So one of my greatest friends that I have known over half my life found her way to my blog last night. She dropped me a message and mentioned that she knew that I had a newborn since I haven't blogged since her birth. To be honest- my brain hadn't even registered that fact until someone else brought it to my attention. I figured today was the best mommy day possible to attempt an entry. My two oldest are sick, my hubby is sick...so that means it just me and my sweet baby Lyza hanging out together.
Motherhood the third time around has been such a different experience. I don't know if its because I know that this is my last go around, because I have the experience of parenting other children or just because I am older (so much older) and dare I say wiser? I think back to my parenting style with my first and I get the biggest laugh thinking about it. I really thought that I could control EVERYTHING and I tried really damn hard too. I kept the log of how much she ate, when she ate, when she slept, when she sneezed...the whole tamale. I was so focused on trying to control everything that I lost perspective and I didn't have fun with it. I also dealt with A LOT of post pardom depression and it took about a year for me to get my wits about me again.
In the 18 months between the birth of Sophie and the conception of Duncan I had two really devastating miscarriages and I was really struggling with my weight. I ended up getting pregnant with Duncan in March and I was in shock that I was actually pregnant because I felt AWESOME! I never got sick, never gained weight, I had energy the whole time. It was by far my easiest pregnancy. I have blogged about the birth trauma that I experienced with his delivery so I wont rehash that.
So anyway- I have LOVED being a mommy to this little one. I love that I stay home full time. I love that I get to nurse on demand. I love everything about this little gal of mine. I am enjoying every laugh, every smile, every tender heart warming moment with her. Its so wonderful to feel complete with my family unit. I feel like now that we have her here we can move onto a different chapter of our lives. No more pregnancies to plan around. We can focus on raising the three wonderful chitlins we have been blessed with and start making plans for our future. Now how to convince Josh we need a bigger house....
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
Lyza's Birth Story
I should begin by saying that this little one has been a total and utter surprise since day one. We found out that we were pregnant the second week in December against all odds. We were in shock but thrilled. We had a pretty uneventful pregnancy with the exception of a few minor hiccups here and there. (Speaking of hiccups- this little one had them a dozen times a day from the day she was conceived!) I enjoyed her pregnancy so much and really cherished this one as it was our last experience with pregnancy. It brings tears to my eyes as I type thinking back on how much I loved this little monkey before we even got to meet.
My “due date” was August 26, 2011. I have a history of post date births and so we weren’t at all expecting her to arrive before September. As our due date approached, I began with pretty intense early labor. I had lots of contractions, I lost mucus plug and other signs that pointed in the direction that she was on her way starting at 38 weeks. Needless to say, she was NOT early. In fact, with all of the early labor I had begun to doubt that I would EVER know if I was really in labor. I would go hours in what felt like very real labor and then it would just stop. My family felt like I was crying wolf. I started to feel like it too. I was starting to feel guilty for “wasting” people’s time and I was getting a lot of crap from family and friends about it. I started joking that I wouldn’t bother to call anyone until I saw her head coming out....oh I will learn to laugh at that later on.
My 40 week appointment came and I opted to get a cervical check done since I had avoided them up to that point. I was already dilated to a 3+ and 80% effaced! I was in shock! I had NEVER progressed like that on my own with my other two babies. So we sat out the weekend thinking baby was eminent. I continued to have hours of contractions that never really got more intense and never got close together, so I ignored them. Josh went to work Monday, no baby. Tuesday I had little to no contracting and actually felt quite fine. I started getting concerned that I was getting closer to the ever present 42 week mark and that I was going to have to be induced. I just had to keep telling myself that Lyza would choose her birthday when she was good and ready.
Wednesday the 31st came early at 2:30 AM. I woke up to contractions that were quite uncomfortable and that I couldn’t sleep through. I got up and moved downstairs to try to find a better position. I basically sat up and breathed through contractions all morning all the while watching horrible infomercials. Josh left for work and I warned him I might be calling him to come home. Sure enough, a couple of hours after he left, I called him panicked that contractions were coming closer and more intense. He dropped everything and rushed home. Once he got home, I decided to try to relax and see if any change occurred. Contractions stayed the same and finally, after 12 hours of exhaustion, they started to pitter out. I called my midwife and she suggested sleep and to see if things progress from there. I went to bed around 11.
Like clockwork 2 AM rolled around on the first of September and I was having contractions again. These were different. They were only 30-45 seconds long but wow- they were intense. I tried to just keep as relaxed and calm as possible. I was able to pass out in between them and slept on and off until 8. I woke up with more bloody show and called my midwife. Contractions were not longer than 45 seconds and they were far from regular. They were anywhere from 6 to 12 minutes apart. They were intense but nothing earth shattering. Because things were not seeming to progress, I just told my midwife that I would plan on seeing her at 4 for my 41 week appointment. This was the first time that I had considered an intervention and wanted her to break my water. I actually told Josh that day that I knew that if my water just broke that she would fly right out because I could FEEL how far along progressed I was. I knew I was probably dilated to at least a 6 or a 7.
I made lunch for me and the family all the while having to take periodic breaks to breathe through contractions. They were inconvenient and uncomfortable but nothing excruciating. At 1 PM, I sat down and had three contractions in 10 minutes. I thought to myself – that’s weird and I don’t feel so hot. I went upstairs to use the bathroom thinking that I had just eaten too much or that the coffee I had with my breakfast was irritating my stomach. I sat down to do my business and had the mother of all contractions- in fact it was like having two at a time. I started to shake and wanted to crawl out of my skin. And then my water popped. I screamed for Josh to get the phone and start our phone tree of support and to get ready to head to the hospital. He made it through calling our doula and my sister before I started screaming. Josh tried to get me up and down stairs to the car. It was then that the thought hit me- oh crap- THIS IS TRANSITION. I just yelled at him to help me get my pants off because there was no way that I was going ANYWHERE.
He asked who to call next and I told him 911. I kind of went into this strange tranze at this point where I KNEW I had to calm down and relax but my body was running the show. It was at this moment while Josh was repeating our address for what felt like the 20th time that I felt her crown. I reached down and touched what I thought was her head. I screamed for Josh to look and he confirmed it. It took all of 8 steps round trip to grab a towel from the hallway and by the time he returned, Lyza’s head was completely out. I remember holding her head and thinking that this couldn’t really be happening. I was in a full squatting position on the floor- one arm on the toilet, the other on the side of the bathtub.
My body gave me a whopping 2 minute break before the next contraction started and without even pushing, her body shot out. Josh caught her in his arms mid air. He handed her to me since he was still on the phone with 911. Her cord was so short that I couldn’t really even pull her up to my chest. She was so calm- it was crazy. She coughed, and squinted and let out a little squeal and that was about it. She just sat and stared at us. So we sat and stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity and let the total shock of what had just happened wash over us. WE JUST HAD A BABY. ALONE. IN OUR BATHROOM. AT HOME?! All I remember saying is – “We did it! Just the two of us babe!”
Duncan peeked his head in the bathroom and asked if the baby was out. Oh yeah Duncan is home! I guess he had been trying to peek his head in to see what all the screaming was about and Josh tried to keep him out because of all the blood. I told him that he had a new sister. At that moment, the EMTs came in and Duncan ran to the top of the stairs yelling-“ I have a new sister, come and see!”
Somewhere in the mix of all of this the 911 operator was instructing Josh to find some string or dental floss to tie off the cord. He ran and grabbed the floss and I still get a kick out of this...among all of this chaos, he remembered to tell the operator that we wanted to wait until the cord stopped pulsing before we tied it off. How awesome is that?! I thought that was SO cute and so awesome that all these months of prepping for an intervention free and natural birth experience had actually sunken in with him. My heart swelled with love for him in that moment.
The EMTs came in and cut the cord and started all the routine tests to ensure she was safe. Sure enough, everything was awesome. The EMTs got me off the floor- after much instruction from ME on how to do so. How many male EMTs does it take to get a woman off the floor….the answer was six. One to listen to me bark orders and follow them, the other 5 to stand around and play with their gadgets and crack really dumb jokes. I had to laugh that I felt like I was the only one with my wits about me and I had just delivered a baby. Oh well…
They had to take me downstairs in a gurney because I had lost a LOT of blood at this point and I was in no condition to walk. Miss Lyza was downstairs pooping for the second time and being checked for heart rate and saturation levels. She was perfect, perfect, perfect. They strapped her in with me on the gurney and placed me in the back of the ambulance. I remember looking at Josh outside while they were lifting me in and loving him more in that moment than I swear I ever had. He was white as a sheet and obviously in shock but I had to laugh because he STILL had a level head on his shoulders and was on top of everything….which is SO Josh.
They transported us to Riverton Hospital which is only about 3 miles away from our house. I asked if she could breastfeed and the EMT was totally fine with it. I didn’t even have to move her. The second she smelled that boobie- she was off on the hunt! It was hilarious! She was rooting around and practically positioned herself to latch. It was a perfect latch from the first time! The EMT commented that his wife would hate me and I had to tell him that this was the first time ANY of my kids did anything like that!
We got to the ER and that was when either I went into total shock or the humor of the situation hit me the hardest. We arrived to a hallway FULL of medical staff and I started to laugh uncontrollably. All these people for just the two of us? We were fine! They took Lyza across the room to a barrage of about 10 people. They put her under all of these machines and hooked her up to heart monitors and stuff. I was on the other side of the room just hanging out answering questions about how this happened. Not because they wanted or needed to know any medical information, they were just curious.
The ER doc informed me that I couldn’t be admitted to Labor and Delivery since I had already delivered and so we would have to have any procedures done in the ER and then transferred to Mom and Me for recovery. My midwife had been notified but she was actually in the middle of another birth at Jordan Valley 20 minutes away. The ER doc said that I would need some stitches but that he would prefer to have my midwife take care of all of my work. I was fine with that. It took about an hour and half for her to get to see me. I tore in a lovely star pattern but all three tears were only a first degree which meant that they weren’t deep but gosh dang did they sting.
We spent 24 hours in recovery mainly because I had hemorrhaged pretty badly and I was pretty anemic. I didn’t have to have blood administered but I was really weak. I’m grateful that the nurses had the foresight not to let me use the bathroom by myself the first time. I kept telling her that I was fine. I felt fine- until I got the horrible echoing hearing and tunnel vision thing. She helped me back in bed and that’s when I decided maybe she was right and that I should take it a bit easier.
I spent 9 months planning this really special, natural birth. I wanted it just so- aromatherapy, my doula, candlelight. The funny thing is that I didn’t get it- I got something SO much better. I got to have an experience with my husband that I will never forget and has brought us so much closer. The two of us alone created her and the two of us alone brought her into this world. Can you ask for anything more special?
Its funny because now that the dust has settled a bit and the story of Lyza’s birth has gotten out, we have been asked a few questions that make me laugh. Did it hurt? In the moment, the LAST thing on my mind was a pain level. All my body and brain could focus on was getting her here. The physical pain wasn’t even a thought. Not to mention, adrenaline and endorphins are funny little boogers aren’t they. The second question I hear a lot is- Weren’t you scared? No. I wasn’t. Once I actually realized what the situation was there was no fear and no doubt. I knew that we could do this and I knew our baby was safe and I was more confident in that moment than I can explain.
There is a blog that I read my whole pregnancy that was titled Birth Without Fear. I always kind of laughed the titled off and thought to myself, there has got to be a LITTLE bit of fear- there are a million things that could go wrong. And yes- there are a million things that COULD go wrong but all I know is that in that moment- I was completely fearless, strong and capable. I DID birth without fear and it was awesome.
Friday, June 17, 2011
I play favorites....
So I have been blessed with a sweet, loving, emotionally sensitive almost six year old girl and a crazy, rambunctious, and fearless little three and a half year old boy. I am SO blessed to have them and I am grateful for them both. They teach me lessons everyday that I would never be able to learn without them. They fill my heart with love, joy and gratitude for this life. Do I love them both? With every fiber of my being. Do I love them differently? Yes. Do I have a favorite? Yes.
I know, I know, what a horrible thing to say and I should never ever let my kids hear me say that, but its true. Its funny because they are SO completely different. Sophie is so gentle, loves to learn, wants to please EVERYONE. Duncan is so funny, easy going and energetic. Sophie was blessed with her daddy's sweet temperament and Duncan is a bit more on the spontaneous side like his mommy. Sophie has always been more independent and head strong. She wanted to learn everything immediately, and did. Duncan has always needed me more. Even at three and a half, he struggles to nap without mommy rocking him to sleep.
So in poor parenting fashion, I admit to myself and the world, my son is my favorite. He and I have a different connection. He is far more my personality and I feel better equipped to parent him. I know when to just let him be and when to push him. I feel more at ease parenting Duncan because its a perfect mini me, and I get me. Sophie is a tough one for me. I have to be very careful about how to give feed back or risk breaking her heart. I cant tell you how hard it is for me to watch her sob uncontrollably over me asking her to put away her shoes. Part of me wants to shake her and tell her to toughen up while the other part of me just melts and wants to tell her its all ok.
Sophie is 100% girl in a way that I never was allowed to be. You see, I was raised as a southern bell beauty queen and we were trained from the time we were born how to behave. So I really was never allowed to be sensitive and teary. I was always told to have a stiff upper lip and hold your head high- so I did. Its hard because the same part of what makes me crazy about Sophie's sensitivity is the thing that I treasure the most about her. There aren't enough truly sensitive, loving people in the world any more. But to be honest, I struggle. I struggle to feel like I am meeting her needs and parenting her in a fashion that works. I feel lost a lot of the time because I don't know what is right- for HER and it breaks my heart.
As a parent, the thought of failing your child in any way, shape or form can be devastating. Don't get me wrong, we have our awesome days where we are so in sync and so connected that it reminds me that I cant be doing THAT horrible of a job. I also have days that I have just laid in bed crying wondering how to move forward and why parenting a beautiful little girl could be so hard for me. Part of it is that I connect well with people in general very well. I can get along with most anyone. So why on earth is it so difficult for me to connect with the one little girl I want so desperately to?
I know that all I can do is take it one day at a time and make the most out of every experience that I can. I know that I have to eventually cut myself some slack and understand that sometimes she is JUST going to be upset and that there is nothing I can do about it. I also have to remember to take all of those small moments to praise and reinforce her, love and snuggle her and to keep the lines of communication as open as possible. I love being a mom and I hope and pray that I am doing the best job I can to raise happy and healthy kids.
I know, I know, what a horrible thing to say and I should never ever let my kids hear me say that, but its true. Its funny because they are SO completely different. Sophie is so gentle, loves to learn, wants to please EVERYONE. Duncan is so funny, easy going and energetic. Sophie was blessed with her daddy's sweet temperament and Duncan is a bit more on the spontaneous side like his mommy. Sophie has always been more independent and head strong. She wanted to learn everything immediately, and did. Duncan has always needed me more. Even at three and a half, he struggles to nap without mommy rocking him to sleep.
So in poor parenting fashion, I admit to myself and the world, my son is my favorite. He and I have a different connection. He is far more my personality and I feel better equipped to parent him. I know when to just let him be and when to push him. I feel more at ease parenting Duncan because its a perfect mini me, and I get me. Sophie is a tough one for me. I have to be very careful about how to give feed back or risk breaking her heart. I cant tell you how hard it is for me to watch her sob uncontrollably over me asking her to put away her shoes. Part of me wants to shake her and tell her to toughen up while the other part of me just melts and wants to tell her its all ok.
Sophie is 100% girl in a way that I never was allowed to be. You see, I was raised as a southern bell beauty queen and we were trained from the time we were born how to behave. So I really was never allowed to be sensitive and teary. I was always told to have a stiff upper lip and hold your head high- so I did. Its hard because the same part of what makes me crazy about Sophie's sensitivity is the thing that I treasure the most about her. There aren't enough truly sensitive, loving people in the world any more. But to be honest, I struggle. I struggle to feel like I am meeting her needs and parenting her in a fashion that works. I feel lost a lot of the time because I don't know what is right- for HER and it breaks my heart.
As a parent, the thought of failing your child in any way, shape or form can be devastating. Don't get me wrong, we have our awesome days where we are so in sync and so connected that it reminds me that I cant be doing THAT horrible of a job. I also have days that I have just laid in bed crying wondering how to move forward and why parenting a beautiful little girl could be so hard for me. Part of it is that I connect well with people in general very well. I can get along with most anyone. So why on earth is it so difficult for me to connect with the one little girl I want so desperately to?
I know that all I can do is take it one day at a time and make the most out of every experience that I can. I know that I have to eventually cut myself some slack and understand that sometimes she is JUST going to be upset and that there is nothing I can do about it. I also have to remember to take all of those small moments to praise and reinforce her, love and snuggle her and to keep the lines of communication as open as possible. I love being a mom and I hope and pray that I am doing the best job I can to raise happy and healthy kids.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Ah, the love of a good friend...
My very best friend from high school is flying in town tomorrow to celebrate her 31st birthday. We have known each other since we were 15. I am SO excited to see her and be able to spend time with her that doesn't involve a long distance bill. We haven't gotten together for probably three or four years now. She lives in Texas and I live in Utah, so road trips are somewhat out of the question and flying is expensive and require time off of work and childcare.
The thing that I LOVE about N is that no matter what craziness is going on in each others lives, we can pick up where we left off and its like nothing ever happened. She supports me in everything that I have ever chosen and is one of the most dependable, loving and honest people I know. I hate to brag that I have the greatest bestie ever- but its true.
The reason for me bringing this up is that I have found myself very sensitive to comments and perceived criticism during this pregnancy. I have had quite a few friends, family member and neighbors make comments that have really stung. I was told by one person that I'm not a "real mom" because I choose to do daycare out of my home. I had another tell me that she was shocked that I would have another baby with all of "my problems". I know that they were not meant to hurt or offend, but it did. I also know that these kinds of comments would not normally piss me off but in a heightened emotional state, I cant help myself.
It has been a god sent to have that ONE person who wont tell me that I am being crazy and to quit being so sensitive. Its been beautiful to have someone who is always in my corner and even in the middle of hormone meltdowns can remind me that its all ok. Now dont get me wrong, my husband is fantastic but its something else completely to have a woman who has been through pregnancy understand what you are going through. Josh is the greatest but he cant ever really identify and part of me suspects that he still thinks a part of me last lost it when I whine.
I am honored and cherish my friendship with N so much and I am blessed that I have that one person who I can always call. Who has got your back, not just in pregnancy but in life? Is it a mother, sister, neighbor or a friend? Who ever it is, give them a hug, a high five or a phone call and let them know how appreciative you are of them. Let them know how much it means to you to have such wonderful angels on earth.
The thing that I LOVE about N is that no matter what craziness is going on in each others lives, we can pick up where we left off and its like nothing ever happened. She supports me in everything that I have ever chosen and is one of the most dependable, loving and honest people I know. I hate to brag that I have the greatest bestie ever- but its true.
The reason for me bringing this up is that I have found myself very sensitive to comments and perceived criticism during this pregnancy. I have had quite a few friends, family member and neighbors make comments that have really stung. I was told by one person that I'm not a "real mom" because I choose to do daycare out of my home. I had another tell me that she was shocked that I would have another baby with all of "my problems". I know that they were not meant to hurt or offend, but it did. I also know that these kinds of comments would not normally piss me off but in a heightened emotional state, I cant help myself.
It has been a god sent to have that ONE person who wont tell me that I am being crazy and to quit being so sensitive. Its been beautiful to have someone who is always in my corner and even in the middle of hormone meltdowns can remind me that its all ok. Now dont get me wrong, my husband is fantastic but its something else completely to have a woman who has been through pregnancy understand what you are going through. Josh is the greatest but he cant ever really identify and part of me suspects that he still thinks a part of me last lost it when I whine.
I am honored and cherish my friendship with N so much and I am blessed that I have that one person who I can always call. Who has got your back, not just in pregnancy but in life? Is it a mother, sister, neighbor or a friend? Who ever it is, give them a hug, a high five or a phone call and let them know how appreciative you are of them. Let them know how much it means to you to have such wonderful angels on earth.
Monday, June 6, 2011
And this is why I dont watch television...
I used to be quite the television watcher until about two years ago. I LOVED all things "reality" and crazy like that. In the last two years it just feels like there aren't enough hours in the day to actually sit and watch a program for one hour, let along watch it uninterrupted by the chitlins. Well tonight I was feeling overly tired and especially crampy so I laid down in bed and turned on the television just in time to catch the latest season of the Bachelorette. I don't really watch this show except in spurts here and there when I recall that its on. I say this because maybe there is more to the story than what I caught in the hour or two that I watched this evening.
I watched as a "gentleman" from the same area that I live in lead a girl on and laughed about it to the camera. He was crude and hurtful behind her back and prince charming to her face. It was HORRIBLE to watch. I cant imagine how hurt and upset this poor girl is. I cant imagine having that done to me on national television and then having to watch it all over again when it airs. It made me really stop and think, what the heck is wrong with people? Why is it ok for this guy to leave his daughter and his responsibilities at home with no other intention than to go on television and hurt someone. What part of this entire idea was appealing or justified?
Again, I don't watch the show so maybe I missed something. I just cant imagine something that I missed that would justify such deplorable behavior. Why is this kind of thing allowed to take place in the sake of "entertainment"? I saw nothing entertaining or amusing in this poor girl crying. Is this reality?! Really, is this what dating is like these days? I haven't dated in nearly a decade and maybe I am so out of the loop that I don't know that this is what dating has amounted to. I just find it horrible that this kind of thing is played on national television as entertainment. I know that the drama is why so many people tune in....for the "Oh no he didn't" moments but where is the line?
I just remembered tonight why I don't waste my time watching programs on television. It makes me sad that as a nation we give programs like this a vote every week and ask for it to be aired for another season. I am making the choice NOT to vote for this program again. I know one vote wont change a whole lot but I can rest assured that I am not endorsing or supporting programs like this.
I watched as a "gentleman" from the same area that I live in lead a girl on and laughed about it to the camera. He was crude and hurtful behind her back and prince charming to her face. It was HORRIBLE to watch. I cant imagine how hurt and upset this poor girl is. I cant imagine having that done to me on national television and then having to watch it all over again when it airs. It made me really stop and think, what the heck is wrong with people? Why is it ok for this guy to leave his daughter and his responsibilities at home with no other intention than to go on television and hurt someone. What part of this entire idea was appealing or justified?
Again, I don't watch the show so maybe I missed something. I just cant imagine something that I missed that would justify such deplorable behavior. Why is this kind of thing allowed to take place in the sake of "entertainment"? I saw nothing entertaining or amusing in this poor girl crying. Is this reality?! Really, is this what dating is like these days? I haven't dated in nearly a decade and maybe I am so out of the loop that I don't know that this is what dating has amounted to. I just find it horrible that this kind of thing is played on national television as entertainment. I know that the drama is why so many people tune in....for the "Oh no he didn't" moments but where is the line?
I just remembered tonight why I don't waste my time watching programs on television. It makes me sad that as a nation we give programs like this a vote every week and ask for it to be aired for another season. I am making the choice NOT to vote for this program again. I know one vote wont change a whole lot but I can rest assured that I am not endorsing or supporting programs like this.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Family Planning
So I have 12 weeks roughly to go till this little one arrives and we couldn't be happier. This is our third baby and I think the most frequently asked questions that we have heard are 1- What are you having? 2- What are you naming her? 3- Are you done having kids? It really doesnt bother me anymore. I really thought that it was nosy in the beginning to ask about our family planning but I understand why people ask. We are 30, we have adopted an older child and this is our third baby in six years. Four children by national standards is a large family. In our highly religious community though, it isn't unheard of to have families of six, eight, ten, or twelve children.
About a year ago Josh's brother and his wife decided that they were a complete family and made a permanent decision. That prompted the family planning discussion for Josh and I. After the traumatic birth of our son, I wasn't sure that I could handle having another baby. I didn't know if it would be possible to heal those wounds and to have a healthy fear free pregnancy. In the same token, the thought of completely stopping any and all possibility of future children scared me. I somewhat panicked and begged him to wait until we both were on the same page. So we decided to wait. Cut to the chase...by December we were pregnant again- against what were seemingly staggering odds.
I know a lot of women that from the moment they conceive that final child, they know that they are done. Call it a prompting, or a woman's intuition, but they just know. I did not have this feeling off the bat. Yes, in the first trimester I swore everyday that this was the LAST time I EVER wanted to be pregnant because of the exhaustion and the severe nausea. (pay no attention to the fact that I also did this with my first AND second pregnancy) I didn't feel that way early in the second trimester. Half way through when we went for our 20 week ultra sound and discovered that it was a girl (a complete shock) it hit me like a ton of bricks that she was the missing piece to our family puzzle.
Would I call it divine or spiritual? No, not really. It was just a complete assurance that washed over me and told me, this was it. And my reaction shocked even me. I was sad. I love the process of becoming a mother almost as much as I love being a mother. The thought of this being the last pregnancy and the last child I will carry made me sad. It has also made me cherish every kick, hiccup and even pain. I look forward to our little girl arriving but I'm in no rush. She can take her time growing strong and healthy. I cant wait to meet our little one and to sit surrounded by the full family that we were blessed with.
About a year ago Josh's brother and his wife decided that they were a complete family and made a permanent decision. That prompted the family planning discussion for Josh and I. After the traumatic birth of our son, I wasn't sure that I could handle having another baby. I didn't know if it would be possible to heal those wounds and to have a healthy fear free pregnancy. In the same token, the thought of completely stopping any and all possibility of future children scared me. I somewhat panicked and begged him to wait until we both were on the same page. So we decided to wait. Cut to the chase...by December we were pregnant again- against what were seemingly staggering odds.
I know a lot of women that from the moment they conceive that final child, they know that they are done. Call it a prompting, or a woman's intuition, but they just know. I did not have this feeling off the bat. Yes, in the first trimester I swore everyday that this was the LAST time I EVER wanted to be pregnant because of the exhaustion and the severe nausea. (pay no attention to the fact that I also did this with my first AND second pregnancy) I didn't feel that way early in the second trimester. Half way through when we went for our 20 week ultra sound and discovered that it was a girl (a complete shock) it hit me like a ton of bricks that she was the missing piece to our family puzzle.
Would I call it divine or spiritual? No, not really. It was just a complete assurance that washed over me and told me, this was it. And my reaction shocked even me. I was sad. I love the process of becoming a mother almost as much as I love being a mother. The thought of this being the last pregnancy and the last child I will carry made me sad. It has also made me cherish every kick, hiccup and even pain. I look forward to our little girl arriving but I'm in no rush. She can take her time growing strong and healthy. I cant wait to meet our little one and to sit surrounded by the full family that we were blessed with.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Its only 9 months, right?!
So the blessing of pregnancy is one that I am so eternally grateful for and honored that I get to experience. That being said, there are days where I want certain things that I just cant have when pregnant. It doesnt bug me for the most part, but other days, it feels like the death of me. Here is a little list of things that I am so excited for once I have my little bundle of joy in my arms.
*Sleeping how I want to, when I want to. I miss the occasional stomach nap, without having to use 20 pillows. I also miss actually being able to sleep. I am one of those lucky ones that has insomnia from the day of conception until the day of arrival.
*Steak. I know, I know- you can eat steak when you are pregnant. I will only eat a steak medium rare and not a degree over. Hence- no steak for me. What is the point of eating it once its well done and leathery?!
*Sushi. I love, desire and crave raw fish. I know some people find it gross but I cannot live with out it. 9 months about does me in.
*My feet. I cant see them, I cant reach them and they morph into these strange Flinstone type things toward the end of the day. My big toe actually swells to the point of pain. Yes, my big toe.
*Clothing variety. I refuse to spend tons of cash on maternity clothes. I will buy a few shirts and a couple of pairs of pants and thats about it. You can only make so many outfits out of those few basics. I get tired looking in the mirror and seeing the outfit I wore two days ago.
*Coffee. Yes, I still partake in an occasional cup of coffee but a heightened sense of smell and a picky preggy tummy has made me a horrible coffee snob. I cant take cheap coffee. I seriously gag.
*Snuggle time. I have this weird thing that happens when I get pregnant. I get very claustrophobic. I cant handle more than a little snuggle with the hubby without feeling like the walls are closing in on me. Combine that with the ultra sensitive nose that I aquire and its no good. I cant STAND the smell of Josh's deoderant when I'm pregnant. Blech!
*Jogging. I LOVE to jog. It became one of my favorite things to do when I lost weight. I miss being able to lace up my jogging shoes and crank my ipod in the basement and get in a couple of miles. Im lucky if I can walk to the mailbox right now without feeling hip pain, round ligament pain, or having to pee.
*Wrestling with my kids. I love to wrestle and play with my kids. Its one of our favorite things to do. Unfortunately, once I am on the floor, my mobility it pretty limited. It can take me a few minutes just to figure out how the heck to stand up!
*Energy. I miss having the energy to do the simple things that I typically do on a daily basis. I miss carrying a basket of laundry upstairs. I miss vacuuming without having to stop for 20 minutes afterward to sit down while Braxton Hicks ensue.
I know that its just temporary and it's all for the greater good. I know that once I am holding her in my arms that none of this will matter. I know that there will always be SOMETHING that I can complain about having to do or not being able to do. For now, these are the grievances that I air.
*Sleeping how I want to, when I want to. I miss the occasional stomach nap, without having to use 20 pillows. I also miss actually being able to sleep. I am one of those lucky ones that has insomnia from the day of conception until the day of arrival.
*Steak. I know, I know- you can eat steak when you are pregnant. I will only eat a steak medium rare and not a degree over. Hence- no steak for me. What is the point of eating it once its well done and leathery?!
*Sushi. I love, desire and crave raw fish. I know some people find it gross but I cannot live with out it. 9 months about does me in.
*My feet. I cant see them, I cant reach them and they morph into these strange Flinstone type things toward the end of the day. My big toe actually swells to the point of pain. Yes, my big toe.
*Clothing variety. I refuse to spend tons of cash on maternity clothes. I will buy a few shirts and a couple of pairs of pants and thats about it. You can only make so many outfits out of those few basics. I get tired looking in the mirror and seeing the outfit I wore two days ago.
*Coffee. Yes, I still partake in an occasional cup of coffee but a heightened sense of smell and a picky preggy tummy has made me a horrible coffee snob. I cant take cheap coffee. I seriously gag.
*Snuggle time. I have this weird thing that happens when I get pregnant. I get very claustrophobic. I cant handle more than a little snuggle with the hubby without feeling like the walls are closing in on me. Combine that with the ultra sensitive nose that I aquire and its no good. I cant STAND the smell of Josh's deoderant when I'm pregnant. Blech!
*Jogging. I LOVE to jog. It became one of my favorite things to do when I lost weight. I miss being able to lace up my jogging shoes and crank my ipod in the basement and get in a couple of miles. Im lucky if I can walk to the mailbox right now without feeling hip pain, round ligament pain, or having to pee.
*Wrestling with my kids. I love to wrestle and play with my kids. Its one of our favorite things to do. Unfortunately, once I am on the floor, my mobility it pretty limited. It can take me a few minutes just to figure out how the heck to stand up!
*Energy. I miss having the energy to do the simple things that I typically do on a daily basis. I miss carrying a basket of laundry upstairs. I miss vacuuming without having to stop for 20 minutes afterward to sit down while Braxton Hicks ensue.
I know that its just temporary and it's all for the greater good. I know that once I am holding her in my arms that none of this will matter. I know that there will always be SOMETHING that I can complain about having to do or not being able to do. For now, these are the grievances that I air.
Monday, May 23, 2011
And the heavens align....
What a day. What a day. Who knew it was possible to go from feeling so disappointed to so excited in one day. I have been gearing up for my appointment with my OB/GYN today for about five weeks. I finally have a firm birth plan. I have been pretty upfront with my OB since I started in her care in January. I told her that I wanted a natural delivery. What exactly that entailed, I wasn't sure. Little did I understand then that there is a big difference between a "drug free" and "low intervention" delivery.
In reading and taking classes and in trusting in myself, I know what I want. I know what I am open to and I know what I am capable of. Well, fitting my wants into the conventional system is a bit more difficult than I expected. I knew that there might be some apprehension on the part of my provider but that given my history and my experience there might be some room for understanding and compromise. What I learned today is that I was wrong. It makes me sad. It was completely reaffirmed that what I want and what is in the best interest of myself and my baby just doesn't matter.
It wasn't even the exact words that were spoken that saddened me. It was the attitude that "you can do what you want to but in the end, WE are in charge- you have no say, we are going to do what we are going to do". The specific examples of this really aren't worth repeating. The credit that I will give my provider is that when she could tell that I was upset, she said that she understood the experience I wanted and that she just couldn't ensure that she could give it to me. At that point she asked me if I wanted a copy of my medical records. And that was it. The death of the relationship with my OB/GYN.
I left feeling like I had literally been punched in the stomach. I couldn't even really cry because I was in shock over the bluntness of the conversation. I couldn't understand why asking for something outside of drugs and intervention was looked at as crazy or outlandish. I came home to talk to Josh about the discussion I had just had- and thats when the panic hit me. Holy crap, I am 27 weeks pregnant with no provider and no one but my hubby and my doula on my side. What the heck am I supposed to do?!
That's when my head jumped to the hospitals website. I had been searching for a specialists for my husband and stumbled across the fact that there was a list of midwives that had privileges at my hospital. I decided to look them back up and give them a call to see if they would dare take someone on this late in the game. Not only was she taking new patients but she had an appointment TODAY for a meet and greet. Well- I took the appointment and called my doula. Not only did my doula know the midwife I was going to talk with but she said she absolutely adored her and that I would immediately fall in love with her.
I showed up with my same list of questions that I asked my OB/GYN. I was locked and loaded and and wasn't ready to settle for anything other than what I wanted. I was a woman on a mission on the outside and scared little pregnant girl on the inside. Well, the minute she walked in and sat down, things just clicked. I explained what brought me in and my situation. She was AMAZING. I didn't even have to break out my list of questions. She answered every single one without me even asking. It was like she knew what I was feeling and put all my fears to rest. It was like the biggest full bodied sigh of relief. I am back on board for my own delivery. It feels so good to have a provider who is on my side and believes in my ability to birth. Her faith in me reminded me to have faith in myself.
In reading and taking classes and in trusting in myself, I know what I want. I know what I am open to and I know what I am capable of. Well, fitting my wants into the conventional system is a bit more difficult than I expected. I knew that there might be some apprehension on the part of my provider but that given my history and my experience there might be some room for understanding and compromise. What I learned today is that I was wrong. It makes me sad. It was completely reaffirmed that what I want and what is in the best interest of myself and my baby just doesn't matter.
It wasn't even the exact words that were spoken that saddened me. It was the attitude that "you can do what you want to but in the end, WE are in charge- you have no say, we are going to do what we are going to do". The specific examples of this really aren't worth repeating. The credit that I will give my provider is that when she could tell that I was upset, she said that she understood the experience I wanted and that she just couldn't ensure that she could give it to me. At that point she asked me if I wanted a copy of my medical records. And that was it. The death of the relationship with my OB/GYN.
I left feeling like I had literally been punched in the stomach. I couldn't even really cry because I was in shock over the bluntness of the conversation. I couldn't understand why asking for something outside of drugs and intervention was looked at as crazy or outlandish. I came home to talk to Josh about the discussion I had just had- and thats when the panic hit me. Holy crap, I am 27 weeks pregnant with no provider and no one but my hubby and my doula on my side. What the heck am I supposed to do?!
That's when my head jumped to the hospitals website. I had been searching for a specialists for my husband and stumbled across the fact that there was a list of midwives that had privileges at my hospital. I decided to look them back up and give them a call to see if they would dare take someone on this late in the game. Not only was she taking new patients but she had an appointment TODAY for a meet and greet. Well- I took the appointment and called my doula. Not only did my doula know the midwife I was going to talk with but she said she absolutely adored her and that I would immediately fall in love with her.
I showed up with my same list of questions that I asked my OB/GYN. I was locked and loaded and and wasn't ready to settle for anything other than what I wanted. I was a woman on a mission on the outside and scared little pregnant girl on the inside. Well, the minute she walked in and sat down, things just clicked. I explained what brought me in and my situation. She was AMAZING. I didn't even have to break out my list of questions. She answered every single one without me even asking. It was like she knew what I was feeling and put all my fears to rest. It was like the biggest full bodied sigh of relief. I am back on board for my own delivery. It feels so good to have a provider who is on my side and believes in my ability to birth. Her faith in me reminded me to have faith in myself.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Ch Ch Ch Changes....
As you may or may not have read about in previous posts, I have "talked" about the fact that I deal with some pretty awesome anxiety from time to time being bi polar and all. I am currently un-medicated as I am 6 1/2 months pregnant. I have my good days and I have my not so awesome days just like anyone else but I must admit I have handled all the emotions that come along with pregnancy and life a LOT better this time around. Maybe its all the counseling I have been through in the last year, maybe its just growing up but I feel like I have a much more stable head on my shoulders.
So I can pretty much go with the flow with most things but randomly I will have a rush of anxiety about how drastically our lives are about to change again. We are bringing a third baby into the home. I have NO clothes for this one as I gave everything away thinking we were done. We dont have a room for her since each child currently has their own room. Can we financially swing all that goes along with having another baby? How is breastfeeding going to play out with this one? Will I have postpartum depression with this child? Will I want to work after she is born or will I be too overwhelmed? And it makes me think- what in the heck were we thinking having another baby?!
I know, Im almost seven months pregnant and its not exactly the most ideal time to think about motivation. She is coming like it or not in August. And PLEASE, dont get me wrong, I am thrilled to tears. Literally. I cry every time I think that this is the last time I will experience pregnancy. I am so excited to meet her and hold her and love her earth- side....Im just freaking out.
Motherhood, marriage and pregnancy have taught me a grave lesson that I fight tooth and nail every day of my life. This lesson is : I AM IN CONTROL OF VERY LITTLE IN MY LIFE. That's right. I can not control the actions of my children, husband or really anyone except me. I cant stop the hissy fits at dinner time. I cant change my husband from being brutally frugal. I cant change the fact that our family dynamic as we know it is about to forever change. And it KILLS me sometimes. I think that I should be able to control everything and be responsible for it all. I have to actually let go and let things play out the way they were meant to and trust that it will all be for the best.
I have a constant internal struggle where I have to tell myself that its OK to surrender. Surrender to the process, surrender to the outcome and surrender to the emotions tied to it all. So how is a control freak mommy supposed to surrender?! I am still figuring this one out. Its a day to day struggle for me. Will it every STOP being a struggle? I hope that as I experience more and grow that I have the opportunity to be more aware, breath and for a lack of a better term, let it be. (Queue Beetles music)
So I can pretty much go with the flow with most things but randomly I will have a rush of anxiety about how drastically our lives are about to change again. We are bringing a third baby into the home. I have NO clothes for this one as I gave everything away thinking we were done. We dont have a room for her since each child currently has their own room. Can we financially swing all that goes along with having another baby? How is breastfeeding going to play out with this one? Will I have postpartum depression with this child? Will I want to work after she is born or will I be too overwhelmed? And it makes me think- what in the heck were we thinking having another baby?!
I know, Im almost seven months pregnant and its not exactly the most ideal time to think about motivation. She is coming like it or not in August. And PLEASE, dont get me wrong, I am thrilled to tears. Literally. I cry every time I think that this is the last time I will experience pregnancy. I am so excited to meet her and hold her and love her earth- side....Im just freaking out.
Motherhood, marriage and pregnancy have taught me a grave lesson that I fight tooth and nail every day of my life. This lesson is : I AM IN CONTROL OF VERY LITTLE IN MY LIFE. That's right. I can not control the actions of my children, husband or really anyone except me. I cant stop the hissy fits at dinner time. I cant change my husband from being brutally frugal. I cant change the fact that our family dynamic as we know it is about to forever change. And it KILLS me sometimes. I think that I should be able to control everything and be responsible for it all. I have to actually let go and let things play out the way they were meant to and trust that it will all be for the best.
I have a constant internal struggle where I have to tell myself that its OK to surrender. Surrender to the process, surrender to the outcome and surrender to the emotions tied to it all. So how is a control freak mommy supposed to surrender?! I am still figuring this one out. Its a day to day struggle for me. Will it every STOP being a struggle? I hope that as I experience more and grow that I have the opportunity to be more aware, breath and for a lack of a better term, let it be. (Queue Beetles music)
Friday, May 20, 2011
Co showering
So yesterday I had a friend mention to me that she and her husband had made the decision to stop bathing with their children as they are now 5 and 7. She said that she had a distinct memory of growing up and seeing her mother put on a bra that she wishes that she didn't remember. I was a little confused because I still bathe with my nearly 6 year old little girl and I love our bath times. Yes, she has likened my nipples to sausage (noticing the change in color while pregnant), but I wouldn't change it. In fact, she asks me plenty of questions in the tub about bodies. Why do I have hair in places she doesn't? Why are my boobs bigger than hers. When will she have to start shaving and wearing deodorant? I answer them honestly and frankly and move on.
So tonight in the shower she mentioned that she could tell my belly was getting bigger and that she liked how round it was getting. She asked me a very frank, very five year old question..."Mommy, do YOU like your body?" As simple as that question is, it kind of took me by surprise. I responded,"Yes, I love my growing belly because it means your sister is growing and getting big." And then I turned the question around on her. "Sophie, do YOU like YOUR body?" The response was absolutely priceless. She looked at me all confused and responded "Of coarse mom. I have legs so I can run and hands so I can eat yummy food." And yes, there was a silent duh! oh the end of that. I asked her what else she liked her body and she told me she loved her fingernails because they can be painted and her skin because it keeps her put together and safe.
What a humbling conversation to have with a five year old. There was no talk of her butt being too big, her calves being disproportionate, her nose sticking out, loose skin on her belly or stretch marks. It was a gratitude for the job that her body does for her. A gratitude for the ability to move and eat and enjoy life. I cant help but to think how much I can learn from that. I have an amazing experience happening to me right now...I am growing another human being inside of me. How COOL is that?! I forget myself how cool that is. Its an amazing process when you think of all that is involved from conception to the actual arrival of this mini person. What an amazing function to be grateful for.
I remember having great conversation with my mom in the car. As a teenager, it was much easier to answer questions without having to make eye contact or even really acknowledge there was another person present. Well, that is my bath time with Sophie. Its one of the only places we can talk without being interrupted by the phone ringing or little brothers demanding attention. Its where she asks me very frank questions about life and makes observations about life that I didn't realize she had. It reaffirms the bond that I hope will stay strong for a long time to come. I hope that she looks back and remembers the talks we were having and not the fact that it was traumatizing to see her mom naked. And if she does? I will be at peace and laugh and have this memory of awesome conversation in the tub with my daughter.
So tonight in the shower she mentioned that she could tell my belly was getting bigger and that she liked how round it was getting. She asked me a very frank, very five year old question..."Mommy, do YOU like your body?" As simple as that question is, it kind of took me by surprise. I responded,"Yes, I love my growing belly because it means your sister is growing and getting big." And then I turned the question around on her. "Sophie, do YOU like YOUR body?" The response was absolutely priceless. She looked at me all confused and responded "Of coarse mom. I have legs so I can run and hands so I can eat yummy food." And yes, there was a silent duh! oh the end of that. I asked her what else she liked her body and she told me she loved her fingernails because they can be painted and her skin because it keeps her put together and safe.
What a humbling conversation to have with a five year old. There was no talk of her butt being too big, her calves being disproportionate, her nose sticking out, loose skin on her belly or stretch marks. It was a gratitude for the job that her body does for her. A gratitude for the ability to move and eat and enjoy life. I cant help but to think how much I can learn from that. I have an amazing experience happening to me right now...I am growing another human being inside of me. How COOL is that?! I forget myself how cool that is. Its an amazing process when you think of all that is involved from conception to the actual arrival of this mini person. What an amazing function to be grateful for.
I remember having great conversation with my mom in the car. As a teenager, it was much easier to answer questions without having to make eye contact or even really acknowledge there was another person present. Well, that is my bath time with Sophie. Its one of the only places we can talk without being interrupted by the phone ringing or little brothers demanding attention. Its where she asks me very frank questions about life and makes observations about life that I didn't realize she had. It reaffirms the bond that I hope will stay strong for a long time to come. I hope that she looks back and remembers the talks we were having and not the fact that it was traumatizing to see her mom naked. And if she does? I will be at peace and laugh and have this memory of awesome conversation in the tub with my daughter.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Wow, I promise this isn't the real me....
I worked in an office environment with my first two pregnancies. I went to work sick, uncomfortable and hot. While at work I had to deal with stupid clients and stupid co workers who made equally stupid comments. (ie- wow, you look ready to pop!, gotta love that pregnancy appetite!, are you sure your not having twins?!) Those of you who know me know that I tend to be pretty outspoken by nature. I still try to maintain civility but I will let you know when a boundary has been crossed. Well, combine the discomfort of the last trimester with my inability to deal with other people's stupidity and let me tell you- it wasn't pretty. What little bit of a "filter" I had on my mouth was GONE by 32 weeks.
I actually came back from maternity leave after 8 weeks to have people comment- "Wow, your....nice?!" The poor things had been hired during my last trimester so they had never known anything that the horrible beast I evolved into in my last trimester. I felt really horrible after the fact. I couldn't take back my behavior for the last three months. I could only try to apologize and make a better impression after the fact.
So guess what? I'm pregnant again and the lovely third trimester beast has already started to rear its ugly head....and I'm not ACTUALLY in the third trimester yet! I still have two weeks to go! I have hit a wall where I want to enter my cavern of solitude. I don't want to answer the phone, I don't want to leave my house, I don't want to deal with anyone but my own little immediate family and maybe two other people. I cant even stand extended family at this point! What is wrong with me?! I feel like I am taking crazy pills! And no, telling me repeatedly that I am pregnant and overly sensitive does NOT help.
In my hypnobabies class, we talk about creating a bubble of peace during our pregnancy. Keeping positivity in and negativity out of our bubble. I feel like I do a pretty decent job at that until a random stranger at Starbucks asks me if I should REALLY be drinking coffee while pregnant. That is when my bubble of peace explodes and third trimester beast rears its ugly head. I think that the best medicine for me is to do what feels right and honor my limits. I also have to honor the fact that I KNOW that this isn't me and that I wont always be like this.
I think that I need to take more time to actually be with myself too- to "self care". I may be in my home, but I need to take more time to actually be in a positive place with myself. As much as I would love to blame everyone around me for the beast rearing its ugly head....Im the one that has to own my actions and take responsibility for my behavior. So don't take it personally if you don't see me for a while. Like at least 15 more weeks.....
I actually came back from maternity leave after 8 weeks to have people comment- "Wow, your....nice?!" The poor things had been hired during my last trimester so they had never known anything that the horrible beast I evolved into in my last trimester. I felt really horrible after the fact. I couldn't take back my behavior for the last three months. I could only try to apologize and make a better impression after the fact.
So guess what? I'm pregnant again and the lovely third trimester beast has already started to rear its ugly head....and I'm not ACTUALLY in the third trimester yet! I still have two weeks to go! I have hit a wall where I want to enter my cavern of solitude. I don't want to answer the phone, I don't want to leave my house, I don't want to deal with anyone but my own little immediate family and maybe two other people. I cant even stand extended family at this point! What is wrong with me?! I feel like I am taking crazy pills! And no, telling me repeatedly that I am pregnant and overly sensitive does NOT help.
In my hypnobabies class, we talk about creating a bubble of peace during our pregnancy. Keeping positivity in and negativity out of our bubble. I feel like I do a pretty decent job at that until a random stranger at Starbucks asks me if I should REALLY be drinking coffee while pregnant. That is when my bubble of peace explodes and third trimester beast rears its ugly head. I think that the best medicine for me is to do what feels right and honor my limits. I also have to honor the fact that I KNOW that this isn't me and that I wont always be like this.
I think that I need to take more time to actually be with myself too- to "self care". I may be in my home, but I need to take more time to actually be in a positive place with myself. As much as I would love to blame everyone around me for the beast rearing its ugly head....Im the one that has to own my actions and take responsibility for my behavior. So don't take it personally if you don't see me for a while. Like at least 15 more weeks.....
Monday, May 16, 2011
Laundry, dishes, dinner....
So part of what I love about my life is also the bane of my existence...ROUTINE. Having children has made a routine not just a nicety but mandatory. On any given day, you can find me doing at least a couple loads of laundry, doing dishes, making dinner, picking kids up from school, etc. I find that I can tell you my routine per day probably ver batum and it doesn't vary from day to day let along from week to week. I could do my routine in my sleep, while on the phone and holding at least one child.
I find myself reminiscent of the days where we would take off to Village Inn at 11 PM for pancakes because we had the hankering. Or when we would decide Friday morning that we would take off for a three day excursion to Vegas. Ah yes, my early twenties. Before children, a mortgage and puppy came into play. Things were so much simpler then. But were they really?
I find that I have romanticized my late teen, early twenties quite a bit. I remember only the carefree irresponsible fun that I had and I tend to forget how hard that time in my life really was. How unpredictable things seemed to be....I had no permanent residence, I had no career, I wasn't settled. I didnt realize how desperately I wanted all of those things. So I ended up getting married, buying a home, getting pregnant and adopting a Katy all in six months. There you go- BAM! I am settled. No turning back now- huh?!
It took some getting used to- thats for sure. I also must admit, there were days I fought it tooth and nail. I didn't want to be grown up! Its just not as fun. I find humor in the fact that now the things that I look forward to are trips to McDonald's with the kids and having some decent sunshine so that I can relax in it. So my friend, my routine, I give. I surrender to you because there is so much security and love in my routine that I cant imagine going back. I really do love my life.
I find myself reminiscent of the days where we would take off to Village Inn at 11 PM for pancakes because we had the hankering. Or when we would decide Friday morning that we would take off for a three day excursion to Vegas. Ah yes, my early twenties. Before children, a mortgage and puppy came into play. Things were so much simpler then. But were they really?
I find that I have romanticized my late teen, early twenties quite a bit. I remember only the carefree irresponsible fun that I had and I tend to forget how hard that time in my life really was. How unpredictable things seemed to be....I had no permanent residence, I had no career, I wasn't settled. I didnt realize how desperately I wanted all of those things. So I ended up getting married, buying a home, getting pregnant and adopting a Katy all in six months. There you go- BAM! I am settled. No turning back now- huh?!
It took some getting used to- thats for sure. I also must admit, there were days I fought it tooth and nail. I didn't want to be grown up! Its just not as fun. I find humor in the fact that now the things that I look forward to are trips to McDonald's with the kids and having some decent sunshine so that I can relax in it. So my friend, my routine, I give. I surrender to you because there is so much security and love in my routine that I cant imagine going back. I really do love my life.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Hello?! Is there anybody out there?!
So let me preface this entire entry with the fact that I work from home. I watch children in my home in addition to my lovely spunky kidos. So you would think that I would just be too busy to be lonely. You would think wrong. It's pretty sad when I KNOW its a solicitor calling and I answer the phone just to hear another adult voice. I will call my husband at work just to know how delicious his Costco hotdog lunch was. I will even brave the isles of Walmart with a minimum of four children just to get out of the house.
I get lonely. It's true. Its not that I'm not occupied, entertained or happy....I just get lonely sometimes. By nature, I have always been a very outgoing person who is not afraid to strike up a conversation with just about anyone. I love people. I love hearing about their lives. I love getting to know people. I love hearing things about my good friends that I have known for years that I didn't know. I love to hear about their wins and struggles. I think that it keeps me grounded in humanity. The more moms I know and I have the opportunity to get to know, the more I find we are actually all very similar. We all struggle. We all have days where we question if we are making the right choices. We all love our children in an unspeakably deep way and we would do ANYTHING to protect them.
I am very open and honest about the fact that I am bi polar. I was diagnosed at the age of 15 with post traumatic stress induced depression. Despite years and years of therapy and drugs, I struggled. I struggled with addiction in trying to self medicate in my twenties and finally after the birth of my precious Sophie, a light went on. I dont get to be crazy. I am a mother. I am helping in shaping and molding this precious gift from what ever higher power you believe in. I no longer have the right to play games with my meds, feel sorry for myself and give into the disease. So I started with a great psych doctor who played the game with my meds till we found a cocktail with the results we were looking for.
Amidst my counseling and 12 step programs, I was introduced to a little thing called HALT. It stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. These are the four most influential reasons that people start to struggle and ultimately relapse. I found it very impactful that even in a 12 step program, there was a recognition that loneliness is a real valid thing. Its not some silly emotion to be ignored. What a revelation!
So as a stay at home mom of 2+3, I have to make an effort to stay connected to something or someone everyday. Whether its talking on the phone to a friend, facebook or even writing a quick blog entry- I have to stay in touch. I have also gotten rid of the guilt that I had associated with that need for so many years. Why should I feel guilty for reaching out? Why should I assume that I am inconveniencing someone else? How do I know that a phone call from a friend isn't exactly what the person on the other end of the line needed? How do I know that they aren't struggling too? I don't. You just might make someones day by reaching out, and there is no way to know until you try it out.
I get lonely. It's true. Its not that I'm not occupied, entertained or happy....I just get lonely sometimes. By nature, I have always been a very outgoing person who is not afraid to strike up a conversation with just about anyone. I love people. I love hearing about their lives. I love getting to know people. I love hearing things about my good friends that I have known for years that I didn't know. I love to hear about their wins and struggles. I think that it keeps me grounded in humanity. The more moms I know and I have the opportunity to get to know, the more I find we are actually all very similar. We all struggle. We all have days where we question if we are making the right choices. We all love our children in an unspeakably deep way and we would do ANYTHING to protect them.
I am very open and honest about the fact that I am bi polar. I was diagnosed at the age of 15 with post traumatic stress induced depression. Despite years and years of therapy and drugs, I struggled. I struggled with addiction in trying to self medicate in my twenties and finally after the birth of my precious Sophie, a light went on. I dont get to be crazy. I am a mother. I am helping in shaping and molding this precious gift from what ever higher power you believe in. I no longer have the right to play games with my meds, feel sorry for myself and give into the disease. So I started with a great psych doctor who played the game with my meds till we found a cocktail with the results we were looking for.
Amidst my counseling and 12 step programs, I was introduced to a little thing called HALT. It stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. These are the four most influential reasons that people start to struggle and ultimately relapse. I found it very impactful that even in a 12 step program, there was a recognition that loneliness is a real valid thing. Its not some silly emotion to be ignored. What a revelation!
So as a stay at home mom of 2+3, I have to make an effort to stay connected to something or someone everyday. Whether its talking on the phone to a friend, facebook or even writing a quick blog entry- I have to stay in touch. I have also gotten rid of the guilt that I had associated with that need for so many years. Why should I feel guilty for reaching out? Why should I assume that I am inconveniencing someone else? How do I know that a phone call from a friend isn't exactly what the person on the other end of the line needed? How do I know that they aren't struggling too? I don't. You just might make someones day by reaching out, and there is no way to know until you try it out.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Pregnancy MUST HAVES
So, like Oprah, I have a list of my favorite things. In fact, I believe I posted a list in jest a while back. Now that I am pregnant again, and for the last time, I have found certain things that I cannot function without. I thought that I would share them. What are your cant live with-outs??
1- Fold Over Yoga Pants- Never before have I found such comfort in a pair of pants that wasn't necessarily maternity wear. I love them because they stretch and move with you. When you are pregnant, I just pull the fold over all the way up to conceal the babe and then after you have the baby, fold down for some extra lower pooch support. Love, love, love them! My personal favorite are Old Navy's version. They are cheap, they wear well and I adore that they come in long length for us leggy gals too!
2- CamelBak Better Bottle- I discovered these wonderful water bottles after my gastric bypass surgery a couple of years ago and I will never stray. I found it really difficult to drink as much water as I needed to without getting a lot of air in my stomach. (which is really painful when your stomach doesn't stretch) These little babies are awesome because they are straw mechanism water bottles but they dont get air in the line. I ALWAYS drink more through a straw so its easier for me to drink for two while pregnant.
3- Secret Fit Belly Motherhood Maternity Jeans- I don't know how I EVER survived my last two pregnancies without these jeans. They are SUPER stretchy, so they accommodate a growing mommy, not just a growing belly. I love the belly panel. Its stretchy, thin and it helps support. I cant say enough awesome things about them. OH! And they come in petite and talls too!!
4- Hypnobabies Birth Classes- I have elected to go natural with this birth and I couldn't be more excited. I opted to try Hypnobabies after suggestions from more than a couple of friends and online buddies. I LOVE IT. Never before have I felt so at peace, confident and excited for my birthing time! I love the exercises you do at home, its kept me so much more relaxed and comfortable this time around. I cant say enough good things.
5- Online Communities of Like Minded Women- Its been really important for me to surround myself with people who feel the same way and support me in my birthing plan. When you choose something other than the standard experience, you get looked at like you are crazy. In fact, I couldn't tell you how many people have straight up told me that I'm nuts for going natural. So it has been really awesome to find online communities and other blogs where you can go for some encouragement and who support your decision.
6- Wendy's Apple Pecan Chicken Salad- Are you kidding me?! I am pretty sure that you could take just about anything and dip it in Pomegranate Vinaigrette and it would be heavenly. I couldn't tell you which component of the salad I love the most because they are all so lovely together. Yes, its $6, but if I am eating out anyway, I would rather get something other than burger and fries.
7- doTERRA Essential Lavender Oil- It is so potent and concentrated that you only need a drop to completely relax you. I love it while meditating/self hypnosis, bath time, massage time, lunch...just kidding, but I really love it!
8- Suave Professional Volumizing Mousse- I got a coupon for a free product from Suave and this is the one that I chose. First off, having a sensitive pregnancy nose, smell is very important. I like this because it has a really great fresh citrus scent to it. It does a great job adding volume and I even use it to scrunch when I am feeling lazy. The best part?! Its less than $3!!
9- Lane Bryant Balconette Bra- Being a plus size and chesty gal, SUPPORT is the number one priority. It doesnt hurt when you can pick up extenders at the same time so in case you flux like I do, you can still wear your awesome bra! Its also a sweet bonus when you can get it in a ton of cute colors and prints. Its always nice to have a little something to help you feel a little sexy on those days when your not feeling your best.
There are plenty more, but these are my faves. What were or are your faves? Share and let me know!
1- Fold Over Yoga Pants- Never before have I found such comfort in a pair of pants that wasn't necessarily maternity wear. I love them because they stretch and move with you. When you are pregnant, I just pull the fold over all the way up to conceal the babe and then after you have the baby, fold down for some extra lower pooch support. Love, love, love them! My personal favorite are Old Navy's version. They are cheap, they wear well and I adore that they come in long length for us leggy gals too!
2- CamelBak Better Bottle- I discovered these wonderful water bottles after my gastric bypass surgery a couple of years ago and I will never stray. I found it really difficult to drink as much water as I needed to without getting a lot of air in my stomach. (which is really painful when your stomach doesn't stretch) These little babies are awesome because they are straw mechanism water bottles but they dont get air in the line. I ALWAYS drink more through a straw so its easier for me to drink for two while pregnant.
3- Secret Fit Belly Motherhood Maternity Jeans- I don't know how I EVER survived my last two pregnancies without these jeans. They are SUPER stretchy, so they accommodate a growing mommy, not just a growing belly. I love the belly panel. Its stretchy, thin and it helps support. I cant say enough awesome things about them. OH! And they come in petite and talls too!!
4- Hypnobabies Birth Classes- I have elected to go natural with this birth and I couldn't be more excited. I opted to try Hypnobabies after suggestions from more than a couple of friends and online buddies. I LOVE IT. Never before have I felt so at peace, confident and excited for my birthing time! I love the exercises you do at home, its kept me so much more relaxed and comfortable this time around. I cant say enough good things.
5- Online Communities of Like Minded Women- Its been really important for me to surround myself with people who feel the same way and support me in my birthing plan. When you choose something other than the standard experience, you get looked at like you are crazy. In fact, I couldn't tell you how many people have straight up told me that I'm nuts for going natural. So it has been really awesome to find online communities and other blogs where you can go for some encouragement and who support your decision.
6- Wendy's Apple Pecan Chicken Salad- Are you kidding me?! I am pretty sure that you could take just about anything and dip it in Pomegranate Vinaigrette and it would be heavenly. I couldn't tell you which component of the salad I love the most because they are all so lovely together. Yes, its $6, but if I am eating out anyway, I would rather get something other than burger and fries.
7- doTERRA Essential Lavender Oil- It is so potent and concentrated that you only need a drop to completely relax you. I love it while meditating/self hypnosis, bath time, massage time, lunch...just kidding, but I really love it!
8- Suave Professional Volumizing Mousse- I got a coupon for a free product from Suave and this is the one that I chose. First off, having a sensitive pregnancy nose, smell is very important. I like this because it has a really great fresh citrus scent to it. It does a great job adding volume and I even use it to scrunch when I am feeling lazy. The best part?! Its less than $3!!
9- Lane Bryant Balconette Bra- Being a plus size and chesty gal, SUPPORT is the number one priority. It doesnt hurt when you can pick up extenders at the same time so in case you flux like I do, you can still wear your awesome bra! Its also a sweet bonus when you can get it in a ton of cute colors and prints. Its always nice to have a little something to help you feel a little sexy on those days when your not feeling your best.
There are plenty more, but these are my faves. What were or are your faves? Share and let me know!
Friday, May 6, 2011
Exhaustion
One of the most difficult parts of parenting for me has been the complete and utter lack of sleep. It started with pregnancy insomnia and the inability to get comfortable to sleep. Then you have the baby, and we all know how demanding newborns and infants can be between the hours of 9 PM and 6 AM. Then we have toddler transition, bad dreams, irregular waking patterns, teething, monsters in the closet, and stuffy noses. I BARELY started to feel like I was actually able to get into a semi normal sleep pattern now that my children are 3 1/2 and 5 1/2....then I got pregnant and the sleep deprivation kicked in all over again.
I must admit that I have the worlds most AWESOME partner who takes most nights for me. Even when the kids were infants and would take a bottle, Josh was up with them so I could get some sleep. It saved me in ways that I cant explain. I dont know if I am wired funny, but there is only so much sleep deprivation that my body and mind can handle. I seriously will just start crying in the middle of nothing simply because I am SO tired. (I have done it in public too...)
You want to make a million dollars fast?! Invent a way to a- let a mom to feel like 2 hours of sleep is actually 8 and is completely energized without it involving drugs...b- figure out a way to ensure a 8 hour sleep schedule for kids that doesn't involve drugs....or c- have the government pay for wonderful free post pardum doulas for the the first year of life like they do in France. Where is my 23% in taxes really going anyway?! I wish you all a great nights sleep or in the very least, a refreshing nap. I know we could all use one.
I must admit that I have the worlds most AWESOME partner who takes most nights for me. Even when the kids were infants and would take a bottle, Josh was up with them so I could get some sleep. It saved me in ways that I cant explain. I dont know if I am wired funny, but there is only so much sleep deprivation that my body and mind can handle. I seriously will just start crying in the middle of nothing simply because I am SO tired. (I have done it in public too...)
You want to make a million dollars fast?! Invent a way to a- let a mom to feel like 2 hours of sleep is actually 8 and is completely energized without it involving drugs...b- figure out a way to ensure a 8 hour sleep schedule for kids that doesn't involve drugs....or c- have the government pay for wonderful free post pardum doulas for the the first year of life like they do in France. Where is my 23% in taxes really going anyway?! I wish you all a great nights sleep or in the very least, a refreshing nap. I know we could all use one.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Mothers Day
So Mothers Day is approaching this weekend. A day to give thanks to the woman who gave birth to you, took you in and raised you, loved you and helped form you into a better person. The family dynamic that I have is a bit different from the "norm". (what is norm anymore though) I was adopted through a closed adoption and have never met my birth mother. My sister on the other hand was adopted through a family friend in an open adoption. Our mom, the woman who adopted, raised and loved us, passed away in 2004. I then took in my sister and raised her from the age of 14. So when I look at our family dynamic, I have to giggle because I have many women to give thanks to. Our birth mother and our adoptive mother, and really- each other. I "raised" Katy, but she made me grow up.
I typically don't try to set my expectations very high when it comes to Mothers Day. Really, all I want is a day to relax and not have to cook and clean. (but yet the cooking and the cleaning actually gets done) When I talk to most of my girlfriends, this is their wish too. Unfortunately, due to the fact that there are many women to be grateful for in our lives, it causes a day of driving to every single persons home or resting place to visit, chaos with kids sleep schedules and eventually, sheer exhaustion. Again, I ask the question that I do OH SO OFTEN. WHY do we do this to ourselves?! I totally and completely understand wanting to show appreciation to these amazing women. I understand wanting to show your gratitude in a formal way. How on earth can everyone win?
I am proposing something a bit unconventional- maybe even a little crazy. What if we took more time on a daily/weekly/monthly basis to show love and gratitude for those that we love so that when it comes down to the all important day, you do what you can and let the rest go. What if that means someone doesn't get a visit? It's ok. There are these wonderful things called telephones. They work both ways so that people can effectively communicate. Google Alexander Grand Bell if you don't believe me. All of the women that I am grateful for in my life are especially wonderful because they understand what it is to have young children. They understand what it is to have to plan around late morning melt downs, nap times, potty breaks and frequent snacking. And if they don't understand? Well, then it's nothing that I have done wrong or bad- they just don't know better or have forgotten.
I hope that for Mothers Day, we can all just have the day that we want. If that involves 24 straight hours of pajamas and no shower or a big fancy dinner- I hope you get it. If you are blessed to be a mother, enjoy the children that made you one. If you have yet to become a mother, cut yourself some slack and know it will happen if you want it to. If you have lost your mother, tell her how much you miss her. If you have your mother, thank her for the late night hugs and kisses when you woke up with a nightmare. Thank her for the reassurance about the boy you liked in the eighth grade. Thank her for believing in you when you graduated from high school. Thank her for holding your hand and giving you her blessing on your wedding day. Most of all, thank her for making you the wonderful woman you are today.
I typically don't try to set my expectations very high when it comes to Mothers Day. Really, all I want is a day to relax and not have to cook and clean. (but yet the cooking and the cleaning actually gets done) When I talk to most of my girlfriends, this is their wish too. Unfortunately, due to the fact that there are many women to be grateful for in our lives, it causes a day of driving to every single persons home or resting place to visit, chaos with kids sleep schedules and eventually, sheer exhaustion. Again, I ask the question that I do OH SO OFTEN. WHY do we do this to ourselves?! I totally and completely understand wanting to show appreciation to these amazing women. I understand wanting to show your gratitude in a formal way. How on earth can everyone win?
I am proposing something a bit unconventional- maybe even a little crazy. What if we took more time on a daily/weekly/monthly basis to show love and gratitude for those that we love so that when it comes down to the all important day, you do what you can and let the rest go. What if that means someone doesn't get a visit? It's ok. There are these wonderful things called telephones. They work both ways so that people can effectively communicate. Google Alexander Grand Bell if you don't believe me. All of the women that I am grateful for in my life are especially wonderful because they understand what it is to have young children. They understand what it is to have to plan around late morning melt downs, nap times, potty breaks and frequent snacking. And if they don't understand? Well, then it's nothing that I have done wrong or bad- they just don't know better or have forgotten.
I hope that for Mothers Day, we can all just have the day that we want. If that involves 24 straight hours of pajamas and no shower or a big fancy dinner- I hope you get it. If you are blessed to be a mother, enjoy the children that made you one. If you have yet to become a mother, cut yourself some slack and know it will happen if you want it to. If you have lost your mother, tell her how much you miss her. If you have your mother, thank her for the late night hugs and kisses when you woke up with a nightmare. Thank her for the reassurance about the boy you liked in the eighth grade. Thank her for believing in you when you graduated from high school. Thank her for holding your hand and giving you her blessing on your wedding day. Most of all, thank her for making you the wonderful woman you are today.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Mommy guilt
I have had the lovely trials of mommy guilt since before my little Sophie was even welcomed into this world. I gained a lot of weight, mostly due to poor eating choices. But when you have been throwing up non stop for three months and the only thing that sounds good is french fries- I say go for it! I still had guilt for feeding my growing baby fried potatoes rather than....a banana. Then she was born. I struggled with breast feeding for a few months and when the post pardum depression got real bad, I quit. Thus, adding to the mommy guilt. Then the six weeks of maternity leave was up and I had to leave her. Even though I had the worlds greatest daycare provider, the guilt multiplied. And so I was walking around with a three month old baby already feeling like the worlds biggest failure and worst mother on record.
I am now in a completely different place of my life. I have two young children and expecting a third. I am a stay at home daycare provider, so I have the luxury of staying home with my children and a couple more all day, everyday. Now I experience mommy guilt for completely different reasons. Because I watch other peoples wonderful kids, I see the mommy guilt when they are dropped off every morning. I have mommy guilt for letting my kids have an oreo before breakfast. And as completely excited as we are to welcome a new one into our growing family, I feel guilty that my two older children will feel left out.
Motherhood is all about finding a balance, and part of that is balancing your mommy guilt. I am secure that I am home with my kids all day and that they know I'm here for them. On the other hand, I feel it necessary to try to expand their horizons in as many different ways as possible since they are home all day. What may be balance for one mom may be completely un-doable for another. I think the biggest contributing factor to mommy guilt it watching other mommies who appear to have it all together despite harder trials, more children, or seem to make it all appear so very easy. Why do we do it to ourselves?
Living in the highest anti-depression prescribed state in the nation makes me wonder do any of us really have it together or is life about just making everyday as good as possible and trying harder then next day? I feel like turning 30 has liberated me as a mom. I have become confident in the choices that I make for me and my kids. I have quit comparing myself to the other seemingly perfect moms that I see all around me. I quit listening to the criticisms that I hear from "friends" and family. Doing these three things have made motherhood a much more enjoyable experience for me. Is this the golden key to happiness? For me- yeah, it sure helps. For you or for other people- couldn't tell you. I just hope that we can all just cut ourselves some slack and remember why we wanted to have kids to begin with.
I am now in a completely different place of my life. I have two young children and expecting a third. I am a stay at home daycare provider, so I have the luxury of staying home with my children and a couple more all day, everyday. Now I experience mommy guilt for completely different reasons. Because I watch other peoples wonderful kids, I see the mommy guilt when they are dropped off every morning. I have mommy guilt for letting my kids have an oreo before breakfast. And as completely excited as we are to welcome a new one into our growing family, I feel guilty that my two older children will feel left out.
Motherhood is all about finding a balance, and part of that is balancing your mommy guilt. I am secure that I am home with my kids all day and that they know I'm here for them. On the other hand, I feel it necessary to try to expand their horizons in as many different ways as possible since they are home all day. What may be balance for one mom may be completely un-doable for another. I think the biggest contributing factor to mommy guilt it watching other mommies who appear to have it all together despite harder trials, more children, or seem to make it all appear so very easy. Why do we do it to ourselves?
Living in the highest anti-depression prescribed state in the nation makes me wonder do any of us really have it together or is life about just making everyday as good as possible and trying harder then next day? I feel like turning 30 has liberated me as a mom. I have become confident in the choices that I make for me and my kids. I have quit comparing myself to the other seemingly perfect moms that I see all around me. I quit listening to the criticisms that I hear from "friends" and family. Doing these three things have made motherhood a much more enjoyable experience for me. Is this the golden key to happiness? For me- yeah, it sure helps. For you or for other people- couldn't tell you. I just hope that we can all just cut ourselves some slack and remember why we wanted to have kids to begin with.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Nesting, nesting, nesting....
So the one thing that I LOVE about late second, early third trimester is nesting. I know that sounds kind of funny though, huh?! It usually begins with a massive panic attack brought on by the feeling that I have nothing prepared. I will have a freak out that I have no clothes, (which I dont- I gave them all away), no room, (which is true, but we co-sleep for the first year anyway), no name picked out, (which I THINK we do, I just cant decide if it's right) and an overwhelming feeling of unpreparedness. The great thing is when I am standing on the other side of all the panic, with a clean kitchen, and feeling like somehow it will all work out.
The other great thing about the post freak out is that I stop and realize how much support I DO have. How many people around us are more than happy to help, we just need to tell them what we need. Now, I am quite outspoken and outgoing and generally have no problem talking to people- except when it comes to needing help. Why is that? It's really so stupid that I do that. I end up killing myself with the stress of things when all it would take is a couple of phone calls to make it all go away. Duh, it really is a no brainer, and yet, I struggle. I also have a hard time when people spontaneously give to me and my family. I dont want to accept it, or I feel like its far too much. (which sometimes it is- SHAR) I need to learn to let it go and be open to help. I am usually the first lined up to help someone else, but when the shoe is on the other foot, I freak the crap out. Dumb. Really- it is.
I am feeling quite good today. No braxton hicks, no cramping, and shockingly enough- NO HEADACHES!! So what is a feeling good mother to do?? CLEAN. Haha, I have put off really deep cleaning things for so long that it feels really good to wash walls and baseboards. I still dont think I will be mopping, I think I will leave that for Josh. I am so grateful that I have a hubby that helps out. He doesnt always do things the way that I WANT them done or on my time schedule, but he helps. He will put away clean clothes and dishes, wipe poopy Duncan bums, take out the garbage- and let's be real, thats the stuff I REALLY hate doing anyway. I will gladly iron and vacuum.
I really do have an awesome partner. I like to whine about silly things, but when push comes to shove, no one in the world has got my back like my Josh. When I decided to go against the grain and have a natural delivery for our third, he was completely on my side and just wanted to know what he could do to support me. When I decided to quit working out of the home and open our home to other peoples children so that we could make ends meet, he bought me a new car so I could haul children around. When I decided that I was prepared for gastric bypass surgery and ready to move forward, he helped research the best possible providers and talked to as many people as he could to find out their experience for me. He just rocks like that. Now if I could only get him to put the dirty dishes in the SINK, rather than the counter....
I am blessed and I am grateful for all that I have. I have so much that I could sit here and list them all but it would make for one LONG- A post. We will save that for another day.
The other great thing about the post freak out is that I stop and realize how much support I DO have. How many people around us are more than happy to help, we just need to tell them what we need. Now, I am quite outspoken and outgoing and generally have no problem talking to people- except when it comes to needing help. Why is that? It's really so stupid that I do that. I end up killing myself with the stress of things when all it would take is a couple of phone calls to make it all go away. Duh, it really is a no brainer, and yet, I struggle. I also have a hard time when people spontaneously give to me and my family. I dont want to accept it, or I feel like its far too much. (which sometimes it is- SHAR) I need to learn to let it go and be open to help. I am usually the first lined up to help someone else, but when the shoe is on the other foot, I freak the crap out. Dumb. Really- it is.
I am feeling quite good today. No braxton hicks, no cramping, and shockingly enough- NO HEADACHES!! So what is a feeling good mother to do?? CLEAN. Haha, I have put off really deep cleaning things for so long that it feels really good to wash walls and baseboards. I still dont think I will be mopping, I think I will leave that for Josh. I am so grateful that I have a hubby that helps out. He doesnt always do things the way that I WANT them done or on my time schedule, but he helps. He will put away clean clothes and dishes, wipe poopy Duncan bums, take out the garbage- and let's be real, thats the stuff I REALLY hate doing anyway. I will gladly iron and vacuum.
I really do have an awesome partner. I like to whine about silly things, but when push comes to shove, no one in the world has got my back like my Josh. When I decided to go against the grain and have a natural delivery for our third, he was completely on my side and just wanted to know what he could do to support me. When I decided to quit working out of the home and open our home to other peoples children so that we could make ends meet, he bought me a new car so I could haul children around. When I decided that I was prepared for gastric bypass surgery and ready to move forward, he helped research the best possible providers and talked to as many people as he could to find out their experience for me. He just rocks like that. Now if I could only get him to put the dirty dishes in the SINK, rather than the counter....I am blessed and I am grateful for all that I have. I have so much that I could sit here and list them all but it would make for one LONG- A post. We will save that for another day.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Haha, aren't I funny?
My girlfriend and I were talking over making dinner and I was at a loss for what to make. I had a pound of defrosted ground beef- and nothing to do with it. She told me that she would only tell me an idea if I put it on my blog. I know that she was kidding but I had to do it anyway. Oh, and dont ever play truth or dare with me. There isnt a whole lot I WONT do.
So dinner tonight was a recipe affectionately called:
BBQ Beef Ramen Noodles
1 lb ground beef
1-1/2 cups BBQ sauce
2 packages ramen noodles- any flavor
Brown the ground beef with some garlic salt and minced onions. Add the flavor packet to the beef and add BBQ sauce to make a thick sauce. Boil the noodles according to directions and add to sauce. I learned the hard way, break the noodles. The sauce is pretty thick and hard to mix when the noddles are 4 ft long. ENJOY! Sophie sure did- two bowls full!
So dinner tonight was a recipe affectionately called:
BBQ Beef Ramen Noodles
1 lb ground beef
1-1/2 cups BBQ sauce
2 packages ramen noodles- any flavor
Brown the ground beef with some garlic salt and minced onions. Add the flavor packet to the beef and add BBQ sauce to make a thick sauce. Boil the noodles according to directions and add to sauce. I learned the hard way, break the noodles. The sauce is pretty thick and hard to mix when the noddles are 4 ft long. ENJOY! Sophie sure did- two bowls full!
What do you wish you would have known?
I grew up as the oldest of three kids and truth be told, I was....spoiled. And not just spoiled or well taken care of, but a brat- a big fat spoiled brat. I had nearly any and everything that I ever wanted. If I didnt, you would be hearing about it. In my teenage years, my parents attempted to reign me in, but the damage was done. I got what I wanted, when I wanted it- and I thought that was how life was.
I went away to college, it didnt change. I was a brat in college. I was a brat to my room mates and especially my mother. I worked and always had, but if you thought that taught me any sort of lesson about budgeting, living within my means or gratitude, you are wrong. Whenever I got into trouble, my loving, easily manipulated mother came to my rescue. It was really awesome to be me.
So, at the age of 23, my mother passes away and I find myself alone. No parents to support me or bail me out. In fact, I now had a 12 year old to take care of. What the heck?? How was this possible and how the heck was I going to make it? Did this change my attitude? Nope.
Josh and I had been dating and I never had expected him to take care of me. I wasnt comfortable with him seeing me in that kind of light. We chose to get married a couple of years later, had a daughter, adopted a Katy, bought a house, even had a puppy. Did my attitude change? Well, kind of. I still wanted what I wanted when I wanted it- and thus became the cavern of credit cards and lies to cover up. It wreaked havoc on my marriage. It wasn't just about the money. It was the general attitude of overwhelming brattiness. (yes, that's a word)
Well, cut to six years of marriage, going through rehab for addiction and counseling for a year. What did I learn? Its not all about me. Its not all about what I want and how I feel. I get to take a step back and ask myself if what I want is best for both me and those around me. What a revelation. I wish I would have known this much earlier in life. Here is the funny thing though, when people told me that in my younger years, I laughed at them. How DARE they not know that it's all about me, all the time?! Don't they know who I am?!
The funny thing was, I didn't know who I was, so how in the world would I expect others to know? The greatest lesson I have been able to take away from this is how I am going to raise my kids. I work to instill a sense of self worth so that they aren't looking for a Barbie or a new sweater to define them. I work to instill a greater sense of self. I also work with them on things like budgeting. I literally had NO idea how to do it and actually live by it until I was 30! So what do you wish you would have known? What lesson was lost on you? (I actually have a laundry list if anyone is interested) What do you strive to instill in the next generation?
I went away to college, it didnt change. I was a brat in college. I was a brat to my room mates and especially my mother. I worked and always had, but if you thought that taught me any sort of lesson about budgeting, living within my means or gratitude, you are wrong. Whenever I got into trouble, my loving, easily manipulated mother came to my rescue. It was really awesome to be me.
So, at the age of 23, my mother passes away and I find myself alone. No parents to support me or bail me out. In fact, I now had a 12 year old to take care of. What the heck?? How was this possible and how the heck was I going to make it? Did this change my attitude? Nope.
Josh and I had been dating and I never had expected him to take care of me. I wasnt comfortable with him seeing me in that kind of light. We chose to get married a couple of years later, had a daughter, adopted a Katy, bought a house, even had a puppy. Did my attitude change? Well, kind of. I still wanted what I wanted when I wanted it- and thus became the cavern of credit cards and lies to cover up. It wreaked havoc on my marriage. It wasn't just about the money. It was the general attitude of overwhelming brattiness. (yes, that's a word)
Well, cut to six years of marriage, going through rehab for addiction and counseling for a year. What did I learn? Its not all about me. Its not all about what I want and how I feel. I get to take a step back and ask myself if what I want is best for both me and those around me. What a revelation. I wish I would have known this much earlier in life. Here is the funny thing though, when people told me that in my younger years, I laughed at them. How DARE they not know that it's all about me, all the time?! Don't they know who I am?!
The funny thing was, I didn't know who I was, so how in the world would I expect others to know? The greatest lesson I have been able to take away from this is how I am going to raise my kids. I work to instill a sense of self worth so that they aren't looking for a Barbie or a new sweater to define them. I work to instill a greater sense of self. I also work with them on things like budgeting. I literally had NO idea how to do it and actually live by it until I was 30! So what do you wish you would have known? What lesson was lost on you? (I actually have a laundry list if anyone is interested) What do you strive to instill in the next generation?
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Yummy, yummy banana bread in my tummy!!
So, after years of experimenting and trying to find a decently healthy banana bread recipe, I decided to do a "mash-up" of a few recipes that I have tried and liked. (yes, pun intended) So, I thought that I would share :) Hopefully you enjoy as much as I do....usually by the entire loaf.
3-4 severely over ripe bananas
2 eggs
1/2 cup applesauce (no sugar added- natural organic is the best)
1/3 plain greek yogurt (you can use regular yogurt, I just like that there is more protein and tanginess in greek style)
1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 3/4 cups flour
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp vanilla extract
Optional:
1/2 cup flax seed or nut of your choice
Preheat oven to 325. Mix bananas, eggs, yogurt, apple sauce, vanilla and sugar first. Then add flour, soda and salt until everything is well incorporated. This makes a pretty huge loaf, so I use a greased 9 X 5 loaf pan. Bake for 60-75 minutes. Here is the HARDEST PART. Because you aren't using vegetable fat or animal fat for moisture, you have to let it sit for a couple of hours. Let it cool in the pan for at least an hour and then I wrap it in plastic wrap and store it in a gallon size freezer bag....if you dont eat it all in one sitting....not that I have ever done that.
3-4 severely over ripe bananas
2 eggs
1/2 cup applesauce (no sugar added- natural organic is the best)
1/3 plain greek yogurt (you can use regular yogurt, I just like that there is more protein and tanginess in greek style)
1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 3/4 cups flour
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp vanilla extract
Optional:
1/2 cup flax seed or nut of your choice
Preheat oven to 325. Mix bananas, eggs, yogurt, apple sauce, vanilla and sugar first. Then add flour, soda and salt until everything is well incorporated. This makes a pretty huge loaf, so I use a greased 9 X 5 loaf pan. Bake for 60-75 minutes. Here is the HARDEST PART. Because you aren't using vegetable fat or animal fat for moisture, you have to let it sit for a couple of hours. Let it cool in the pan for at least an hour and then I wrap it in plastic wrap and store it in a gallon size freezer bag....if you dont eat it all in one sitting....not that I have ever done that.
The power of suggestion
So I am choosing a natural delivery with the use of hypnosis for my next ones arrival in August and I was doing some home-play (because it isnt WORK- haha) and I came across an interesting assignment. I get to listen to this track called positive pregnancy affirmations everyday. When I started listening to it, I kind of started rolling my eyes- "I deserve to have an easy painless delivery, My body and my baby will work together.....".
I was initially kind of annoyed that I had to sit there for half an hour and listen to all of this. Then something interesting happened. I actually started listening, not just hearing. Why dont I deserve to have a healthy baby?? Why dont I deserve to have a pain free delivery?? And then it dawned on me, why do I do this in all of the different aspects of my life? I hear suggestions and I dismiss them as annoying or irrelevant, but what if it's not? What if I actually decided that I was worthy of good things? What if I decided that I should and can have good things come my way?
Now I am not one of those who believes that if you wish for something hard enough, that it will just appear. I believe that you have to do the work. I also believe that if you feel deserving and worthy of good things, that you will work a lot harder for the results you want. I also am not one that believes in being happy and only feeling happiness all the time. Life is hard. It wasn't intended to be easy. We are meant to learn and grow and we couldn't do that if it was easy all the time. But do we do ourselves any favors thinking that life will always be like this and that my life is harder than others?
After the death of my father in 1998, I remember thinking how incredibly unfair it was that I only had one parent left and that no one else could possibly understand how hurt and lonely I felt. I remember thinking that this was the lowest of the low feelings and that I would never bounce back from it. Well, granted I was 17 and ultra dramatic at the time, and that its been quite a few years, I can actually look back and laugh at myself. Yes, it was hard and no, I wouldn't wish loosing a parent on anyone, but was it the hardest thing I have endured?? Heck no. Is it up there in the top 25? Absolutely. Did I learn a ton and grow like crazy? You had better believe it. So I sit here and count that experience as one of the greatest blessings of my life.
I made a resolution today that I will only let reaffirming thoughts actively pass through my brain. That's right- for 24 hours, I will not let me tell myself that I am too fat or uncomfortable to do something, that I don't have time to do something, or that I am not worthy of an experience. Considering that I have been up for three hours, and I am having to remind myself of this resolution probably every ten minutes, I can tell you that it's going to be something that I stay conscious and aware of. What if we all tried this with just one thought to begin with? Whats your nagging thought about yourself and your ability? Is it your weight, intelligence, patience level, health?? I know I have negative self talk about myself in all of those categories. Lets all try changing one thought for one day and see what changes?!
I was initially kind of annoyed that I had to sit there for half an hour and listen to all of this. Then something interesting happened. I actually started listening, not just hearing. Why dont I deserve to have a healthy baby?? Why dont I deserve to have a pain free delivery?? And then it dawned on me, why do I do this in all of the different aspects of my life? I hear suggestions and I dismiss them as annoying or irrelevant, but what if it's not? What if I actually decided that I was worthy of good things? What if I decided that I should and can have good things come my way?
Now I am not one of those who believes that if you wish for something hard enough, that it will just appear. I believe that you have to do the work. I also believe that if you feel deserving and worthy of good things, that you will work a lot harder for the results you want. I also am not one that believes in being happy and only feeling happiness all the time. Life is hard. It wasn't intended to be easy. We are meant to learn and grow and we couldn't do that if it was easy all the time. But do we do ourselves any favors thinking that life will always be like this and that my life is harder than others?
After the death of my father in 1998, I remember thinking how incredibly unfair it was that I only had one parent left and that no one else could possibly understand how hurt and lonely I felt. I remember thinking that this was the lowest of the low feelings and that I would never bounce back from it. Well, granted I was 17 and ultra dramatic at the time, and that its been quite a few years, I can actually look back and laugh at myself. Yes, it was hard and no, I wouldn't wish loosing a parent on anyone, but was it the hardest thing I have endured?? Heck no. Is it up there in the top 25? Absolutely. Did I learn a ton and grow like crazy? You had better believe it. So I sit here and count that experience as one of the greatest blessings of my life.
I made a resolution today that I will only let reaffirming thoughts actively pass through my brain. That's right- for 24 hours, I will not let me tell myself that I am too fat or uncomfortable to do something, that I don't have time to do something, or that I am not worthy of an experience. Considering that I have been up for three hours, and I am having to remind myself of this resolution probably every ten minutes, I can tell you that it's going to be something that I stay conscious and aware of. What if we all tried this with just one thought to begin with? Whats your nagging thought about yourself and your ability? Is it your weight, intelligence, patience level, health?? I know I have negative self talk about myself in all of those categories. Lets all try changing one thought for one day and see what changes?!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Change of pace
The last couple of posts have been quite lengthy and a little heavy, so I thought that I would do a change of pace here. As a mom and daycare provider, I am surrounded by little munchkins all day long who say the funniest things. I thought that I would share a couple.
Sophie:
After getting in trouble and yelled at, I slipped down the stairs on my back. I was at the bottom of the stairs crying and Duncan ran over asking if I was ok. Sophie's response: "She'll be fine." Gave me a dirty look and walked away.
We were discussing whether a trip to the zoo or to the local water park would be a better fit for our summer staycation. Sophie of coarse chose the water park and I was disappointed. I told her that mommy didn't feel like getting into a swim suit at 8 months pregnant. Sophie's response: "You don't HAVE to come, you know." Well then...
"Mom, I am almost as excited for my baby sister to come as I am for the Easter bunny to come!"
Duncan:
"Mom! Get my disco ball! It's time to get this party started!!" This was said as we sat down to eat dinner. Maybe he was really excited about spaghetti night?!
"Wow mom, you need to go fix your hair- you look CRAZY!" That was the last time I let my naturally curly hair just air dry.
"Mom, we're having an Oswald!" That was Duncan's interpretation of his new baby sister when we showed him the ultrasound pictures. I guess I can see where Duncan would think a blurry ultra sound pic would liken a cartoon octopus.
And just for poops and giggles- here is a Katy classic:
Katy pulls up to the KFC drive thru after its closed and the automatic reel plays asking her to order. She begins to order and is cut off by a real person who informs her that they are closed.
Katy: "but the machine told me to order!"
KFC: "I'm sorry, its a machine, and we are closed"
Katy: thinks for about 5 seconds "but I'm already HERE!"
Sophie:
After getting in trouble and yelled at, I slipped down the stairs on my back. I was at the bottom of the stairs crying and Duncan ran over asking if I was ok. Sophie's response: "She'll be fine." Gave me a dirty look and walked away.
We were discussing whether a trip to the zoo or to the local water park would be a better fit for our summer staycation. Sophie of coarse chose the water park and I was disappointed. I told her that mommy didn't feel like getting into a swim suit at 8 months pregnant. Sophie's response: "You don't HAVE to come, you know." Well then...
"Mom, I am almost as excited for my baby sister to come as I am for the Easter bunny to come!"
Duncan:
"Mom! Get my disco ball! It's time to get this party started!!" This was said as we sat down to eat dinner. Maybe he was really excited about spaghetti night?!
"Wow mom, you need to go fix your hair- you look CRAZY!" That was the last time I let my naturally curly hair just air dry.
"Mom, we're having an Oswald!" That was Duncan's interpretation of his new baby sister when we showed him the ultrasound pictures. I guess I can see where Duncan would think a blurry ultra sound pic would liken a cartoon octopus.
And just for poops and giggles- here is a Katy classic:
Katy pulls up to the KFC drive thru after its closed and the automatic reel plays asking her to order. She begins to order and is cut off by a real person who informs her that they are closed.
Katy: "but the machine told me to order!"
KFC: "I'm sorry, its a machine, and we are closed"
Katy: thinks for about 5 seconds "but I'm already HERE!"
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Dear Mom and Dad....
It's been a long time since we spoke. Whether face to face, over the phone, through letters to your grave or through silent moments of reflection. It tends to be difficult to start these conversations lately. Part of it has been the fact that I am pregnant. It's difficult knowing that we are bringing the third and final child into our family and that none of my children had the opportunity to know you in this world. It makes me sad because despite all the craziness, the abuse, the hurt and the scars left on my heart, I love you.
Your lives and choices shaped me into the person and the mother that I am now, and for that, I am eternally grateful. I love motherhood and I cherish it dearly. I love being part of a family where we choose to have stability and peace. I love the laughter and awesome moments of my children's personalities. I know that you watch and guide from the other side, but how I wish you could hold my kids, hug them, sing them songs and just experience the joy they bring.
Josh and I have been married 6 years now. Wow has it been a tough six years. Marriage was a huge adjustment for me. I don't think that I fully grasped the concept of team work and that it wasn't all about someone else walking in the door simply to make every wish and whim come true in my life. I didn't understand that it wasn't Josh's job to make me happy, and that cause a lot of problems. I fell back into coping patterns from my youth and it left a pretty hefty trail of hurt. We have been through a lot in the nearly ten years we have been committed to each other. Lots of loss, lies, financial struggles and over all growing pains of growing up and trying to grow together. The good news is we are stronger now than we have ever been and we are more deeply connected and bonded because of the trials we have encountered along the way.
You would really enjoy Josh. He is so incredibly caring and sweet. He is a computer guy, so you wouldn't have a whole lot in common :) He has a great appreciation for music and art and tends to be very introspective. He is a really involved father which I am so incredibly happy about. He has such a quiet personality that it really catches most people off guard with how hilarious he is.
Katy is 20 now and she is quite the accomplished young gal. She has chosen German and psychology as her major in school. We aren't really sure what she is going to do with it, but truth be told, I don't think that she really knows either. She is at a real turning point in her life where she has so many options available to her that I think that it tends to get a bit overwhelming. I tried to raise her as a very independent, free thinking person and I would like to think that she has been. She has developed a relationship with her birth parents that has been really neat to watch.
Sophie is just a tender little bug. She has the biggest heart for a girl so small. She is very empathic and endearing. She always knows when someone around her needs a hug or an "I love you". It's the thing I love about her the most, yet struggle with the most. She begins kindergarten in the fall and loves to learn. She is already counting the days till she starts school. She is reading and writing and its far too smart for her own good. She always has a smart little comment to add to all the adult conversation.
Duncan is a scream. He is so tiny for his age, but what he lacks in size, he makes up for in personality. He is my little ray of sunshine. It's very seldom you will find him without a great big smile on his face and armed with a joke. He is a music lover and never wastes a moment when he could be shaking his booty. He is also the biggest mommy's boy ever. I love that. He needs lots of love, snuggles, back scratches and kisses. I cant be around him without smiling.
We are expecting a little girl to arrive in August. I cant really introduce her as we havent really been introduced yet, but I cant wait. She is by far my most active little one. I think that I am more attached to this pregnancy and little one since I know this is our last time. It's been a very bittersweet feeling to know that this is the last time I will experience having a little one growing inside me.
I miss you two. It's been too long and I don't know what happens to us after this world is through for us, but I would hope that we can be reunited and that you can meet the amazing children I have been blessed with. I hope that you can see us and watch over us. I know that I don't always make the right decisions, but I am trying my best and I hope you know that. I love you.
Eternally your daughter,
Kristen
Your lives and choices shaped me into the person and the mother that I am now, and for that, I am eternally grateful. I love motherhood and I cherish it dearly. I love being part of a family where we choose to have stability and peace. I love the laughter and awesome moments of my children's personalities. I know that you watch and guide from the other side, but how I wish you could hold my kids, hug them, sing them songs and just experience the joy they bring.
Josh and I have been married 6 years now. Wow has it been a tough six years. Marriage was a huge adjustment for me. I don't think that I fully grasped the concept of team work and that it wasn't all about someone else walking in the door simply to make every wish and whim come true in my life. I didn't understand that it wasn't Josh's job to make me happy, and that cause a lot of problems. I fell back into coping patterns from my youth and it left a pretty hefty trail of hurt. We have been through a lot in the nearly ten years we have been committed to each other. Lots of loss, lies, financial struggles and over all growing pains of growing up and trying to grow together. The good news is we are stronger now than we have ever been and we are more deeply connected and bonded because of the trials we have encountered along the way.
You would really enjoy Josh. He is so incredibly caring and sweet. He is a computer guy, so you wouldn't have a whole lot in common :) He has a great appreciation for music and art and tends to be very introspective. He is a really involved father which I am so incredibly happy about. He has such a quiet personality that it really catches most people off guard with how hilarious he is.
Katy is 20 now and she is quite the accomplished young gal. She has chosen German and psychology as her major in school. We aren't really sure what she is going to do with it, but truth be told, I don't think that she really knows either. She is at a real turning point in her life where she has so many options available to her that I think that it tends to get a bit overwhelming. I tried to raise her as a very independent, free thinking person and I would like to think that she has been. She has developed a relationship with her birth parents that has been really neat to watch.
Sophie is just a tender little bug. She has the biggest heart for a girl so small. She is very empathic and endearing. She always knows when someone around her needs a hug or an "I love you". It's the thing I love about her the most, yet struggle with the most. She begins kindergarten in the fall and loves to learn. She is already counting the days till she starts school. She is reading and writing and its far too smart for her own good. She always has a smart little comment to add to all the adult conversation.
Duncan is a scream. He is so tiny for his age, but what he lacks in size, he makes up for in personality. He is my little ray of sunshine. It's very seldom you will find him without a great big smile on his face and armed with a joke. He is a music lover and never wastes a moment when he could be shaking his booty. He is also the biggest mommy's boy ever. I love that. He needs lots of love, snuggles, back scratches and kisses. I cant be around him without smiling.
We are expecting a little girl to arrive in August. I cant really introduce her as we havent really been introduced yet, but I cant wait. She is by far my most active little one. I think that I am more attached to this pregnancy and little one since I know this is our last time. It's been a very bittersweet feeling to know that this is the last time I will experience having a little one growing inside me.
I miss you two. It's been too long and I don't know what happens to us after this world is through for us, but I would hope that we can be reunited and that you can meet the amazing children I have been blessed with. I hope that you can see us and watch over us. I know that I don't always make the right decisions, but I am trying my best and I hope you know that. I love you.
Eternally your daughter,
Kristen
Monday, April 25, 2011
What the heck, let's try something new....
OK, So for those who arent aware, Josh and I are expecting our third little bundle of joy in August. We were COMPLETELY caught off guard when we found out, and after a sick first trimester, we were able to feel really excited about this new addition. Yes, it took me three months to get excited, and no, I don't feel badly about it. Upon finding out that we were pregnant this time around, the notorious last words of our former anesthesiologist resounded in my head..."you should never, ever, have another epidural". At the time, I took these words with a grain of salt as I thought that my son's delivery was quite possibly the last one we would have. We had a girl, we had a boy, we were happy.
Well, it looks as though plans had changed, which meant I had to actually MAKE a plan. But where the hell do I start making a plan?? We really hadn't made a plan with either one of our children's deliveries. We were one of the many young couples who goes to an OB/GYN, trusts in the basic hospital birthing plan, which includes but is not limited to scheduling an induction if you go over your "due" (like its a library book) date by more than a week, pop your water, hook you up to an IV, give you fluids, pitocin and whatever else they put in there that I was too delirious to ask, get an epidural and push out a perfectly healthy child.
We followed this "plan" for the our little Sophie's arrival, I was 42 week+2 days and went into labor on my own the morning of the scheduled induction. I was dialated to a 2+ and had pretty steady contractions when I arrived at the hospital. They still hooked me on up, and told me I needed to have pitocin to help my contractions even out, since they were ranging from 2-5 minutes apart. Things went from tolerable to insane within half an hour. They are NOT messing around with this pitocin stuff. I progressed to a 5 on my own before the charge nurse insisted that I get my epidural. She told me that I was in too much pain and I was clenching which was keeping me from progressing, and if I didnt progress, I was a shoe in for a c-section. Scared to death, I got my epidural, and progressed quite quickly.
Keep in mind, I was under the impression that I was supposed to be numb from the waist down, so I was expecting NO pain. Well, it didnt quite happen that way. My stomach was numb and my feet were numb, and that was it. I was not numb in the place that you need to be for an episiotemy to be painless, so it was not painless. In fact, my poor cousin sitting in the waiting room heard loud explitives when it was performed. I was quickly given a local and was able to dialate quickly and pushed out a 7 lb 14 oz little bundle of perfection (after three hours of pushing, and two more threats of a c-section).
Would I call our experience traumatizing? No. Not at all. I would call it a very uneducated delivery on the part of myself. I should have known to ask questions and insist on what I knew was right with my body. I thought that we had just had a bum epidural and that it doesn't happen that way all the time. We were told that it would be easier next time around, and we trusted that.
Cut to 18 months post delivery, and we find out we are pregnant again! So, I decided to make a change. In OB/GYNs. I figured that I had heard such wonderful things about this other doctor, that it MUST have been a bad doctor experience, and not the actual process that is the hospital standard. So we change OB's. I LOVED our OB. I probably had a crush on him at the time looking back on it. He was young, personable and seemed really invested in me, and so complimentary during a time when a woman isnt exactly feeling the cutest :)
Pre- natal care went really well and was pretty routine until week 36. I started to measure quite large and so began the ultra sounds. We had an ultra sound once a week and I was terrified because I was being told that my son was well over 9 lbs! I had really struggled to get poor Sophie out and she wasnt even 8! So the logic was presented that if I wanted to avoid a c-section, we should induce. I was due Christmas Day, so we opted to induce the day after.
We arrived on time, got changed and settled in for what we expected would be a long, boring day. About 5 minutes after my paperwork was all complete, the nurse came in and informed me that it was time to break my water. I had heard nothing but passive comments about having your water broken. ie- it doesnt hurt, it just feels funny. Well I have a tilted cervix and was only dialted to a 1. Put those factors together with an impatient doctor, and I was in nauseating, cold sweat kind of pain. I thought that was the worst it, and it was- for a while.
I was started on a pitocin drip right after my water was broken and so labor began. It was pretty uneventful. We watched a TLC marathon and laughed. I tried moving around but was strapped up with monitors and IV's so it made it difficult to do more than switch sides that were going numb. Three hours later, I had progressed to a 3+ and was still feeling pretty ok. That's when the day took a change. The nurse came in and asked if I was planning on an epidural. She then proceeded to tell me that the anesthesiologist was about to go into a three hour conference and would be unavailable, so if I wanted an epidural, it had to happen now. Scared that contractions were going to get bad quickly, I opted for the proceedure.
The doctor came in and for the first time ever someone asked me about previous back injury. Well, low and behold, I had broken my back in two places in my early teens and still had pain from it. He told me that he was nervous about giving me an epidural but that he would go ahead since I had already had one with no problems. I had my epidural and guess what?! NO PAIN. I could feel NOTHING from the waist down. It was the strangest feeling, but Oh, so welcome. I was told a pain free birth with epidural and I was finally going to get it.
Three hour pass, I get a cervical check, NOTHING. I was still at a 3+. I stayed there for hours with no progress and no change, except for the flow of the epidural. That's right. The flow of the epidural went up rather than down somehow. I didn't lay down, I hadn't even really moved, since I couldn't feel literally anything. So I went from a state of concern about the fact that I was starting to tingle, to a state of panic in a matter of seconds. I quickly started to loose my ability to breathe, my ability to feel my arms and hands and finally, my ability to see started to go. My poor husband went from pushing the nurse call button to running down the hall screaming for a nurse.
When the anesthesiologist arrived, he began to scream asking what I had done. What I had done? What did YOU do? I didnt put my own epidural in! Once the pump had been shut off for roughly 20 minutes and I had been on straight oxygen, I started to regain sight and feeling. The doctor and I had an understanding that since it was already in place, I would continue with my epidural as long as I was monitored much closer. Crisis averted, right?
So the day went on and roughly 13 hours into labor, with my pitocin drip and epidural maxed, we started to notice that the monitors were showing a lower heart rate for our baby. Not only was it dropping, it wasn't bouncing back like it had been. Coinsedentally around this time, the frequency of nurses showing up in our room increased dramaticly. We went from seeing a nurse once every couple of hours to every five minutes. About thirty minutes after this started, a nurse came in and turned off the baby monitor and within three minutes, the room was filled with half a dozen nurses from maternity, three or four from NICU and my doctor and nothing was being said. We asked what was going on so many times I couldn't begin to count and the only thing that we were told was that the doctor would be in momentarily to explain.
Terrified, I began to sob uncontrollably. The doctor entered the room, panic written all over his face, and told the nurses to grab a leg because we had to get this baby out NOW. I am now eternally grateful that I had that epidural, because within seconds, the doctor had taken forcepts, reached in my not fully dialated cervix and pulled my baby out of me. I was in total shock. First of all, my 9 lb baby that I was terrified to have, the 9 lb baby that was the reason that we were inducing because of, ended up being a 6 lb 3 oz gray, unresponsive baby. In shock and in trying to cope, the only words that escaped me at this moment was, "where is the rest of him?". Comical to say now, terrifying at the moment. Within two minutes, the nurses had him taking his first breaths, and within seconds, he began to pink up.
I couldnt even tell you how long I cried, or really WHY I was crying. I was so relieved that this experience was over, I was so far in shock over what had just happened, I was so happy to meet my beautiful son. Who really knows at those kinds of moments WHY you feel the way you do. Does it really matter? I ended up with a cervical tear, two vaginal wall tears, a second degree episiotomy and a tear. In total, it took roughly two hours and 100 stitches to put me back together.
Would I call this experience traumatizing? Hell yes I do. I really didn't think that I would be able to get over the fear in order to give birth to another baby. At this point though, I really was convinced that we were done. I couldn't go through another experience like that. So here I sit, typing all of this out at 24 weeks pregnant facing my third delivery. Am I still traumatized? No. I have had three and half years to understand that given the situation we were facing, the medical team reacted appropriately. I have also come to terms the part that I played in that situation. I consented to an induction based on fear. My body and my baby were not ready. I was not educated that I most certainly could have delivered a 9 lb baby on my own and that I wasn't a broken machine. I had never thought to discuss with my medical providers or my anesthesiologists, my history of a broken back. I never looked for options. I did what I thought I was supposed to, and when things didn't go according to the plan I failed to make, I was traumatized.
So this time around, I decided that yes, this is my third baby, but no, I didn't have to have a repeat performance of my last two "helpless" deliveries. In fact, not really ever planning to have another baby, but purely out of curiosity, I started asking around about a year after Duncan's birth about other people's birth experiences. I ended up hearing through the grapevine that I had a friend from high school who also happened to live in my neighborhood, who delivered 5 beautiful, perfectly healthy children, at HOME! In her tub!! This was a completely foreign concept to me. I literally had never heard of this let along known someone who had chosen this, or that it was even an option. Me being the nosey, curious cat that I am, I picked up the phone armed with about a thousand questions. We chatted for nearly two hours and I must admit, my jaw was wide open about 90% of the time because I had no idea that you could actually DO that!
This conversation planted a seed in my head. I wasn't planning on getting pregnant any time soon, but for the first time in my life, I knew that there was another option. Cut to December 2010 and I am staring at a positive pregnancy test in complete shock. It looks like its time to actually make a plan. The exact words "what the heck, let's try something new" went through my head. I started reading blogs, watched a couple of documentaries and talking to people. I kind of went crazy for a while. I was in shock, but this time because I couldn't believe how many options were available to me. I couldn't believe that I didn't have to even go to an OB/GYN if there wasn't medical necessity for it. I was just in shock. I also had this complete an total feeling of embarrassment. How could I have TWO children and not know that there was another way? What a sheep I was programmed to be.
I want to make perfectly clear that I completely understand why there are hospitals, OB/GYNs, c-sections, epidurals and what their place is and I am SO grateful that they are there when they are genuinely needed. I also understand that I can trust in my body's ability to give birth. I am for the first time, EXCITED to give birth. I am EXCITED to bring this new life into this world. I am EXCITED to create the birth experience that I want.
I am learning so much, and the largest part is learning how to trust in myself. I know that if I can do that, it will carry into my life in all aspects, not just child birth. I am so grateful for an understanding and supportive husband that is behind me 100% with whatever I choose. I am grateful for the friends that support me in my decision to move forward with an un-medicated, natural delivery. I am even grateful for those who don't understand why in the world I would make this decision. It reminds me WHY I am making this decision and the importance of choice.
Thus far, I am armed with one of the best doulas that the world could ask for and I begin hypnobabies classes tomorrow. I have been continuing to read up on all of my options and doing my homework and feel confident in the decisions I have made.
Well, it looks as though plans had changed, which meant I had to actually MAKE a plan. But where the hell do I start making a plan?? We really hadn't made a plan with either one of our children's deliveries. We were one of the many young couples who goes to an OB/GYN, trusts in the basic hospital birthing plan, which includes but is not limited to scheduling an induction if you go over your "due" (like its a library book) date by more than a week, pop your water, hook you up to an IV, give you fluids, pitocin and whatever else they put in there that I was too delirious to ask, get an epidural and push out a perfectly healthy child.
We followed this "plan" for the our little Sophie's arrival, I was 42 week+2 days and went into labor on my own the morning of the scheduled induction. I was dialated to a 2+ and had pretty steady contractions when I arrived at the hospital. They still hooked me on up, and told me I needed to have pitocin to help my contractions even out, since they were ranging from 2-5 minutes apart. Things went from tolerable to insane within half an hour. They are NOT messing around with this pitocin stuff. I progressed to a 5 on my own before the charge nurse insisted that I get my epidural. She told me that I was in too much pain and I was clenching which was keeping me from progressing, and if I didnt progress, I was a shoe in for a c-section. Scared to death, I got my epidural, and progressed quite quickly.
Keep in mind, I was under the impression that I was supposed to be numb from the waist down, so I was expecting NO pain. Well, it didnt quite happen that way. My stomach was numb and my feet were numb, and that was it. I was not numb in the place that you need to be for an episiotemy to be painless, so it was not painless. In fact, my poor cousin sitting in the waiting room heard loud explitives when it was performed. I was quickly given a local and was able to dialate quickly and pushed out a 7 lb 14 oz little bundle of perfection (after three hours of pushing, and two more threats of a c-section).
Would I call our experience traumatizing? No. Not at all. I would call it a very uneducated delivery on the part of myself. I should have known to ask questions and insist on what I knew was right with my body. I thought that we had just had a bum epidural and that it doesn't happen that way all the time. We were told that it would be easier next time around, and we trusted that.
Cut to 18 months post delivery, and we find out we are pregnant again! So, I decided to make a change. In OB/GYNs. I figured that I had heard such wonderful things about this other doctor, that it MUST have been a bad doctor experience, and not the actual process that is the hospital standard. So we change OB's. I LOVED our OB. I probably had a crush on him at the time looking back on it. He was young, personable and seemed really invested in me, and so complimentary during a time when a woman isnt exactly feeling the cutest :)
Pre- natal care went really well and was pretty routine until week 36. I started to measure quite large and so began the ultra sounds. We had an ultra sound once a week and I was terrified because I was being told that my son was well over 9 lbs! I had really struggled to get poor Sophie out and she wasnt even 8! So the logic was presented that if I wanted to avoid a c-section, we should induce. I was due Christmas Day, so we opted to induce the day after.
We arrived on time, got changed and settled in for what we expected would be a long, boring day. About 5 minutes after my paperwork was all complete, the nurse came in and informed me that it was time to break my water. I had heard nothing but passive comments about having your water broken. ie- it doesnt hurt, it just feels funny. Well I have a tilted cervix and was only dialted to a 1. Put those factors together with an impatient doctor, and I was in nauseating, cold sweat kind of pain. I thought that was the worst it, and it was- for a while.
I was started on a pitocin drip right after my water was broken and so labor began. It was pretty uneventful. We watched a TLC marathon and laughed. I tried moving around but was strapped up with monitors and IV's so it made it difficult to do more than switch sides that were going numb. Three hours later, I had progressed to a 3+ and was still feeling pretty ok. That's when the day took a change. The nurse came in and asked if I was planning on an epidural. She then proceeded to tell me that the anesthesiologist was about to go into a three hour conference and would be unavailable, so if I wanted an epidural, it had to happen now. Scared that contractions were going to get bad quickly, I opted for the proceedure.
The doctor came in and for the first time ever someone asked me about previous back injury. Well, low and behold, I had broken my back in two places in my early teens and still had pain from it. He told me that he was nervous about giving me an epidural but that he would go ahead since I had already had one with no problems. I had my epidural and guess what?! NO PAIN. I could feel NOTHING from the waist down. It was the strangest feeling, but Oh, so welcome. I was told a pain free birth with epidural and I was finally going to get it.
Three hour pass, I get a cervical check, NOTHING. I was still at a 3+. I stayed there for hours with no progress and no change, except for the flow of the epidural. That's right. The flow of the epidural went up rather than down somehow. I didn't lay down, I hadn't even really moved, since I couldn't feel literally anything. So I went from a state of concern about the fact that I was starting to tingle, to a state of panic in a matter of seconds. I quickly started to loose my ability to breathe, my ability to feel my arms and hands and finally, my ability to see started to go. My poor husband went from pushing the nurse call button to running down the hall screaming for a nurse.
When the anesthesiologist arrived, he began to scream asking what I had done. What I had done? What did YOU do? I didnt put my own epidural in! Once the pump had been shut off for roughly 20 minutes and I had been on straight oxygen, I started to regain sight and feeling. The doctor and I had an understanding that since it was already in place, I would continue with my epidural as long as I was monitored much closer. Crisis averted, right?
So the day went on and roughly 13 hours into labor, with my pitocin drip and epidural maxed, we started to notice that the monitors were showing a lower heart rate for our baby. Not only was it dropping, it wasn't bouncing back like it had been. Coinsedentally around this time, the frequency of nurses showing up in our room increased dramaticly. We went from seeing a nurse once every couple of hours to every five minutes. About thirty minutes after this started, a nurse came in and turned off the baby monitor and within three minutes, the room was filled with half a dozen nurses from maternity, three or four from NICU and my doctor and nothing was being said. We asked what was going on so many times I couldn't begin to count and the only thing that we were told was that the doctor would be in momentarily to explain.
Terrified, I began to sob uncontrollably. The doctor entered the room, panic written all over his face, and told the nurses to grab a leg because we had to get this baby out NOW. I am now eternally grateful that I had that epidural, because within seconds, the doctor had taken forcepts, reached in my not fully dialated cervix and pulled my baby out of me. I was in total shock. First of all, my 9 lb baby that I was terrified to have, the 9 lb baby that was the reason that we were inducing because of, ended up being a 6 lb 3 oz gray, unresponsive baby. In shock and in trying to cope, the only words that escaped me at this moment was, "where is the rest of him?". Comical to say now, terrifying at the moment. Within two minutes, the nurses had him taking his first breaths, and within seconds, he began to pink up.
I couldnt even tell you how long I cried, or really WHY I was crying. I was so relieved that this experience was over, I was so far in shock over what had just happened, I was so happy to meet my beautiful son. Who really knows at those kinds of moments WHY you feel the way you do. Does it really matter? I ended up with a cervical tear, two vaginal wall tears, a second degree episiotomy and a tear. In total, it took roughly two hours and 100 stitches to put me back together.
Would I call this experience traumatizing? Hell yes I do. I really didn't think that I would be able to get over the fear in order to give birth to another baby. At this point though, I really was convinced that we were done. I couldn't go through another experience like that. So here I sit, typing all of this out at 24 weeks pregnant facing my third delivery. Am I still traumatized? No. I have had three and half years to understand that given the situation we were facing, the medical team reacted appropriately. I have also come to terms the part that I played in that situation. I consented to an induction based on fear. My body and my baby were not ready. I was not educated that I most certainly could have delivered a 9 lb baby on my own and that I wasn't a broken machine. I had never thought to discuss with my medical providers or my anesthesiologists, my history of a broken back. I never looked for options. I did what I thought I was supposed to, and when things didn't go according to the plan I failed to make, I was traumatized.
So this time around, I decided that yes, this is my third baby, but no, I didn't have to have a repeat performance of my last two "helpless" deliveries. In fact, not really ever planning to have another baby, but purely out of curiosity, I started asking around about a year after Duncan's birth about other people's birth experiences. I ended up hearing through the grapevine that I had a friend from high school who also happened to live in my neighborhood, who delivered 5 beautiful, perfectly healthy children, at HOME! In her tub!! This was a completely foreign concept to me. I literally had never heard of this let along known someone who had chosen this, or that it was even an option. Me being the nosey, curious cat that I am, I picked up the phone armed with about a thousand questions. We chatted for nearly two hours and I must admit, my jaw was wide open about 90% of the time because I had no idea that you could actually DO that!
This conversation planted a seed in my head. I wasn't planning on getting pregnant any time soon, but for the first time in my life, I knew that there was another option. Cut to December 2010 and I am staring at a positive pregnancy test in complete shock. It looks like its time to actually make a plan. The exact words "what the heck, let's try something new" went through my head. I started reading blogs, watched a couple of documentaries and talking to people. I kind of went crazy for a while. I was in shock, but this time because I couldn't believe how many options were available to me. I couldn't believe that I didn't have to even go to an OB/GYN if there wasn't medical necessity for it. I was just in shock. I also had this complete an total feeling of embarrassment. How could I have TWO children and not know that there was another way? What a sheep I was programmed to be.
I want to make perfectly clear that I completely understand why there are hospitals, OB/GYNs, c-sections, epidurals and what their place is and I am SO grateful that they are there when they are genuinely needed. I also understand that I can trust in my body's ability to give birth. I am for the first time, EXCITED to give birth. I am EXCITED to bring this new life into this world. I am EXCITED to create the birth experience that I want.
I am learning so much, and the largest part is learning how to trust in myself. I know that if I can do that, it will carry into my life in all aspects, not just child birth. I am so grateful for an understanding and supportive husband that is behind me 100% with whatever I choose. I am grateful for the friends that support me in my decision to move forward with an un-medicated, natural delivery. I am even grateful for those who don't understand why in the world I would make this decision. It reminds me WHY I am making this decision and the importance of choice.
Thus far, I am armed with one of the best doulas that the world could ask for and I begin hypnobabies classes tomorrow. I have been continuing to read up on all of my options and doing my homework and feel confident in the decisions I have made.
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