.  I knew from a very early age that if I were ever to find my birth parents, I would have to wait until after my parents passed away.  Unfortunately, the day where my parents passed away came much, much earlier that I ever imagined it would.  My father passed away from complications of cancer in 1998 and my mother died from complications after an accident in 2004.

A year or so after my mother passed away I made the decision that it was time for me to seek out my birth mother.  I did a lot of investigating through hospital records, just trying to find a name.  I contacted the agency I was adopted through looking for any information.  I went as far as to try to hire a private investigator to locate my birth parents.  After an interview, I was told that because of the adoption laws back then, it was going to take a court injunction to have my records opened and that the likeliness of a judge granting it was slim to none unless it was a life threatening medical reason.  He told me that the best bet I had at this point was to go online to some of the various adoptee registries and put my information out there. That way, if they were looking for me, they could find me.  I was told that it was a total needle in a haystack situation as there are hundreds and hundreds of places to register.

Eight years passed along with no thought of the registry and really no hope that my dreams would come to fruition.  I went through a lot of therapy in those years and I came to an amazing place within myself where I feel complete and whole.  I wasn't looking for anyone else to fill a void for me or complete me.

So cut to Thursday February 9th at 3:57 PM.  I had just gotten Sophie from school, got the kids a snack and sat down to nurse Lyza when my phone rang.  I cant explain in words what happened to me.  My hands went numb and I felt like I needed to answer the phone.  I didn't know the number but I recognized that it was a Colorado phone number.  I fought myself and finally I decided to let the answering machine get it.  I figured if someone wanted to really get a hold of me- they could leave a message.  The message transcribed was- "Hi this is Lynn and Im looking for Kristen Parsons.  My number is XXXXXXXX and I live in Denver, Colorado and I would like to talk to Kristen."  I dont know how- but I knew it was my mother.  Shaking, I picked up my phone and redialed the phone number.  Lynn answered the phone and I told her that I am Kristen and that I missed a phone call from her.  Her response was: I dont know how to say this....(long pause) and before she could say anything else- I blurted out- "are you my mother?"  She responded that she thought that she was.

She asked me my birthday and asked if I was adopted through LDS family services.  I said yes, yes, yes and wept.  All I could say over and over and over was- Oh my God. Oh my God.  She started out with explaining how a day hasn't gone by without thinking and loving me.  She explained her reasons for giving me up for adoption and wanted to make it clear that she was not a teenage floosie and told me the story of how I came to be (which is extreamly private and I am not willing to post here.)  It matched ver batum the story I was told from the time I was young.

We sat and talked for over two hours.  She explained that she had found me through that needle in a haystack registry.  SUPER long story shorter- she found my blog.  She found my online journal and was able to read it and learn about me.  She was able to see a picture of me and knew without a doubt that I was hers.  I cant really tell you the specifics of our conversation because I was in shock and not really with it.  I learned that I have three siblings.  I want to give them the respect of not opening them up to my online world so I will not go into detail about them.  I will say that I found them on facebook and could not stop looking through pictures.  I look like my mom.  A LOT.  I was shocked because I have never looked like anyone- ever!  My children were the first genetic relatives that I have ever known.

I am still in a state of shock, amazement, gratitude and overwhelmingly- LOVE.  My mother wrote the words "love never fades" on her facebook status.  Truer words have never been spoken.  I am completely overwhelmed right now with all of the emotions and I am trying to process and digest all of this.  I found out a few years ago from my Aunt that my mother and her spoke before she passed away about the desire for me to find my birth mother.  I truly believe that she facilitated this from the other side.  Miracles do happen and prayers really are answered.  I look forward to the future and I look forward to getting to know the woman who brought me into this world.  I look forward to my family expanding and for my children to get to know her.

The one thing that I ask, beg and plea is that my friends and more importantly, my family can give me the respect and space to get through this- and in my own way.  I am overwhelmed trying to process this on my own, let along help others through this.  I know those around me love and support me but I do need a bit of time to digest.  Please, please, please be respectful of my birth family and their feelings- and please don't inform me how I need to feel and how to process.  Thank you all for your love, respect and support.

OK, I lied

OK, so my last post was all about setting goals and keeping on task on my blog- then the sun rose the next day. I just wanted to share a dumb little thing that I tried and LOVED!  OK, so I bake.  I enjoy baking for the most part but there are parts that make me bonkers.  Like when a cake sticks to the pan- so you line it with parchment to keep it from sticking...but then you have to bust out the scissors and cut a circle out...and that's time consuming and for some reason- I SUCK at cutting something perfectly.  SO- I was baking a 8'' coffee cake for my sweetheart and I vaguely remember someone saying that they ran out of parchment so they used coffee filters instead.  Well- I flattened one out and low and behold- it fit perfectly for an 8'' round pan!  No cutting!  Not to mention my lovely coffee cake turned out like heaven!  So do yourself a favor and pick up a pack of plain coffee filters to make your baking life easier :)  xoxo- Kristen

Focus, Focus, Focus

So I have been reading quite a few different blogs lately and I have had the chance to interact with a few fellow bloggers and they question has been asked more than a few times- what is YOUR blog about.  I attempt to explain that its about my life.  Its about things that I love, whether that is about my kids, funny stories, changes and events in our life- things that make my life easier-you know- LIFE.  I get kind of funny looks and get told that its more of an online diary that I am keeping and not necessarily a BLOG that I am keeping.  SO- I decided to FOCUS.  Have one main theme and focus.  I have touched on my birth stories, motherhood, etc.  I have talked about my struggle with addiction and bi polar syndrome.  I have touched on my struggle with weight loss and my journey after having a gastric bypass.
I am not one for New Years Resolutions.  I think that its another way that we set ourselves up to fail and then beat ourselves up for.  I believe in making goals- but keeping them attainable and realistic.  I believe goals are there to be something that we work towards whether its's over the coarse of a few weeks, a few months, a few years, or a lifetime.  SO let me share a few goals with you that are internal, monetary, external, spiritual and for my children.
My goals for the months of February and March:
I will start back in a fitness routine a minimum of three days a week.  I will incorporate cardio and resistance training.
I will use my tax returns to eliminate the bulk of my credit card debt and make a plan to eliminate the remaining balance.
I will find a quiet moment for myself each day.  If only for five minutes- and relish in them.
I will read one book cover to cover.  (this one is a lot harder than one might think for me)
I will set aside time once a week to spend with each child and my husband to make sure that they know how special they are to me.
I will NOT cut my hair.  ( I want bra strap length hair and I keep getting tempted to cut it )
I will update my blog with updates on how my goals are coming along.

Phew....that's a lot (for me).  SO, I want feedback.  Are you resolution people?  Do you stick to them?  What works for you and what doesn't work?  What are your goals?  Do you want to do an accountability thing where we all check in together?  Make a goal "club"?  Love you all and I cant wait to hear back from you!  XOXO- Kristen